When is it enough? When is the time right?

[promisestokeep]

I've been having mental health issues all my life. For the last 10 years however things have been really, really bad.
I tried to CTB in 2010 using the helium kit method . Pussied out last minute and was told by everyone there was hope so
I decided to give it a try. Basically the cold gas from the container and the feeling of that plastic bag were so horrible
I had to stop... guess I also may have had a little bit of oxygen in the bag still, since it took forever.

Now I've been through countless diagnoses, therapies and hospital stays. I don't trust or believe a word
psychologists, counselors and psychiatrists say anymore. They're either full of shit, money hungry or cursed
with good intentions and no actual first hand experience of what I'm going through. They want to help and regurgitate
what they read that someone else wrote, that they probably read somewhere.

To get to the point: I just got back from a long vacation that was supposed to give me some hope after all hope was lost.
After two weeks home (in a stressful, urban enviroment) I'm already super stressed out, hopeless and highly suicidal.

I have work to do but can't get it done since I can't concentrate. Some part of me seems to sabotage me or it's some
neurological thingy. Idk. Either way I've seen what others have accomplished in the last 10 years and I know what i could have
done if it wasn't for years of depression and hospital stays.

I'm pretty sure it's the last straw and I'm thinking of going the helium route again... maybe this time with the scuba mask.
The only thing that doesn't let me completly lose it/do it, is some kind of hope i guess.

Also I was taking ketamine (microdoses) in the last 7 days which might have had an effect on my stability.
When i was on vacation i was kind of ok but that was with no stressors whatsoever.

I'm just really sick of humans, society and everything except nature and animals really.
Before anyone suggests it: No, I don't have the option to live somewhere with nature & animals.

I think I'll be buying the equipment sometime soon and then just do it whenever I feel the time is right.

 

[DreamCatcher]

It's enough and the time is right when you decide it is.

And you're right about other people seeing hope where we may not. They don't understand what it's like so it's like trying to describe an ocean of pain to someone that's only seen small lakes.

My old "Nature and animals" option was just going to a forest or jungle somewhere and seeing how long I'd last, but that could end with a lot more pain than something like you have planned.

I hope you're free of pain soon in any case.

 

[Vegrau]

Theres no right time. Anytime is good enough when youre ready.

 

[Shamana]

I've been having mental health issues all my life. For the last 10 years however things have been really, really bad.
I tried to CTB in 2010 using the helium kit method . Pussied out last minute and was told by everyone there was hope so
I decided to give it a try. Basically the cold gas from the container and the feeling of that plastic bag were so horrible
I had to stop... guess I also may have had a little bit of oxygen in the bag still, since it took forever.

Now I've been through countless diagnoses, therapies and hospital stays. I don't trust or believe a word
psychologists, counselors and psychiatrists say anymore. They're either full of shit, money hungry or cursed
with good intentions and no actual first hand experience of what I'm going through. They want to help and regurgitate
what they read that someone else wrote, that they probably read somewhere.

To get to the point: I just got back from a long vacation that was supposed to give me some hope after all hope was lost.
After two weeks home (in a stressful, urban enviroment) I'm already super stressed out, hopeless and highly suicidal.

I have work to do but can't get it done since I can't concentrate. Some part of me seems to sabotage me or it's some
neurological thingy. Idk. Either way I've seen what others have accomplished in the last 10 years and I know what i could have
done if it wasn't for years of depression and hospital stays.

I'm pretty sure it's the last straw and I'm thinking of going the helium route again... maybe this time with the scuba mask.
The only thing that doesn't let me completly lose it/do it, is some kind of hope i guess.

Also I was taking ketamine (microdoses) in the last 7 days which might have had an effect on my stability.
When i was on vacation i was kind of ok but that was with no stressors whatsoever.

I'm just really sick of humans, society and everything except nature and animals really.
Before anyone suggests it: No, I don't have the option to live somewhere with nature & animals.

I think I'll be buying the equipment sometime soon and then just do it whenever I feel the time is right.

How old are you? Are you tied down to your job? Can you get Ketamine treatment from the mental health system?

 

[promisestokeep]

I'm 39. I'm unemployed but try to get back in being self-employed like I was before. I worked a job a few years ago but
then got fucked over by the people I helped... story of my life lol.

I can't get K officially only from the DW. It's hard to tell what purity that stuff is and I kind of doubt they lace it but then you never know.
I'm in the EU and K will still take a few years to go through all studies if it will make it at all. Also I'm not sure if K really helped although I often
misdosed and didn't follow the/a strict regiment... also didn't inject but snorted. I don't know...I know a guy who's in Peru who can get vet grade k
but I feel getting that there might be a problem getting it out of the country ;)
Guess I'll just stick with the buying a kit and seeing where it goes plan....