I can't keep going; I literally just got out of a deep depression and my bf is being emotionally abusive again. It's funny, the other day he was being over the top sweet and I started to enjoy it, but immediately remembered that it'd be over and done before I knew it. It was gone not even a day later.
Today he's been a full blown jerk again, so I had to leave. He started calling and yelling about things; he doesn't feel sorry for anything, he's just upset that I turned off my location(he claimed he cheated on me last year and held up the story for an entire year, then told me he lied about it mid year this year-the location thing was for him to share with me and not turn off, not me, but it's become that way. I just didn't want him following me and wanted to be truly alone-especially in case I decide to go to a bridge or forest or something).
I blocked his number after he started yelling, now I'm afraid to go back. He has abused me in every way possible and when he's this upset, I'm afraid to be around him at all. Idk what to do. Idk if I should turn it all back on or not, I'm just freaked out and feel terrible.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I'm in about 10K of debt from credit and school loans, my mom is severely mentally ill and I can't move back in with her, my dad has no place for me, my brother never answers when I ask. My mom shit talked me so much to him that he supposedly purposely doesn't respond.
I feel trapped and alone. I just want to die, but there never seems to be a good time to do it. In September, it was my brother's wedding, in October, my brother's birthday and I worked and didn't want to NCNS work and then screw up my suicide or something and be jobless. I ended up leaving the job anyway because I couldn't handle it and it took over a month for me to get paid my measly $200.
My bf told me he was sorry about everything and that I could just focus on getting better when he moved us out, but the 2nd day at our new place he tackled me again after 2 years of nothing. I had to call the police once while we were there and when they asked me questions, I said I was just scared, but he told them there was a physical fight. As usual, he was the only one with scratch marks(I was trying to pry his hands off my neck), and the officer who spoke with him seemed to think I was the one at fault.
I couldn't find a job where we lived at the time anyway. This year I've worked at 2 different places, but I can't maintain a job due to PTSD. I feel like there's nothing left for me but to just die. I kind of want to live, but I have nothing left. This person has destroyed my spirit and sense of reality, trust, love, and self. He's stolen all of my dignity and hope in life. At this level of damage, I feel like there is definitely no return. I've been with him for almost 9 years. I wish every day that I would have stayed at home even though he moved us out because my mom was abusive and he supposedly wanted me to have a peaceful environment to heal from everything. I wish I would've left him so many times, and now I can't and I feel more alone than I ever thought imaginable.
I just dont know when to do it. My mom is visiting this week on the 14th and then his friend is visiting on the 16th. My dog has a vet appointment tomorrow for a vaccine booster. On the 1st my other dog was spayed, so I chose not to do it around that time in order to care for her. I'm considering just calling and rescheduling the booster for the next week and my bf can do it if I go through with things tomorrow.
Would that be awful of me to not just wait until next week? My mom also has PTSD and a drinking problem. She has hurt me a ton in life, but I still love her and dont want to hurt her at all.
Is there ever really a "good time" to do it? I just can't take this anymore.
I considered waiting for freezing weather, for snow, and just downing some alcohol and burying myself. Its 31°F now, should not be snowing for a few more weeks I assume. My other option was hanging, though I've tried several times and never succeed. I dont know how to do anything successfully and avoid horrible suffering or getting caught.
Today he's been a full blown jerk again, so I had to leave. He started calling and yelling about things; he doesn't feel sorry for anything, he's just upset that I turned off my location(he claimed he cheated on me last year and held up the story for an entire year, then told me he lied about it mid year this year-the location thing was for him to share with me and not turn off, not me, but it's become that way. I just didn't want him following me and wanted to be truly alone-especially in case I decide to go to a bridge or forest or something).
I blocked his number after he started yelling, now I'm afraid to go back. He has abused me in every way possible and when he's this upset, I'm afraid to be around him at all. Idk what to do. Idk if I should turn it all back on or not, I'm just freaked out and feel terrible.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I'm in about 10K of debt from credit and school loans, my mom is severely mentally ill and I can't move back in with her, my dad has no place for me, my brother never answers when I ask. My mom shit talked me so much to him that he supposedly purposely doesn't respond.
I feel trapped and alone. I just want to die, but there never seems to be a good time to do it. In September, it was my brother's wedding, in October, my brother's birthday and I worked and didn't want to NCNS work and then screw up my suicide or something and be jobless. I ended up leaving the job anyway because I couldn't handle it and it took over a month for me to get paid my measly $200.
My bf told me he was sorry about everything and that I could just focus on getting better when he moved us out, but the 2nd day at our new place he tackled me again after 2 years of nothing. I had to call the police once while we were there and when they asked me questions, I said I was just scared, but he told them there was a physical fight. As usual, he was the only one with scratch marks(I was trying to pry his hands off my neck), and the officer who spoke with him seemed to think I was the one at fault.
I couldn't find a job where we lived at the time anyway. This year I've worked at 2 different places, but I can't maintain a job due to PTSD. I feel like there's nothing left for me but to just die. I kind of want to live, but I have nothing left. This person has destroyed my spirit and sense of reality, trust, love, and self. He's stolen all of my dignity and hope in life. At this level of damage, I feel like there is definitely no return. I've been with him for almost 9 years. I wish every day that I would have stayed at home even though he moved us out because my mom was abusive and he supposedly wanted me to have a peaceful environment to heal from everything. I wish I would've left him so many times, and now I can't and I feel more alone than I ever thought imaginable.
I just dont know when to do it. My mom is visiting this week on the 14th and then his friend is visiting on the 16th. My dog has a vet appointment tomorrow for a vaccine booster. On the 1st my other dog was spayed, so I chose not to do it around that time in order to care for her. I'm considering just calling and rescheduling the booster for the next week and my bf can do it if I go through with things tomorrow.
Would that be awful of me to not just wait until next week? My mom also has PTSD and a drinking problem. She has hurt me a ton in life, but I still love her and dont want to hurt her at all.
Is there ever really a "good time" to do it? I just can't take this anymore.
I considered waiting for freezing weather, for snow, and just downing some alcohol and burying myself. Its 31°F now, should not be snowing for a few more weeks I assume. My other option was hanging, though I've tried several times and never succeed. I dont know how to do anything successfully and avoid horrible suffering or getting caught.
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