When is enough enough? How did you decide it was time to go?

[sunshine4]

Been feeling set on CTB for next weekend. I have CPTSD, never really enjoy anything besides watching TV, and feel like I've never met the right people in life and almost all the people I've gotten close to/family have let me down. My parents were abusive and the idea of having to do with them for the rest of my life makes me depressed. I know I can go no contact on them but that is also a lonely experience. There is nothing else I want to do and I hate the everyday life. I don't feel connected with people. The idea of living in the fall makes me nauseous. I want the peace and rest of CTB.

However I recognize that I come from a much better position than many people considering CTB. I am 20 and do have a seemingly "good" future ahead of me. I am a CS major at an Ivy league school with good career prospects and have had decent romantic prospects. My last relationship messed with me emotionally and mentally a lot though and honestly it felt like the last straw. In my logical brain part of it has the idea that even though I don't enjoy anything I can stick it out. But my heart says it's tired and ready to go. I have friends I am decently smart but every day when I wake up I wish I didn't. I've been like this my whole life I've had therapy for years. 3 therapists. 5 different medications. I've done shrooms to treat myself. The only things I haven't done are ECT and ketamine. I feel like I've had enough of people using me and harassing me in my life. I guess sometimes I feel like I don't feel "justified" enough to CTB even though it's all I think about and I don't need a justification.

 

[Julgran]

Been feeling set on CTB for next weekend. I have CPTSD, never really enjoy anything besides watching TV, and feel like I've never met the right people in life and almost all the people I've gotten close to/family have let me down. My parents were abusive and the idea of having to do with them for the rest of my life makes me depressed. I know I can go no contact on them but that is also a lonely experience. There is nothing else I want to do and I hate the everyday life. I don't feel connected with people. The idea of living in the fall makes me nauseous. I want the peace and rest of CTB.

However I recognize that I come from a much better position than many people considering CTB. I am 20 and do have a seemingly "good" future ahead of me. I am a CS major at an Ivy league school with good career prospects and have had decent romantic prospects. My last relationship messed with me emotionally and mentally a lot though and honestly it felt like the last straw. In my logical brain part of it has the idea that even though I don't enjoy anything I can stick it out. But my heart says it's tired and ready to go. I have friends I am decently smart but every day when I wake up I wish I didn't. I've been like this my whole life I've had therapy for years. 3 therapists. 5 different medications. I've done shrooms to treat myself. The only things I haven't done are ECT and ketamine. I feel like I've had enough of people using me and harassing me in my life. I guess sometimes I feel like I don't feel "justified" enough to CTB even though it's all I think about and I don't need a justification.

It's sad to hear that you were abused by your parents.

As for wanting to end your life, there will always be at least one person on this planet who is in a worse situation than us, so there's no use in thinking too much about that, because then we may not be ablel to process our own grief or problems. This means that your problems are the most serious to you, no matter what anyone else is going through.

If I may ask, what has made you come to this conclusion about your potential decision to CTB? Is it your past history? I'm only asking since you mentioned that you seem to have fairly positive future prospects.

 

[sunshine4]

It's sad to hear that you were abused by your parents.

As for wanting to end your life, there will always be at least one person on this planet who is in a worse situation than us, so there's no use in thinking too much about that, because then we may not be ablel to process our own grief or problems. This means that your problems are the most serious to you, no matter what anyone else is going through.

If I may ask, what has made you come to this conclusion about your potential decision to CTB? Is it your past history? I'm only asking since you mentioned that you seem to have fairly positive future prospects.

Thank you about your comment about comparisons. You're right it's no use to compare ourselves to other people.

It's my past history and quality of life. I feel like trauma stays in your body and doesn't go away and traumatic events keep happening to me not of my own doing (parents and ex boyfriend). It is a lot to carry. I am tired all the time and to be honest don't have any passions or interests and I never have. I do things for school/career because I'm scared I won't be able to CTB and then will have to live a lousy life if I don't set myself up. I've worked so hard before and never fully live the life I want to or hit my goals. Sometimes I think maybe something is wrong with my brain and its pleasure centers, since I don't have genuine personal interests. Life has been just work so far and I don't see why the future is different. I am grateful for financial stability in the future but it doesn't give me a reason to live. My last relationship damaged me really badly so I won't be able to see anyone for years and I also have to undo all this fucking trauma. I can't fully trust anyone again. It made me realize that I've had to handle things alone all through childhood to now and that's how life is. You can only really depend on yourself and I'm tired of that burden. I know things can ~always change~ in the future, but I don't care to wait for the future. I wanted to kill myself when I was 12 but I said I'll wait until college and college hasn't changed life enough. I've waited for YEARS. If I kill myself next week and everything in life was supposed to pick up in two weeks, I don't care. It's been too long a wait. I feel like I've had enough and there's nothing more I want to do anyway.

Sorry for the long rant.

 

[Julgran]

It's my past history and quality of life. I feel like trauma stays in your body and doesn't go away and traumatic events keep happening to me not of my own doing (parents and ex boyfriend). It is a lot to carry. I am tired all the time and to be honest don't have any passions or interests and I never have. I do things for school/career because I'm scared I won't be able to CTB and then will have to live a lousy life if I don't set myself up. I've worked so hard before and never fully live the life I want to or hit my goals.

Do you feel like you have been wronged in some way - by your ex boyfriend or someone else? I can imagine that having pent-up trauma leaves you with a sense of never being able to let go of the past.

Sometimes I think maybe something is wrong with my brain and its pleasure centers, since I don't have genuine personal interests.

This could be regular depression, but I'm no expert. Either way, it's the reality that you have to contend with, and I'm sorry for you.

Life has been just work so far and I don't see why the future is different. I am grateful for financial stability in the future but it doesn't give me a reason to live. My last relationship damaged me really badly so I won't be able to see anyone for years and I also have to undo all this fucking trauma. I can't fully trust anyone again. It made me realize that I've had to handle things alone all through childhood to now and that's how life is. You can only really depend on yourself and I'm tired of that burden.

Well, having such baggage can make any future look burdensome, so you are in your right to have strong feelings about this.

I know things can ~always change~ in the future, but I don't care to wait for the future. I wanted to kill myself when I was 12 but I said I'll wait until college and college hasn't changed life enough. I've waited for YEARS. If I kill myself next week and everything in life was supposed to pick up in two weeks, I don't care. It's been too long a wait. I feel like I've had enough and there's nothing more I want to do anyway.

Yeah - when times has passed, potential positive changes may cease to have any meaning.

Sorry for the long rant.

No worries. You are always welcome

I hope that someone who shares similar experiences to you may find your thread here, and that they can help you along.

 

[sunshine4]

Do you feel like you have been wronged in some way - by your ex boyfriend or someone else? I can imagine that having pent-up trauma leaves you with a sense of never being able to let go of the past.



This could be regular depression, but I'm no expert. Either way, it's the reality that you have to contend with, and I'm sorry for you.



Well, having such baggage can make any future look burdensome, so you are in your right to have strong feelings about this.



Yeah - when times has passed, potential positive changes may cease to have any meaning.



No worries. You are always welcome

I hope that someone who shares similar experiences to you may find your thread here, and that they can help you along.

To your first question - yeah I definitely do. I feel like I was wronged by my ex boyfriend and there is no justice. There is no justice for what my parents did to me either. My ex boyfriend did not hit me and my parents hit me infrequently so almost all of it is emotional abuse. I can't get justice for it and it's difficult to explain to people. A lot of times I wish they'd have stabbed me instead so I can at least get public sympathy.
Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Julgran]

To your first question - yeah I definitely do. I feel like I was wronged by my ex boyfriend and there is no justice. There is no justice for what my parents did to me either. My ex boyfriend did not hit me and my parents hit me infrequently so almost all of it is emotional abuse. I can't get justice for it and it's difficult to explain to people.

That's horrible, of course. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our parents, but one positive is that you ended your relationship with your ex boyfriend.

A lot of times I wish they'd have stabbed me instead so I can at least get public sympathy.
Thank you for your kind words.

Now, it's a small comfort, but this community will likely show you some sympathy - even though that can't compare to a lifetime of troubles like the ones you have described. For some, life is just a constant struggle....

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think you have to trust yourself, and if life ever gets to the point where it's really time to go, you'll know it.

 

[Suicideorgy]

currently jobless, homeless, living in an rv with two other people. No car or way to get to work. I just dont feel like struggling anymore. I have no qualifications and been out of work for 3 years while I was homeless. I need some money. I have never been so jealous of mopeds before but damn it would be a game changer to get something like that.

Cant even donate plasma, they said my veins are to small. Smh

 

[Lost Magic]

Family is gone, friends are few, environment sucks and I see nothing but a bleak future. I died a long time ago. My shell is all that remains and it has to die too.

 

[PleaseTakeMeAway]

My family is split and I feel hated. My older brother raped me whenever I was young all the way until I was 13. My boyfriend left me and I just can't love anyone else. I don't have any friends, everyone leaves me pretty quickly no matter what I do. The nightmares I get near every night, the only enjoyment I get anymore is from drinking...

It's just not worth it for me. I'm currently searching for a more doable way to die, with the lowest possibility I could be saved (I'm very rarely alone in this house) because I'm just so tired. It's exhausting, waking up and just wishing that I didn't have to do this anymore. I can't even get peace in my sleep, I constantly have to cry myself to sleep just to be woken up from my nightmares, whether it be about my ex boyfriend or something else. It's just too long a list of negatives, and I can't think of any positives to make me want to live.

I can't find anything to even just trick myself into thinking it's worth it anymore. I've degraded into a lifeless husk of a person.

So yeah, with all of that on my plate, I think I'm ready to go, that I've really decided. As soon as I can find a better way out of this mess.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I should have left a long time ago, but the fact is, is that dying is not easy. Life is just endless problems and misery that will only get worse the longer I stay alive, so of course death is the best thing for me. I think that only the individual knows when it is time to leave and of course nobody needs to justify their reasons for leaving.
Suicide does not even need a reason, it is a personal choice. We all have no obligations to live as we never asked to be here.
It is sad how so much suffering exists and how life drives people to this point, but I guess in a life like this there is no escape from pain and that is just the way that things are.