Venting When I was a kid I almost drowned

[Imaginos]

And here I am, on yet another awful night, angrily ruing the fact that I didn't. Instead, I got to live out my thoroughly shitty existence and rot away in my own personal purgatory, while at the same time committing slow suicide with my equally depressed mother in a stagnant atmosphere of pure morbidity. Like a couple of decaying corpses left moldering on the floor in some dark forgotten corner of the world. It's interesting how some people go their whole lives and never once think about suicide, whereas I've spent essentially my whole life wishing myself dead.

Well, at the very least, I can imagine that my life expectancy is significantly shortened due to so many years of having to endure a state of severely chronic depression and near constant suicidal ideation. Some people, such as myself, should never have been here. It's really as simple as that. The fact that I am will never not feel to me like some kind of horrific cosmic mistake, or an otherwise cruel and unusual punishment. In an ideal world, I would've been aborted as a fetus on the grounds of, one day, being a hopelessly defective human being. Failing that, I should've had my head bashed in with a rock as a baby, or gotten chucked into a gorge like in that 300 movie. Failing that, I should've been left to drown in that cold and murky water all those many years ago, which would've been especially easy since I didn't know how to swim, and I still don't, and I probably never will. How fitting, since I'll also never know how to swim through the currents of life either.

And now. Now it's too late. The damage is done, and all that pain I could've been spared has instead been relentlessly rained down upon me and irreparably scarred my soul as a result. If you were about to be brutally tortured, you'd ideally want a merciful death before that brutal torture begins to work its agonizing magic on you. Getting it afterwards doesn't really have anywhere near the same value, but I guess it's better than not getting it at all. We'll see if such a sort of merciful death ever finds me, but it'll probably be of the horrible, painfully drawn out variety because that's about the kind of luck I have, which is to say none at all.

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

And now. Now it's too late. The damage is done, and all that pain I could've been spared has instead been relentlessly rained down upon me and irreparably scarred my soul as a result. If you were about to be brutally tortured, you'd ideally want a merciful death before that brutal torture begins to work its agonizing magic on you. Getting it afterwards doesn't really have anywhere near the same value

And yet there are people who say: "Well, if my child won't like his life, he can always kill himself!"
This, of course, completely disregards the fact that all the suffering that lead to this point was completely unnecessary.
"Well, not all children turn out like that." This is the admission that childbearing is just a gamble with someone else's life.

 

[deflationary]

You're great at expressing the harrowing nature of your situation and, by extension, life as a whole. I'm sorry things are like this :(

 

[Imaginos]

"Well, not all children turn out like that." This is the admission that childbearing is just a gamble with someone else's life.

A gamble, needless to say, that I lost out on big time, but nobody in the broader world wants to hear or be reminded about that. If you asked most anyone, they'd just dismiss me as a sad, pathetic loser who wasted the "gift" of his life. Most would probably agree, for various reasons (such as me being just another useless eater society could do without, or what have you, being the most common), that I'd be far better off dead, but what's far better than that is simply never being born altogether. But, like you pointed out, most people would, once again, hold firm to the belief that the fault doesn't lie with life itself, but with me, and that it sure as shit won't be their kid who turns out to be a chronically depressed abject failure of a human being who wishes himself dead nearly every single day/night.

And you know, who's to say which position is wrong, or which one is right? I really don't even know anymore, but one thing I can say for certain is that any possible reason that could've led to me being an abortion, or otherwise euthanized as a child, would've been a-okay with me.

Instead, people like me are left to be the "acceptable losses". The expendable trash swept away out of sight, or festering in some unseen garbage bin. The willfully ignored collateral damage, so all those functional, well adjusted, and overall life satisfied people could be born. To the calculation of most everyone out there, it's far more important to allow people capable of being satisfied by life to be born, than it is to prevent the birth of those who will never know any such kind of satisfaction. And thus this wretched dynamic will never change, and when it comes to someone such as myself, in my kind of excruciating predicament, the grim truth is that I won't be the last, and there are many growing up now, or those that have yet to be born, who will indeed come to resemble someone like me. Much as prospective parents, or pro-lifers, would seek to deny it.

I'm sorry things are like this :(

Well, what's worse, to me anyway, is that I also almost drowned as a baby. Two opportunities I could've checked out early, and I missed out on both of them. How unlucky can one guy be? Not only that, but of tens of millions of other sperm cells who both managed to be spared the horrendous curse of existence, or perhaps might've been far more happy/functional individuals, it was the one that came to be me left holding this cosmic bag of shit. This is, as far as I'm concerned, the worst luck imaginable, despite how often people tend to twist it around the other way, in terms of using it as an example of how "lucky" each of us are for being alive. Of course, always spoken by people whose lives didn't turn out to be steaming piles of shit.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is just so horrible. I wish I died when I was a child as it would have prevented many years of suffering. I can imagine it must be painful knowing that you nearly died, you were nearly free of this awful existence. Anyway, I hope you find peace.

 

[blueclover_.]

I just fucking hate natalists so much. That 'Life is a blessing' bs needs to stop. Sometimes i think i'm going insane with rage. Just wanna end this.