When I think about recovery and becoming happier and more sociable, I feel great discomfort. Why?

[ncmxm]

Has anyone had similar feelings, and if yes, do you know why that can be?

When I think about recovery, it's like I can feel my mind fighting against itself

 

[Venus13]

The number one reason for me is because it wasn't possible and it hurt more to imagine the possibilities. I preferred to stay low where it matched my reality. It was breaking my own heart to notice the disparity.

Another reason is I felt my pain was ignored in imagining a smooth recovery. My suffering needed its time to be known and presented fully. If I imagined just being over it and going along like nothing had gone so wrong inside me it annoyed me. My recovery has been insanely rough and it's honestly fitting given how heavy and dark my decline was.

That's some of the things I've noticed. When you think about it what do you think it is? It must be something known to you subconsciously if you feel it but can't find the reason yet.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Recovery means embracing life, both the good and the bad. That can be a daunting thing when it's simpler in a sense to just nuke it all.

 

[jodes2]

I love it when I start feeling better. What sucks is when something bad happens and everything comes crashing back down

 

[lionetta12]

Has anyone had similar feelings, and if yes, do you know why that can be?

When I think about recovery, it's like I can feel my mind fighting against itself

Might be the fear of the unknown and taking a path that you're unfamiliar with making you feel a little uncomfortable.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

i feel like this too, and it goes beyond fear of the unknown, i just really can't find it in me to justify my existence. it feels like i have to punish myself for every second that i stay on this earth instead of just ctb, and i can't bring myself to feel like i deserve a better life.

 

[hughmun9]

For me it's the change in identity. When I feel better, I eat more I smile more I talk louder I walk different it feels a bit like I'm a different person and that's scary.

 

[prim]

Has anyone had similar feelings, and if yes, do you know why that can be?

When I think about recovery, it's like I can feel my mind fighting against itself

i dont know about you but i enjoy feeling bad and wanting to hurt myself

 

[wastingpotential]

i think the main aspect of it is the change that comes with it all. i think i can speak for many people on the forum (myself included) that we've felt unhappy with our lives for so long that it's something we're used to, we've found our own comfort in the sadness we feel.

to have that all turn 180° and flip our lives around does sound uncomfortable.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

I've felt the same and still do. I think it's because being intent on CTB has been part of my identity for so long that the idea of not makes me think "So then what do I think about all day?" or "Okay but what then?" and I can't think of an alternative because I don't see the reasons behind my desire going away just because I changed my mind, and I already tried everything to fix those so I know that's not an option. It's more that I just can't see it happen though, I guess.

 

[toro]

sadness is very very comfortable, its easy to wallow and let yourself feel safe in it because as long as youre expecting the worst, it can only get better. but when you step out of that mindset and force yourself to allow happiness into your life, youre hit with the fact that it is temperamental, and while there is always sadness, happiness will come and go. it take a lot of strength and perseverance to carry on in recovery knowing that, which is why it can feel so daunting and scary. i believe its worth it though, even if ive never accomplished it myself!! fight against whatever it is that tells you recovery is too scary or isnt worth it, and do your honest best to recover !!!!

 

[stoopid]

We lie to ourselves simply to feel better.

Constructed fake hope is more comforting than eternal pain and sadness.

 

[bijou]

when i feel this way, it often comes from a problematic place of letting my illness become my complete identity. it's appears to be a "comfortable" space, but is it really?