When I lose my battle with depression and anoxeria know that I tried and fought

[FireFox]

It's inevitable I will lose my battle with depression and anoxeria. When I do know that I really tried, endured and fought so hard. I really wanted to be happy but as time has gone on I now know its not meant to be . I will dead in my 30s as I can't cope with another decade.

I never really had a chance:
● Struggled to fit in and belong throughout my life

● Awful and unsupportive relatives who never helped my mother when she was struggling when she had me. I hate my mother so much for forcing me to interact with these people and always financially helping them. My household would have been richer if my mother never helped them. These arsehole relatives are the reason why I was forced to take a student loan because my mum and grandmother had no money to send me to university as they kept giving these arseholes money.

● I struggled to cope with male rejection because I was never taught how to deal with it and I never got over my father never wanting me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really such a cruel existence where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own and to me it's really understandable not wishing to endure another decade of suffering, the thought of being trapped here for many more years is so awful to me. But anyway it's horrible how humans just make existing even worse, I think that humans are the worst species.

 

[Sweet Tart]

EDs are the hardest thing I've ever fought and I've been fighting for 40+ years. Idk if people who've never experienced one can grasp what it's like to be locked in a struggle with yourself over one of the most basic things we need in order to make our bodies work, yet has so many layers of meaning and significance, both personal and cultural.

 

[Fox of June]

It's inevitable I will lose my battle with depression and anoxeria. When I do know that I really tried, endured and fought so hard. I really wanted to be happy but as time has gone on I now know its not meant to be . I will dead in my 30s as I can't cope with another decade.

I never really had a chance:
● Struggled to fit in and belong throughout my life

● Awful and unsupportive relatives who never helped my mother when she was struggling when she had me. I hate my mother so much for forcing me to interact with these people and always financially helping them. My household would have been richer if my mother never helped them. These arsehole relatives are the reason why I was forced to take a student loan because my mum and grandmother had no money to send me to university as they kept giving these arseholes money.

● I struggled to cope with male rejection because I was never taught how to deal with it and I never got over my father never wanting me.

Sounds a very distressing situation for you, FF. So sad that things out of your control have had such a profound negative on your life. Really hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[FireFox]

EDs are the hardest thing I've ever fought and I've been fighting for 40+ years. Idk if people who've never experienced one can grasp what it's like to be locked in a struggle with yourself over one of the most basic things we need in order to make our bodies work, yet has so many layers of meaning and significance, both personal and cultural.

@Sweet Tart I really wanted to be happy and I really wanted things to work out. I am just tired of living.

Sometimes I actually hate my mother for always focusing on the relatives and thier problems and not focusing on the child in front them. It is kills me knowing that my household would have been so much richer and life would have been so much easier if my mother wasn't giving these arseholes money. God I hate my relatives so much and I hate my mother for continuing to love and care about these people and forcing me to interact with them. I blame my relatives for some of my problems

I hate my family at times for never taking seriously whenever I had anxiey or depression and being judgemental so I grew up self harming to deal with all these feelings. The same family criticise me for abusing laxatives and diet pills when they don't even realise they played a role in why I opt for self harm Behaviours.

Fuck my relatives they deserve to rot. I hate them so much. My family tell me God gave us these arsehole relatives "for a reason" and how the Bible says "you got to forgive". These arsehole relatives are not even sorry for the pain they cause people.

These arsehole relatives are the SOLE reason why growing up I felt like an outsider and unwanted.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I had a very close friend once who was anorexic, and was also self- harming. I tried everything I could to help her, but after a couple of years I realised that it was a losing battle.
She had a great deal of childhood trauma and abandonment issues. It's a heartbreaking thing to see this happen.
I know my words are probably useless here but I am so sorry you are going through this. And fuck your toxic family for causing you so much grief.

 

[FireFox]

I had a very close friend once who was anorexic, and was also self- harming. I tried everything I could to help her, but after a couple of years I realised that it was a losing battle.
She had a great deal of childhood trauma and abandonment issues. It's a heartbreaking thing to see this happen.
I know my words are probably useless here but I am so sorry you are going through this. And fuck your toxic family for causing you so much grief.

@The anhedonic one As I grow older I can no longer cope with the fact my father abandoned me and now I believe I am truly am unlovable after a lifetime for male rejection. Growing up I had to watch my mother work multiple jobs and she took her stress about work out on me. As a child and teenagr I thought if I had a father my mother wouldn't be working multiple jobs and life would be easier. I hate my relatives for never helping my mother even though my mother always helped them with their problems.

I have pure resentment as a result being abandoned by own father and rejected by my blood relatives. It is a wound that never heals and it has finally become unbearable to live with. I hate the pressure my family always put on me to be perfect because I was the first born.

I am unlovable

 

[Sweet Tart]

@Sweet Tart I really wanted to be happy and I really wanted things to work out. I am just tired of living.

Sometimes I actually hate my mother for always focusing on the relatives and thier problems and not focusing on the child in front them. It is kills me knowing that my household would have been so much richer and life would have been so much easier if my mother wasn't giving these arseholes money. God I hate my relatives so much and I hate my mother for continuing to love and care about these people and forcing me to interact with them. I blame my relatives for some of my problems

I hate my family at times for never taking seriously whenever I had anxiey or depression and being judgemental so I grew up self harming to deal with all these feelings. The same family criticise me for abusing laxatives and diet pills when they don't even realise they played a role in why I opt for self harm Behaviours.

Fuck my relatives they deserve to rot. I hate them so much. My family tell me God gave us these arsehole relatives "for a reason" and how the Bible says "you got to forgive". These arsehole relatives are not even sorry for the pain they cause people.

These arsehole relatives are the SOLE reason why growing up I felt like an outsider and unwanted.

I hate your family, too! They sound like judgmental assholes. Having talked to many other people with EDs, a history of neglect and emotional abuse so often seems to be part of it. I don't believe people who harmed us deserve forgiveness. I think giving them the mercy of us not harming them in return is fair, but fuck forgiveness.

 

[FireFox]

I hate your family, too! They sound like judgmental assholes. Having talked to many other people with EDs, a history of neglect and emotional abuse so often seems to be part of it. I don't believe people who harmed us deserve forgiveness. I think giving them the mercy of us not harming them in return is fair, but fuck forgiveness.

@Sweet Tart What I hate about abusive and toxic families is how abusive/toxic family members look down upon other relatives and see themselves as superior even though their OWN households are no one near perfect and completely dysfunctional.

My grandmother side of the family is so huge and this side of the family is so abusive and toxic. All these aunties and uncles along with their adult children constantly look down upon my mother and grandmother and always make fun of my mother's or grandmothers problems.

I hate how my grandmother and mother too expect me to be perfect when these arsehole relatives households are so much worse.
Their households are far worse :
● I have an uncle who has 2 adult daughters who are the same age as me . His daughters are currently in prison for stealing and doing mass fraud in their jobs.

● I have another uncle who is visting this week the man is a woman beater and goes chruch every Sunday. The relatives all love him even though the entire family knows he is a woman beater.

● The rest are either have dysfunctional marriages or just stealing and lying .

when my mother complains about how the relatives hurt I don't feel sorry for her because she could have had a wonderful life if she didn't waste her life helping these arseholes and ungrateful pieces of shit which is what these relatives are. I don't care what the bible says some relatives people are better off without and we don't owe anything to arsehole relatives who do nothing.

 

[Sweet Tart]

It sounds like you are in a really hard situation with the judgments and comparisons. Is it possible to get some time away or move out at some point?

 

[Jezzibell]

I've had an ED for 35 years. I don't even want to recover. I weigh 21kgs and still take very strong prescription only appetite suppressant to stop me obsessing about eating whilst I work. Today was my off day and I spent it eating 20k cals and purging. I'm fed up with this. I'm exhausted

I get it about family. I've always been the black sheep. Blamed for everything. Aunts and cousins and parents all think that I shouldn't belong in their family circle. The minute I do something wrong, the sentiment is well I never expected anything more.

Well. Fuck them. They are not in my life. I've moved somewhere far away and they don't even know or care where I am.

Its probably not something you can do though if you still stay at home.

Remember though, these bad characters are not worth worrying about. You should not care about how they perceive you. Families are the pits. More bullying in the average family than a toxic workplace.

 

[FireFox]

I've had an ED for 35 years. I don't even want to recover. I weigh 21kgs and still take very strong prescription only appetite suppressant to stop me obsessing about eating whilst I work. Today was my off day and I spent it eating 20k cals and purging. I'm fed up with this. I'm exhausted

I get it about family. I've always been the black sheep. Blamed for everything. Aunts and cousins and parents all think that I shouldn't belong in their family circle. The minute I do something wrong, the sentiment is well I never expected anything more.

Well. Fuck them. They are not in my life. I've moved somewhere far away and they don't even know or care where I am.

Its probably not something you can do though if you still stay at home.

Remember though, these bad characters are not worth worrying about. You should not care about how they perceive you. Families are the pits. More bullying in the average family than a toxic workplace.

@jessicaX Last year things were finally starting to improve. I had the most amazing holiday of my life in Venice, I got a job and I fell in love with an older man because I thought he was awesome. I was stupid I was 25 at the time and he is 55 turned 56 this year. He made me feel so special no man ever did that for me. All life I have been invisible, rejected and ignored by men. It was great having someone notice me for once.

This year 2023 has been the worst first I had spend my entire January with my arsehole relatives abroad. I was happy during the pandemic never seeing these people again because of the travel restrictions it was pure freedom and bliss
Then the older man I fell in love with was an manipulative lying arsehole who humiliated me at work. The man caused me so much pain

My workplace was just toxic environment. I got fired for perfomance reasons.

I am so tired of this year with nothing going right and never winning. I feel so defined by the fired label. Its a humiliating label.

I am an achievement driven person so for me I feel like the world's biggest failure at my age for messing up when shouldn't be at my adult age.

 

[Jezzibell]

@jessicaX Last year things were finally starting to improve. I had the most amazing holiday of my life in Venice, I got a job and I fell in love with an older man because I thought he was awesome. I was stupid I was 25 at the time and he is 55 turned 56 this year. He made me feel so special no man ever did that for me. All life I have been invisible, rejected and ignored by men. It was great having someone notice me for once.

This year 2023 has been the worst first I had spend my entire January with my arsehole relatives abroad. I was happy during the pandemic never seeing these people again because of the travel restrictions it was pure freedom and bliss
Then the older man I fell in love with was an manipulative lying arsehole who humiliated me at work. The man caused me so much pain

My workplace was just toxic environment. I got fired for perfomance reasons.

I am so tired of this year with nothing going right and never winning. I feel so defined by the fired label. Its a humiliating label.

I am an achievement driven person so for me I feel like the world's biggest failure at my age for messing up when shouldn't be at my adult age.

First off. You are not a failure. I know all to well about having a manipulative toxic relationship. It destroys your world, and your soul.

Battling an ED during stressful periods IS VERY VERY HARD. I'm not sure people who haven't had one can really understand. So coping with this shows you are not a failure.

When work is toxic and personal life is difficult, it is overwhelming. But you have again coped.

This piece of scum man clearly abused your trust. The fact that he caused problems with work proves he is absolutely the lowest of the low. Causing problems with people's work is never ok.

What I'm sensing is a lack of confidence in yourself. Its difficult navigating assertiveness, but you need to be clear with relatives who want to undermine you.

And as far as he is concerned- i spit in his face. Lol

 

[Pluto]

Family dysfunction leaves a huge scar. I'm over 40 but I still know that so much of my daily suffering can be traced to sadistic parents who viewed me as unworthy of love.

It sounds like there was a lot of manipulation happening to make your mother choose to prioritise relatives over you. In my own case, the only person who cared about me was a now-deceased grandmother; when I told her about how Nfather was all about being generous to outsiders, she sternly replied, "Charity begins at home." I think that sums it up.

I wish I had something more constructive to say. I don't see myself surviving long-term either, and it is so frustrating that I will be judged for failing, with all the years of fighting and silent inner screams never to be heard by another soul.