Venting When I hear about someone who died, I envy them

[KillingPain267]

In fact, even watching gore cartel videos I envy the victims when they finally look dead after a few minutes of torture.

 

[Agon321]

I don't think these people were happy ;).

Torture is a very unpleasant thing.
You can do very creative and VERY painful things with the human body and mind.
I've watched quite a lot of such videos and I definitely wouldn't want to be in these people's shoes.
I prefer to die differently.

If you were tortured, you would regret these words very quickly.

By the way, the "victims" of cartels very often belong to the same world.
They just play a different role this time.
This can be called the life cycle of a cartel member.
Sometimes you torture, sometimes you are tortured ;).

 

[KillingPain267]

I don't think these people were happy ;).

Torture is a very unpleasant thing.
You can do very creative and VERY painful things with the human body and mind.

Yes, but I feel like being tortured mentally for most of the day. I cry 2-3 hours and the rest of the day have an urge to cry which feels like all my nerves are being roasted. Then I get a headache from all the tears in the evening which makes me focus on that instead (and actually I am starting to sh with knife and nails also to try to escape the mental pain). Then I fall asleep exhausted. The next morning every morning when I become conscious again I feel a sense of hopelessness and start again crying or trying to fall back to unconsciousness in sleep. It's been months now like that. There is no cartel rival finally putting bullets in my head after 10 minutes of torture (I have rarely seen a video longer than that; the victim never lasts long no matter how creative). So I find cartel gangs more merciful than the society I live in where I am not allowed legally to ctb at all and they actively prevent me from stopping the suffering. Even drugs like benzos or opioids that really actually calm me are denied to me. I know the victims were not happy, but when they got the bullet or their head was finally severed, at least all was over. I do not have such end in 10-30 minutes to look forward to.

By the way, the "victims" of cartels very often belong to the same world.
They just play a different role this time.
This can be called the life cycle of a cartel member.
Sometimes you torture, sometimes you are tortured ;).

Yes, I know that. They basically reaped what they have sown. Lol. "for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword." (Matthew 26:52)

 

[FuneralCry]

I only envy those who no longer exist in my case, it sounds so peaceful to simply not exist for all eternity and to be completely unaware of the evil that is existence. All that I've ever wished for is to be permanently unconscious, to me there's no value in all the meaningless suffering that existing causes, I'd always see it as better that existence is forgotten about.

 

[Agon321]

Yes, but I feel like being tortured mentally for most of the day. I cry 2-3 hours and the rest of the day have an urge to cry which feels like all my nerves are being roasted. Then I get a headache from all the tears in the evening which makes me focus on that instead (and actually I am starting to sh with knife and nails also to try to escape the mental pain). Then I fall asleep exhausted. The next morning every morning when I become conscious again I feel a sense of hopelessness and start again crying or trying to fall back to unconsciousness in sleep. It's been months now like that. There is no cartel rival finally putting bullets in my head after 10 minutes of torture (I have rarely seen a video longer than that; the victim never lasts long no matter how creative). So I find cartel gangs more merciful than the society I live in where I am not allowed legally to ctb at all and they actively prevent me from stopping the suffering. Even drugs like benzos or opioids that really actually calm me are denied to me. I know the victims were not happy, but when they got the bullet or their head was finally severed, at least all was over. I do not have such end in 10-30 minutes to look forward to.

Yes, I know that. They basically reaped what they have sown. Lol. "for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword." (Matthew 26:52)

I write from my perspective.
I don't want to be physically and/or mentally tortured. Even if it doesn't last long.
Some tortures last for a relatively long time.
Sometimes in the videos we only see the final stage of torture. In practice, the entire "process" may take longer.
This is not a situation I would like to find myself in.

I understand your view of the situation, but I currently have a different approach to the world.
I want to die, but definitely not like this.
I want to keep what's left of my dignity.