Venting when i graduate, i'm deactivating my social media and cutting most people off. i'm done trying to keep up connections with so many people.

[jenny6391bubbles]

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING NICE and then the moment I fuck up for one second or I unmask and stop pretending to be a neurotypical, I'm now the bad guy. I'm now rude and condescending. I can't believe I'm now condescending for asking if a "basic" science concept was taught to someone I was talking to. I don't know man, that concept wasn't "basic" or "general" knowledge to me. That's why I asked... but noooo, now I'm the bad guy for assuming the other person was dumb (never said that at all with my tone or my words??? whatever) or that their school was dumb. Whatever, maybe I do understand where they're coming from, but I'm so tired of having to adjust to every single person I know or I'm going to be a Bad Guy, a Rude Guy, fucking hell.

Fuck this shit, I'm so goddamn tired. The only things I can really trust are my delusions at this point. I'm done trusting people and I'm done unmasking, even towards close people. I can't wait to graduate and just cut most people off. Fuck keeping in touch through social media or whatever. Most people forget about me easily anyway. Hell, if I can migrate out of this shitty country, I definitely will. I really wish I fucking died in 2019. It's depressing how the only thing keeping me alive are my delusions -- delusions that someone will understand me truly for who I am. Well, there is my boyfriend who sticks by my side no matter how shitty things get. Hell, even I stick by his side no matter how shitty things get because I'm afraid of loneliness deep down.

Like what Punpun said carrying a lifeless Aiko, I want to know how far we'll go. How far we'd go.

I also want to know how long I'll live. They said people with my condition have an average lifespan of 30 or so years due to the intense suicidal ideations and urges, as well as risk-taking behavior. I wonder if I will make it past my 30s. I hope the researcher I admire finally publishes his dissertation, then I guess I can die after reading it in full. Or maybe, my symptoms will get better after 10 years of constant therapy. Who knows.

I wonder how far I'll go... I hope the people I truly like don't forget about me when I die though. But even Punpun gradually forgot Aiko, though.

 

[Valky]

My best friend did the same once she left school. It was a good decision. Being alone is scary but in the long run it is better than having fake friends.
I wish you all the best and hope that things go well for you!!

 

[wondering&wandering]

As an avid people pleaser I'll say it really is impossible to be what they want you to be all the time. Good for you in breaking off any toxic relationships where people don't have the ability to offer you grace in a friendship.

I'm wishing you the best in your endeavours. Hopefully you live long enough to see what you want.

P.S. I don't plan on forgetting you. You were one of the first people to interact with me on SaSu. So thanks!

 

[theboy]

it is understandable what is happening to you since people sometimes behave horribly. I also wonder how long I will live but I hope not to reach 30 or more, will you still visit the forum when you deactivate your social networks or will you disappear?

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

it is understandable what is happening to you since people sometimes behave horribly. I also wonder how long I will live but I hope not to reach 30 or more, will you still visit the forum when you deactivate your social networks or will you disappear?

i will definitely still visit this forum! more than ever as well since my boyfriend and i are deciding to break up soon.

he cannot handle my mental illness (was told to not be on antidepressants due to them worsening my pcos) anymore and goddamn, i wish i never stopped. one of the side effects of being decently happy was weight gain and i used to say id rather be overweight than "healthy" and miserable. i miss being a little more stable. man fuck it honestly if my pcos symptoms get worse, i want to stop being an inconvenience to everyone around me. i don't blame people who leave because i would fucking leave too. it takes 10 years for my symptoms to go into remission with therapy and i don't know if anyone can wait that long with me.

everything happening to me right now is really all my fault. i really want to kill myself right now, but i have to wait until my favorite researcher finishes his dissertation. i don't know if i can wait that long honestly… maybe i can read it in the afterlife?

 

[BardBarrie]

A Social Media detox can work wonders for many people.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING NICE and then the moment I fuck up for one second or I unmask and stop pretending to be a neurotypical, I'm now the bad guy. I'm now rude and condescending. I can't believe I'm now condescending for asking if a "basic" science concept was taught to someone I was talking to. I don't know man, that concept wasn't "basic" or "general" knowledge to me. That's why I asked... but noooo, now I'm the bad guy for assuming the other person was dumb (never said that at all with my tone or my words??? whatever) or that their school was dumb. Whatever, maybe I do understand where they're coming from, but I'm so tired of having to adjust to every single person I know or I'm going to be a Bad Guy, a Rude Guy, fucking hell.

Fuck this shit, I'm so goddamn tired. The only things I can really trust are my delusions at this point. I'm done trusting people and I'm done unmasking, even towards close people. I can't wait to graduate and just cut most people off. Fuck keeping in touch through social media or whatever. Most people forget about me easily anyway. Hell, if I can migrate out of this shitty country, I definitely will. I really wish I fucking died in 2019. It's depressing how the only thing keeping me alive are my delusions -- delusions that someone will understand me truly for who I am. Well, there is my boyfriend who sticks by my side no matter how shitty things get. Hell, even I stick by his side no matter how shitty things get because I'm afraid of loneliness deep down.

Like what Punpun said carrying a lifeless Aiko, I want to know how far we'll go. How far we'd go.

I also want to know how long I'll live. They said people with my condition have an average lifespan of 30 or so years due to the intense suicidal ideations and urges, as well as risk-taking behavior. I wonder if I will make it past my 30s. I hope the researcher I admire finally publishes his dissertation, then I guess I can die after reading it in full. Or maybe, my symptoms will get better after 10 years of constant therapy. Who knows.

I wonder how far I'll go... I hope the people I truly like don't forget about me when I die though. But even Punpun gradually forgot Aiko, though.

Been doing this people pleasing shit for decades and that's why I'm getting tested. All the documents and papers I've read (to me) is a very high chance I'm autistic (I'm talking 80/90% plus) given all the traits, mannerisms, etc.

After my partner left last year saying "I am family" but no longer wants to chat I've given up on everybody. Even people I've known for 20+ years (they are neurotypical) I'm not dealing with anymore. Just stop dealing with people full stop. I switched more to animals and chat with the geese, small deer and horses at the animal
Sanctuary. I actually met someone who volunteers there that is autistic as well and he's cool but I don't want any human connection shit anymore. Too much betrayal, taken advantage of, etc. doesn't help when you are smart and have a high IQ as you become an information machine and people will abuse that (people pleasing + information retention = high chance of abuse).

I just do art, spend time with my dog (she is great) and feed the birds some of which are new (a green parakeet now visits and they aren't common in this part of the UK).

Neurodivergent people tend to think outside the box and generally have the opposite of a "fast life" tendency. Meaning we analyse and plan out things rather than being impulsive and doing risky stuff.

Social media. YouTube to watch things about birds, art, etc. Is fine. The rest of it is fucking shit. Actual diarrhea content - mainstream media, celebrities (95% of them are shit and fake) apart from Chester from Linkin Park (those guys are an exception and aren't complete cunts throughout the 20+ years - hell saved me with their music to an extend at that time. Instagram - fucking dogshit, narcissism app - nothing more. Reddit - toxic as fuck. It's good for art stuff as long as you don't verge off too much. Discord - again similar to Reddit but not as bad.

School, university, all this shit is prepping you for 9-5 slave work. My school in the UK even had bars on some windows. The regimented times, boring you to death, no creativity, soul sucking teachers, have to conform (I mean like if you are good at art then that should be pursued not it plus 10 other subjects which you'll never do), dealing with cunty people (bullying, even race relations and in the Uk nobody gives a shit about race but in the playground you get abused if you go into the groups - I had that experience even though 1 of the guys was black and we loved playing GameCube together), no security (getting robbed at knife point outside of school and teachers don't give a shit) but they do when an organised fight is being done and they hear about it.

Anyways I think I'm ranting now because I could go on with this forever. Remove people. Add animals - they don't lie, cheat, gas light, judge you, abuse you, etc. yeah you might get pecked or bitten by a bird but that's because HUMANS abuses them and they need help like us here. Takes about 1-2 months and they see you as their flock.

Fuck people.

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

Been doing this people pleasing shit for decades and that's why I'm getting tested. All the documents and papers I've read (to me) is a very high chance I'm autistic (I'm talking 80/90% plus) given all the traits, mannerisms, etc.

After my partner left last year saying "I am family" but no longer wants to chat I've given up on everybody. Even people I've known for 20+ years (they are neurotypical) I'm not dealing with anymore. Just stop dealing with people full stop. I switched more to animals and chat with the geese, small deer and horses at the animal
Sanctuary. I actually met someone who volunteers there that is autistic as well and he's cool but I don't want any human connection shit anymore. Too much betrayal, taken advantage of, etc. doesn't help when you are smart and have a high IQ as you become an information machine and people will abuse that (people pleasing + information retention = high chance of abuse).

I just do art, spend time with my dog (she is great) and feed the birds some of which are new (a green parakeet now visits and they aren't common in this part of the UK).

Neurodivergent people tend to think outside the box and generally have the opposite of a "fast life" tendency. Meaning we analyse and plan out things rather than being impulsive and doing risky stuff.

Social media. YouTube to watch things about birds, art, etc. Is fine. The rest of it is fucking shit. Actual diarrhea content - mainstream media, celebrities (95% of them are shit and fake) apart from Chester from Linkin Park (those guys are an exception and aren't complete cunts throughout the 20+ years - hell saved me with their music to an extend at that time. Instagram - fucking dogshit, narcissism app - nothing more. Reddit - toxic as fuck. It's good for art stuff as long as you don't verge off too much. Discord - again similar to Reddit but not as bad.

School, university, all this shit is prepping you for 9-5 slave work. My school in the UK even had bars on some windows. The regimented times, boring you to death, no creativity, soul sucking teachers, have to conform (I mean like if you are good at art then that should be pursued not it plus 10 other subjects which you'll never do), dealing with cunty people (bullying, even race relations and in the Uk nobody gives a shit about race but in the playground you get abused if you go into the groups - I had that experience even though 1 of the guys was black and we loved playing GameCube together), no security (getting robbed at knife point outside of school and teachers don't give a shit) but they do when an organised fight is being done and they hear about it.

Anyways I think I'm ranting now because I could go on with this forever. Remove people. Add animals - they don't lie, cheat, gas light, judge you, abuse you, etc. yeah you might get pecked or bitten by a bird but that's because HUMANS abuses them and they need help like us here. Takes about 1-2 months and they see you as their flock.

Fuck people.

unfortunately i picked a degree that very much deals with people (psychology). i have an impulsive thought to just switch to history but even then, i don't know what to do with that either. i'll probably just stick with psychology and try to figure things out.

i do love animals, but i found out i'm allergic to quite a few of them (being around cats and dogs especially). after my dog passes away, i don't think i'll be able to take care of another animal at home due to worsening allergies. my high school in the philippines had so many barred windows due to students wanting to kill themselves all the time. it's kinda depressing, really.

my partner will leave me soon also even if we still both love each other because we've changed a lot. it's really true that love is no longer enough to help keep a relationship together.

man.

 

[FitsTime]

Did the same, now i'm stuck again in hell due to bad career decisions... I'd never wish this life to anyone, even my worst enemy.
No one really cared about what i wanted in life and I'm surrounded by assholes and sociopaths. I really feel tired to start again at 30+.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

unfortunately i picked a degree that very much deals with people (psychology). i have an impulsive thought to just switch to history but even then, i don't know what to do with that either. i'll probably just stick with psychology and try to figure things out.

i do love animals, but i found out i'm allergic to quite a few of them (being around cats and dogs especially). after my dog passes away, i don't think i'll be able to take care of another animal at home due to worsening allergies. my high school in the philippines had so many barred windows due to students wanting to kill themselves all the time. it's kinda depressing, really.

my partner will leave me soon also even if we still both love each other because we've changed a lot. it's really true that love is no longer enough to help keep a relationship together.

man.

Yeah I kind of got thrown in the property industry which is people. The only time it's ok is when research and doing spreadsheets and stuff. Hate it though.

Look at exotic birds (macaws, cockatoos, African greys, etc). Very smart and they live longer than people in most cases. Dog allergies you can try some natural pills (it's similar to hayfever and taking bee pollen pills). It won't erase it but you may feel better. Obviously being around the dogs will adjust your immune system. Being around them 0 won't help (it's like staying a room so you don't catch a disease when you white bloods cells would have taken care of it if you intercepted it).

I don't know if it's cause I'm a man and think logically but from what I've seen (a lot of parents shouting and not being happy married - boomers) is that most neurotypical guys want to compete and have the best stuff while the woman act on emotion and just decide one day that they are done and leave. Only the last year speaking with neurodivergent people on discord have I realised that if I was around more neurodivergent people things would be better. I'm sure of it. However most men/women are neurotypical - they are the masses. Everything is catered to them. Yeah my partner left after 4 years. I was struggling with the business because cunty people are so greedy that no sales could be done and it was happening for all clients. Even the 1% clients were still complaining. These are the people that could sell up and go live in Spain in a flat forever with no issues but no - they want the big house, big car, have to show off lots.

1 solicitor I believe hung himself during a sale. Probably the pressure and all the nonsense. It was a lot of money but the family were money hungry and crazy to say the least (even the husband died and the widow was still banging on about wanting £5million more). Yeah I spoke to him two days before that.

I hope. I really hope countries start nuking each other. It'll be for the best. Birds survived a meteor event so they will adapt to the fallout and radiation I suspect as well.

Did the same, now i'm stuck again in hell due to bad career decisions... I'd never wish this life to anyone, even my worst enemy.
No one really cared about what i wanted in life and I'm surrounded by assholes and sociopaths. I really feel tired to start again at 30+.

There are no such things as "careers" anymore. The only "career" that works is working for mum or dad's company or having a connection that owns a company. Starting up yourself is also a pain as you don't have the resources or connections. Rigged game. Don't participate.

 

[theboy]

i will definitely still visit this forum! more than ever as well since my boyfriend and i are deciding to break up soon.

he cannot handle my mental illness (was told to not be on antidepressants due to them worsening my pcos) anymore and goddamn, i wish i never stopped. one of the side effects of being decently happy was weight gain and i used to say id rather be overweight than "healthy" and miserable. i miss being a little more stable. man fuck it honestly if my pcos symptoms get worse, i want to stop being an inconvenience to everyone around me. i don't blame people who leave because i would fucking leave too. it takes 10 years for my symptoms to go into remission with therapy and i don't know if anyone can wait that long with me.

everything happening to me right now is really all my fault. i really want to kill myself right now, but i have to wait until my favorite researcher finishes his dissertation. i don't know if i can wait that long honestly… maybe i can read it in the afterlife?

what mental illness do you have? i hope you become stable and recover. it is not easy but it can be done... i hope he finishes his thesis soon.

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

what mental illness do you have? i hope you become stable and recover. it is not easy but it can be done... i hope he finishes his thesis soon.

BPD and OCD, but I think it's BPD personally that's destroying my relationship with my boyfriend, along with several other friendships and relationships as well. I really hope to become more stable and recover too. I hope to see that dissertation as well while we're still alive. I believe it has been 10+ years in the making.

 

[theboy]

BPD and OCD, but I think it's BPD personally that's destroying my relationship with my boyfriend, along with several other friendships and relationships as well. I really hope to become more stable and recover too. I hope to see that dissertation as well while we're still alive. I believe it has been 10+ years in the making.

It's been a long time since you've been like this. I understand how difficult it is. Upsets can break up relationships. In my case, I find it hard to have social relationships and if I hadn't had a crisis, my partner would still be with me. It is complex