When does depression hit you the hardest?

[theRetroHawk]

When do you guys feel the depression hits the hardest? I've been having a few good days and a lot of the time I usually just work and sleep and I don't do much else time really just flows like liquid or something I can't explain it I don't feel doing anything and it takes all my energy to sit down and play a game or watch a show or do anything that isn't cemented into a routine. Anyway sorry for not logging in a lot I usually only come here when I feel really bad and I need to blow off some steam. Anyway sorry for rambling.

I find it hits me hardest when I have some really good days, like I was at the gym trying to get in shape and when I left I just felt this wave of dread fall over me and thinking the same crap about not ever getting a gf and how I'd be better off dead due to many things and such. No matter I was feeling really good to work out them basically after I knew it was all for nothing and I would be better off dead due to my own choosing. It hit again two nights ago and last night too where I couldn't even bring myself to move out of my bed I think because I got off work and I couldn't bring myself to physically do anything I didn't have to it feels better to just simply lay there and just turn my brain off. I can't even describe it I just feel so useless and I know there is nothing after death and I don't even feel in control enough to even care about myself. It sucks because it's like a come down off drugs I have a good day and it could be something as small as even just leaving the house and it's usually at night reflecting on my day I get really sad and depressed. Anyway I am pretty tired and don't really even know what I'm saying i just feel right now in my heart of hearts I just want to be acknowledged, complemented or just even interacted with. I don't even know why I'm alive I'm literally the definition of An npc and my life is one big fuck up I always told myself to ctb by 18 and it's too late because I've made too many attachments to let myself go and the worst fuckign part is that's the worst because I hate living for other people I hate myself, I hate how stupid I am, I hate how I think differently from others, I hate how I fucking am useless to everyone and useless to myself and I need confirmation from other people of my worth because I've only been drip fed any sort of encouragement or whatever to feel needed and it seems people only have relationships with me to have something to gain From me and nobody wants to interact with me unless I am giving them something I have a few good friends who seem to care about me and I don't even know how to act around them because I don't even know how to react. Anyway I'm sorry for even talking about this or ranting I'm sorry for being a waste of space and I hope every finds their own clarity and relief

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Mine hits me really hard at night. When I'm home alone and the only one in the room. Like reality is sinking in of how bad life has become.

 

[day]

Drinking tends to help numb the feelings but sometimes it makes it so much worse and I tend to drink at night.

Sometimes it just all caves in because I can only numb myself so much.

Best of luck on your journey OP..

 

[Kaioowbtm]

When i have time to think about my life. How the f did that spiraled so bad when it was so good to begin with.

It really hit me when you said "I have a few good friends who seem to care about me and I don't even know how to act around them because I don't even know how to react" because i do not know either. I usually drink to get me tipsy but not enough to make it smell when i have friends or family come over just so i dont overthink how to treat my guests.

 

[theRetroHawk]

Drinking tends to help numb the feelings but sometimes it makes it so much worse and I tend to drink at night.

Sometimes it just all caves in because I can only numb myself so much.

Best of luck on your journey OP..

Yes I've always wanted to turn to drugs and alcohal just to numb the pain but I know I have an addictive personality and I would get hooked, I greatly appreciate your response thank you!

 

[toofargone6969]

It hits me hard in the morning and when needing to go to bed especially since my benzos have worn off. It also hits real fuckin hard when I look in the mirror or look at old photos of my previously wonderful life that I ruined

 

[Das Nichts]

Straight after waking up is the time where i'm most free of it. It gradually goes downhill als the day progresses.

I'm currently not drinking because it doesn't work like it did in the past and also it's a struggle itself
keeping it in stock.

 

[busybee]

When I am on sick leave or vacation. The guilt stresses me into doubting everything I ever did and has me believe I get fired and lose everything and that just keeps spiraling down

 

[kernel_panic]

In the winter after the sunset.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

night time

 

[laylaN]

Evenings used to suck for me. Seeing the sun set and the day beginning to end made me horribly anxious. It's like, what did I even do today that was worthwhile? Am I just going to waste away like this for the rest of my life? I felt fine/bad today, is tomorrow going to be worse? Etc.

I used to feel anxious in the mornings, too. I'd literally wake up with my heart pounding, already dreading the future even in my sleep. The only reason I stopped suddenly feeling depressed like this is because I've become too disconnected from myself to really care.

 

[ve.nin]

In the evening

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Depression usually hits me the hardest when I'm alone and drinking. Makes me realize I have absolutely no future and basically no reason to keep living. But then if I'm sober, I have to think about the past and every bad decision I ever made which then leads me to bingedrinking. I don't think I deserve to be happy at this point. I just want it to end. Every time I get in my car now I fantasize about 1976 A Star is Born ending. But I just don't want to kill anyone else in the process. Or survive

 

[sparkdarkmark]

Chemistry class and I understand nothing.

 

[Ksmиda]

When I'm in bed

 

[gbi2]

In the evenings. Although I don't do anything during the day at the moment because as hard as I try, I can't focus on anything other that typing comments here or skipping through youtube videos, the evenings are when it hits worst.

Also thinking back about how I have had around 7 months off work in 16 months and achieved nothing in that time, when if I was better I could have got a business going, or become a good sports trader or something.