When did you start being suicidal?

[Sunoo]

To be honest I'm not really sure I had depression since I was 11 so I guess I wanted to die then but it wasn't as strong as now. I just wished I would die I would not try to ctb like now. So I guess I would say I was more passive suicidal when I was a child

 

[Cloud Busting]

I started experiencing passive suicidal ideation at 13.

19 I remember testing out ways I could do it for the first time

23 I genuinely considered it for the first time beyond wishing for it, but I didn't have a gun and was uncomfortable with other methods so I powered through.

27 was my first boycotted attempt

29 (this year) was my first serious suicide attempt beyond a gesture. I was lucky enough to not experience permanent damage.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Similar to you. Aged 10. I was mourning 3 close family members who had died by then. But the main reason back then was being around a (suspected) narcissist. My life felt like hell. My situation changed as I grew older but the thoughts never left. They just varied in intensity according to how difficult I found my life. I firmly feel that- once we have had these thoughts and accepted suicide as a viable solution- it is always there. I reckon you have to have found something truly valuable in living to want to put in the effort to get you over all the previous crap. Otherwise, what's the motivation?

 

[Life_and_Death]

14.
idk why or how normal it is (maybe its because i have bpd), but i feel like i skipped the depression stage and just went straight to "nope, just kill me"

 

[tinyghost]

when i was 7 or 8 i started wanting to burn down my house with my abusive parents and myself inside. i guess thats when it started.

 

[ripberman]

Around the same age as you, and many of us here, apparently—10, 11.

Child abuse/trauma seems to be the common thread in these narratives. There must be something uniquely destructive about living in fear as a child, before your brain has had a chance to develop.

Like many here, I am no longer subject to my narcissistic father's control and abuse, but the thoughts and feelings he planted in my brain persist. As a result, the suicidal thoughts have never subsided.

 

[CPY]

At 14 my issues manifested for the first time, after a long dormant phase they reemerged at 19 and kept worsening until at 20 i started thinking about ctb. I discovered this forum at 21 but lurked until now

 

[F@#$]

I can't give an exact date. It's been 30 years I'll bet

 

[casual_existence]

Around the same age as you, and many of us here, apparently—10, 11.

Child abuse/trauma seems to be the common thread in these narratives. There must be something uniquely destructive about living in fear as a child, before your brain has had a chance to develop.

Like many here, I am no longer subject to my narcissistic father's control and abuse, but the thoughts and feelings he planted in my brain persist. As a result, the suicidal thoughts have never subsided.

Ugh same.

 

[PA𝖨𝑁]

6-7 years old , was like 7 at my first and only attempt

 

[Flameboyant]

Same as others i wanted to die from the age of 10. Only alive today 21 years later as a promise to Mom. Somedays i feel like breaking it badly.

 

[Pg.964]

Around 14 although I've had undiagnosed mental problems since 10. Much respect to all who have kept living despite decades of agony

 

[person357]

18 - I was enlisted to a mandatory army service but had no motivation whatsoever to serve. Was thinking about offing myself with my service rifle.
19 - Started having passive suicidal ideations every day after work.
These days, aged 35, I've actually tried several times.

 

[Agon321]

It's very difficult for me to tell. I think that around the age of 15 the disease became serious. It was already bad before, of course, but the peak was around 15. I currently have 20 and I don't plan to have more :)

 

[StaticCryBabye]

I started experiencing depression around the age of 9 or 10. My parents were extremely abusive, and still is. We were very poor too. Around the age of 12, I made my first attempt to kill myself, the method was to stab myself, but I didn't really went with it since i figured it would be extremely painful. Around the ages of 13 to 14, I realized that life wouldn't really get better nor was it gonna be fun, especially since realized i would soon have to earn my own money, all this time i was really paranoid on being an adult, this is when i completely understand life is such a fucked up thing that has ever happened to me. Between the ages of 15 and 16, I started giving up entirely, i distance myself from others and and just gave up to have fun or engage in anything, i also started giving up on making friends, which is a thing that i still regret so much to this day. This made me so awkward and had tons of anxiety to talk to people, and also it pretty much crippled my social skills. By the ages of 17 to 18, I dropped out of school and started working for myself, hoping to earn enough money to live alone, buy myself a place and finally leave my parents behind. Looking back this was such a dumb decision that i did, I kept working so hard, just to not even get close to owning a place. I was stuck at renting, and as time flew by, I never really earned enough money to buy myself a place because I kept spending it on rent, food, and basic necessities. Eventually, it made it impossible to buy a place or even leave a space for me to earn money, so in the end i had to go back and live with my parents. At 19 to 20, Im here writing this walking late at night tearing up knowing full well that my sad ass would die alone and never get to experience the fun things in life. At this point i seriously just don't care anymore having that forever sleep seems more appealing than having to stay here any longer.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I know that I've never really wished to exist, even when I was very young the thought of no longer existing comforted me. In my case wanting to die is all that makes sense as after all existence is completely undesirable, I'd much rather be at peace for all eternity than have the ability to suffer in this futile and cruel existence, for me the true problem lies in existence itself, I only wish for nothingness.

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I've always been mentally ill but it started getting really bad when I was 10. I started having suicidal thoughts around that age as well. I started sh at 12 and I attempted at around 15. I've attempted many times this year as well but something goes wrong every time.

I'm 22 now and nothing has changed, it just keeps getting worse.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I reckon you have to have found something truly valuable in living to want to put in the effort to get you over all the previous crap. Otherwise, what's the motivation?

I don't agree. I changed my mind after realizing all the reasons I thought I deserved to die were totally wrong. I wasn't thinking clearly whatsoever. It was that simple.

There's no grand purpose in life to me, but it's the only life I'll ever live. I don't want to waste it because I decided it was too much for me to bare. Live out of spite basically

If that counts as value, well…

 

[f1f7y8yoL053r]

30 years ago when I was 28.

 

[FrostedHoax]

About 4 years ago was when the thoughts started to really crop up but it wasn't until around 1-2 years ago that I started to seriously think about making a plan and actually going through with it.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I had couple of moments throughout my life when I had ideations but it would come and go away quickly. That was going since I was 15.
More than 10 years later I found myself in truly suicidal state. It's been almost a year and it doesn't stop.

 

[NoEpoh27]

To be honest I'm not really sure I had depression since I was 11 so I guess I wanted to die then but it wasn't as strong as now. I just wished I would die I would not try to ctb like now. So I guess I would say I was more passive suicidal when I was a child

At age 9. I'm 27 now. The thoughts started because I was terrified that I would grow up to be a teenager & I would kms. Idk why but at 9 years old I was terrified of losing control of myself and taking my life. Now it's become something I think about every single day. I know the thoughts aren't going away & they're so distressing to me that I just want to get it over with and be done.

 

[mrelief82]

At 38 due to hypnosis, then after my ex thrown me away from Scotland and recently more because my head is messed up.

 

[LeWantsToDie]

I was suicidal at 10, made my first attempt at 13 or so

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Throughout my life it was always clear that suicide can be an option for me if the circumstances require this. However I was lucky that my life circumstances were good and I did not have to consider suicide for most of my life, passive suicidal (on and off) since my early 40's and active suicidal with method being ready since last May.

 

[FRUSTRATED MIND]

I started being suicidal when I was 19 years old in 2016.

 

[MarsProxy]

I've had passive suicidal thoughts originally in high school. Originally wanted to join the military and die in combat so my dad could be proud. I got disinterested in that idea pretty quickly due to many reasons, which I'm glad I did. I met my partner my final year of high school and that immediately stopped those thoughts because I was madly in love. Now, what I can only describe as the fastest 10 years of my life learning all about him and loving each other, he committed suicide. My world is now turned up on its' end and the only thoughts in my head that aren't about him are about not wanting to be alive. Still mostly passive thoughts because I'm scared to die, but I hate being without him.

 

[ADeadBunny]

Sometime between 8 and 11? Idk whenever puberty kicked in. I remember when I was really young I would try to see how much pain I could handle which was just an early form of sh. When I was like 12 or 13 I tried hanging, but I couldn't find the sweet spot. I've tried sleeping pills with my head in a bag and I just tore the bag off when I was around 14-16. I've tried to shoot myself, but SI kicked in tried several times since I got my handgun around 19. Now I've settled on inert gas, so we'll see what happens with that I guess.

At first you don't succeed try and try again right?

 

[TorturedEnough]

Been suicidal on and off since 2015 but mostly in recent years.

 

[to fall to winter]

I've been suicidal ever since I was conscious. I really don't know why. I've found notes from when I was first learning to write that said what you can imagine a toddler's version of a suicide note to be. I would write that I wanted to be put in jail forever because I hadn't properly been introduced to the concept of death, and I guess that was the closest equivalent I could come up with at the time.