When did you realize you can never be happy alive?

[MiMif]

I came to the realization recently that there's no possible way I can ever achieve happiness alive. I hate how other people make me feel when I'm around them...however at the same time when I'm alone I get lonely. I have so many things I want to do...however I can't muster up the energy to ever do it and even when I do do it it doesn't bring me the happiness I wanted. And when I don't do it I feel pathetic.

It's truly impossible for me to ever be happy alive. Every night I stare blankly at my ceiling all of my regrets coming to me...it sucks and is unbearable.

 

[iusedtobehappy]

I can relate.

Early this morning is one of a million examples. I couldn't sleep as usual and turned on Britain's Got Talent on YT. Innocent enough you would think. But my husband and I watched AI every week and it was a regular thing for us. So this is C&P of text I sent this morning. Our kitty's name is redacted.

"See we watched the singing shows that was one of our things every single week AI and he would get so excited
One time cable was down and he was on phone talking to cable ppl to get it back up and I actually thought he was going to cry
He loved to rewind and rewatch and talk about it and it was like an event
Night before he died we shared a Safeway sandwich and Tim's chips and watched it
We didn't cook because we were going to lake house next day
I come home next night and he's dead and I see the 1/2 bag of Tim's chips
I never watched AI again till a few years later and started watching with T** and it became our thing our event
I put his food out and got a snack and he sat next to me and we watched and he was helping me try to heal and it was healing him
So I watched this morning thinking it's singing that will be relaxing and help me to sleep and all that came crashing in and I was crying more like bawling my eyes out
Other than the rest of the lives part, that next day we said we would get T** all settled with his food and box and run around to burn off some of his crazy energy then go F like rabbits but I was on phone with organ donor ppl instead"

In short, I'm haunted. With our kitty with me who is actually my lifeline and my coping mechanism for all that, I was hanging in. Now I just need to die. I don't want to live haunted

 

[bed]

i wouldnt say never for me but when chronic pain took over my life. it has sucked the life out of me and i can barely enjoy anything that i used to and even then it's hard. people tell me i just need to accept it to be happy but i honestly dont know how to accept that ill be in physical pain for the rest of my life. it makes it a lot harder when people are dismissive of my health as well.
maybe one day ill accept and be happy but i highly doubt it. even before chronic pain stole everything i was still depressed and suicidal.

 

[divinemistress36]

i wouldnt say never for me but when chronic pain took over my life. it has sucked the life out of me and i can barely enjoy anything that i used to and even then it's hard. people tell me i just need to accept it to be happy but i honestly dont know how to accept that ill be in physical pain for the rest of my life. it makes it a lot harder when people are dismissive of my health as well.
maybe one day ill accept and be happy but i highly doubt it. even before chronic pain stole everything i was still depressed and suicidal.

Me too. The only thing that helped my pain was craniosacral therapy

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't even believe in the idea of happiness, I see the idea of it as a delusion, to me any so called "hope" or "happiness" are just delusions to inevitably lead to more suffering, I have awareness of how to exist is something so incredibly hopeless and no matter what I'll see it as better to die.

Existence itself was never a desirable state in the first place and it's tragic how the peace of non-existence was disturbed by the horrific tragedy that is existence. All that existence ever does is cause unnecessary suffering, torment and harm, it's something so harmful and burdensome to impose existence in the first place, I just wish humans were compassionate enough to not procreate.

But to me the whole idea of "happiness" is just insane in this reality where there is no limit as to how much one can be tormented, it disturbs me how in existence there is unlimited potential for pain and suffering, I don't see any value in pointlessly decaying from age, it terrifies me how a human can potentially exist for so long.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

When I realised just how hard and exhausting life truly is