When did you realize that you were going to ctb?

[HopeIsLost]

I started having these thoughts in early 2019 but I came to the decision that I was going to ctb in 2020. I was supposed to do it last year but ended up getting delayed and I kept having second thoughts about it. But this year I've come to the full conclusion that my life just won't get any better. I will ctb this summer and I'm currently preparing for then by getting rid of stuff and deciding on whether or not I should make a note and other stuff similar to that. But overall I'm really just looking back on my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've honestly been depressed a lot of my life, but I think the last couple of years I have experienced health problems and had bad luck and I've realised that life just simply isn't for me. I lack the will to live. I think then I knew that I would ctb at some point in my life. I hate the idea of living until I am old and I just see life as pointless anyway as we are just waiting around for death. The thought of death comforts me and I see it as freedom from a life I never asked for.

 

[Hurt]

Since I was disappointed by life. I am unlucky and I don't want to know anything related to being alive.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

Me last year too. I only started university last year as well, I had this reasonable hunch that I'll fuck things up since I really loathe my major. Was supposed to ctb last year even but being inexperienced made it too clunky, that and I somehow managed to get a decent score so I wasn't in a hurry to ctb in the end. If I am being honest, I still feel like it's clunky even though I know much more now. But now, considering how shitty this semester has gotten, I am living on borrowed time. I should ctb with dignity before I fail. If only I could look into the future and know whether it'll work like I'm imagining it to.

 

[noname223]

Lol i wanted to make a similar thread.
I thought about killing myself when I was 15. I thought it may end with suicide. I always told me if my life plans fail I gonna ctb. When I was 18 i had my first severe crisis. My suicidal thoughts became more serious but I also had the wish my life could go on. It was the first time everything became so nightmarish.
After my second severe crisis (3 years ago) my life is ruined. I will never be able to work. My psychosomatic pain probably returns oneday and the reasons to live on will become less. My future prospects are horrible and the indications for suicide increases.
It is a weird feeling to know it probably end by ctb. Often I am very desperate but sometimes I can accept it better.

 

[Life_and_Death]

this is a difficult question to answer.
as a suicide answer. i was 14 so 8 years ago apparently holy shit!
the life choice answer is recently. i decided that at some point in my life im going to ctb no matter what. its an 'avoiding life declining' decision, i have enough health problems now, im not doing the whole bedridden, people taking care of me thing

 

[lanax09]

I first became suicidal when I was 11 but honestly I didn't think I had it in me to do it until around a month and a half ago when I read the pph.
Interestingly though, when I was 8 or 9 my mother screamed at me until I cried for getting a question wrong (I didn't, she was wrong) while she was making me study and I started thinking how unfair she was to me and I suddenly had this feeling that I was going to kill myself later on in life.

 

[LooksAtMoonDog]

When I was in my mid-30s I did some volunteer work that brought me into contact with elderly people with dementia and other age-related degenerative disorders. When I saw the horrible pain and suffering that the medical establishment allowed them to endure it made me very, very angry because I was helpless to do anything for them, it also made me very damn sure I would never allow that to happen to me.

 

[WornOutLife]

When I was 12 and realized I would have to spend 6 years with my goddamn classmates in a "prison" from Monday to Friday.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

When I was 12 was the first time I started considering it (had a really stupid failed attempt at 13 that no one ever found out about), but around september 2020 is when I really started getting serious about it.

 

[NoMoreMorbidity]

I was 10 when I first attempted suicide. When I was 15 I hanged myself, ended up in a medically induced coma for 5 days.
My life has pretty much been complete torture since I was 10. There was one good year in college, that's about all the good.
My life fell apart again. I hope I can CTB sooner than later.

 

[motel rooms]

When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand

 

[ClownMe]

I've been depressed since I was about 12, but I've started having really bad suicidal thoughts the last couple of months.

 

[signifying nothing]

If and when I ctb doesn't feel like my decision to make. My life and future are so dependent on external factors that I've given up on trying to do anything with regards planning or even a specific method. The only thing I feel certain of is that thoughts about self harm and suicide remain strongly and centrally on my mind.

 

[russlinjimmies]

I first seriously considered it at age 16. Some time in my early 20s I decided that I wouldn't let myself reach old age; I'd CTB first. To me that meant no older than 60. Closing in on 40 I'm convinced I won't allow myself to get that far. Not sure I'll even let 40 come now. So something else can do it first and I won't mind, but I've known for a long time that I'd CTB if nature or random chance didn't take care of it in time.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

When I was in my mid-30s I did some volunteer work that brought me into contact with elderly people with dementia and other age-related degenerative disorders. When I saw the horrible pain and suffering that the medical establishment allowed them to endure it made me very, very angry because I was helpless to do anything for them, it also made me very damn sure I would never allow that to happen to me.

It's so crazy that we don't allow these poor people to end their lives. We force them to Endure years of pointless torment. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything but this particular concept actually stirs A tiny bit of rage and allows me to imagine myself crusading to allow these old people to end their lives with dignity. Plus think of all the money that's wasted on Keeping them alive (if they don't want to be.)