Venting When did you give up on life?

[_Minsk]

I have been thinking back about my life decisions the last couple of days, i see I've been lying to myself on a daily basis. At some point in my teenage years, i did encounter my first health issues and my extreme reaction to it. I got over it but since then i was terrified, some time later i encountered more health issues and went straight into despair. From there on i dedicated my time to finding solutions and i got behind everyone in terms of career an success. I couldn't live with my broken health any longer, i felt so much in pain an became depressed, ive lost many friends and hobbies.
I haven't fully given up at that time but i slowly started to because i felt doomed and unable to resolve anything.
Sorry for the long text. When did you give up on life and what was your reason/s?

 

[Heartattackpending]

To my credit, I think I realized very early on that things were going to be bad. Maybe, 5 or 6. Didn't think about what I should do about it until later though.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

In July. Probably happened within a half hour period. I did the math. I realized it wasn't gonna work out.

 

[Zzzzz]

Several years ago I decided life is not worth the trouble, I just haven't been able to overcome SI yet.

 

[StevieNixs]

July 2021. I was edging that way throughout 2021 but was finally pushed to the edge of my tolerance in July,

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

At 18, when I could no longer ignore where my life was headed. All the problems and health issues caught up with me and chained me to a rock that keeps getting bigger no mattered what. All the while I looked ahead and saw a hopelessly lonely and troubled path of adulthood.

 

[GentleJerk]

The way I see it- I never really gave up on life. Rather, I have given up on suffering and not being able recover.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

The way I see it- I never really gave up on life. Rather, I have given up on suffering and not being able recover.

Amen to that.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

September 29th, 2020. Just a little over a year ago. The story as to why has been told here before and I don't feel like going into it at the moment.

 

[Lotus]

In 2017. Every day has been a battle since then. I want to turn it all off.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

In 2017. Every day has been a battle since then. I want to turn it all off.

Fuck that's long for a nightmare. I send love. Please hang on or go peacefully. Whatever your decision is.

 

[little helpers]

I thought pretty hard 'bout this, for real. now I'm gonna surprise everyone here. I don't think I gave up on life ever.

sounds like utter BS when I'm on a suicide forum, huh? like, this is how you explain that entire row of suicide attempts over there, little helpers?

yeah. it is. my very own lust for life turned its fucking head on me. I fight my way out of shit when there's just the slightest chance. my years in activism shaped this entire mentality I have. but now there's no way out. none. I can't grab myself some mentality when there's no material support. and I fight my hardest to give myself an out, through death.

pretty sure I'm the odd one out here.

 

[Somber]

In reality a long time ago, but never for lack of wanting to be alive.

I don't think most people on here would rather be dead than alive, but they come to the conclusions that due to issues (physical, mental, other) the chances to achieve that life has become so preposterously small that CTB is preferred over continued suffering.

[...] I can't grab myself some mentality when there's no material support. and I fight my hardest to give myself an out, through death.

pretty sure I'm the odd one out here.

What do you mean with that sentence about material support and mentality?

 

[little helpers]

In reality a long time ago, but never for lack of wanting to be alive.

I don't think most people on here would rather be dead than alive, but they come to the conclusions that due to issues (physical, mental, other) the chances to achieve that life has become so preposterously small that CTB is preferred over continued suffering.



What do you mean with that sentence about material support and mentality?

woah. really appreciate this. thank you for opening up a conversation.

I'll try to explain the best that I can. basically I'm a living version of Layne Staley rn, if you get what I mean. the last couple years before his death. trauma, MH, addiction, dropped out of college and unemployed. so it's pretty much going back to the same abusive environment, or to a different traumatizing environment. in other words, family house or the streets. I gave the streets a good thought before choosing having shelter over it. it's prolly unbelievable when I say this, but since then I been literally detained at this place. by my mom. I'm an adult, true, but the only other option is homelessness. I'm just using myself to death now. lost contact with almost all my support people irl, no trying again with the subs program, everything. just becuz of this *one* motherfucking abusive control freak that I can't change. sigh. Idk if it makes sense at all. shit's too convoluted. how I got to this place and stuff.

but yeah, I really appreciate your concern. it's just the conditions I'm living in and will have to live under in the future.

 

[Dragon's Heart]

I think it was around the time my family started disintegrating and dying off. I have family members out there, but I can't feel them. When my father died (he was first, before my mother) is when I think I finally lost all hope. I remember thinking "Well since he's gone, I guess I can go too now." It's as if my existence is dependent on other people. The quote "to be is to be perceived" has more dimension to it than I think the author had in mind.

 

[Crazy4u]

In May 2021. I started feeling it last year but wasn't 100% sure. May 2021 is when I started looking into suicide methods and plans.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive. I have never really lived, just existed. For me, you could say that there was nothing to give up on. My existence has always been pointless and empty, I have never had any goals or aspirations, I have never seen a future for myself. Since I was a young age, I have wanted to die and there has never been anything here for me in this world. I see existence as being suffering and I want nothing to do with this world. I would rather just be at peace.

 

[t-rex]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive. I have never really lived, just existed. For me, you could say that there was nothing to give up on. My existence has always been pointless and empty, I have never had any goals or aspirations, I have never seen a future for myself. Since I was a young age, I have wanted to die and there has never been anything here for me in this world. I see existence as being suffering and I want nothing to do with this world. I would rather just be at peace.

I can really relate to this, in particular the having of no goals and aspirations. There is simply nothing that drives me, and I've been in this passive-lump-of-cells state for years. I just don't care about anything. Then there's the shame of not caring about anything when rationally I know there are plenty of things in the world worth caring about. ("Wow, I must be a lazy, callous person.")

How does one continue living when there's no drive towards anything at all? I feel like Tolstoy, who experienced an existential crisis at age 50, who said he forgot "how to live" or "what to do". Every day I wake up to a blank canvas—and no desire to do anything at all with it. How does one go on? It's getting harder. Maybe ECT can help.

 

[mistvissione11e]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive. I have never really lived, just existed. For me, you could say that there was nothing to give up on. My existence has always been pointless and empty, I have never had any goals or aspirations, I have never seen a future for myself. Since I was a young age, I have wanted to die and there has never been anything here for me in this world. I see existence as being suffering and I want nothing to do with this world. I would rather just be at peace.

I agree, when i was a small tiny child, i had found that there was nothing fulfilling for my to obtain in this life, i was not interested in anything. I though this was a problem at first and tried to "create" an ideal life that fit in with society. I had hoped i would die in my tweens or early teens, but here i am.

 

[eternalpeace]

June 2019. Two failed attempts later and I'm still alive, but I might as well be dead. I rarely leave the house and I feel like I've been in a coma for the last two and a half years. I know time has gone by, but I couldn't tell you what I did with it.

 

[som1]

when i realised who i really am

 

[Silenos]

September 14, 2020

 

[Nightmare Painting]

I've known since I was around 11 that suicide was inevitable for me but I think after I graduated from high school that I completely gave up. My entire life up to that point had been nothing but suffering, numbness, and indifference or abuse from everyone around me with things getting progressively worse with every passing year since I couldn't even help myself.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I guess I was treading water all this time. Something cracked in me when I turned 30.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

If I'm honest, I haven't given up yet, which is probably why I've had two failed attempts. I still have fantasies of my life turning around. I'd still prefer to be dead, but because I have family members to care for, I feel like I'm not allowed to give up quite yet.