Discussion When did the CTB thoughts start to roll in?

[LucifersIntrovert]

As for me it started in 6th grade. All the way up until present day (Freshman in college). My father always had school above everything else so I was never really worried about my mental health as I saw it as a "myth" persay. Like I thought CTB thoughts were normal (and I still think they are normal even though therapist tell me otherwise). But that kinda started my decline into those thoughts and into SH and rehab (which doesn't work in my opinion granted only stayed 4 months). But after school it was just a steady decline into my parents slowly putting my effort into my brother as I wasn't the brightest in school and was always fucked up in the head according to them.

 

[Death is my goal]

when i was like 14

 

[depresso.espresso]

I've had them since I was 11. I'm 23 now and still the same. Always in the back of my mind

 

[SkylineWashout]

11 for me too and I'm 24 now; something that's been recently depressing me is that I've felt this way for the majority of my life now.

 

[fwompie]

I've always fantasized and been fascinated by death from a young age but my first thought and attempt was when I was 14. Unfortunately it wasn't a teenage phase and now ten years later it's always in the back of my mind even when I'm not actively suicidal.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

When I was 12.

 

[treetop.grazer]

About 3 years ago for me, I'm in my late 40s now and a perfect storm of midlife crisis, kids leaving home for uni and income dropping massively made me try my first (obv failed) attempt. Things haven't really got any better mentally so I'm still trying to find the perfect method that looks accidental.

 

[アホペンギン]

I've had these thoughts since I was 8, but I have had the concept of death at the back of my mind for many years prior to that but I was too naive to be aware of the fact that death couldn't only happen due to old age or illnesses, people could do it to themselves. Thats what I figured out when I started to have suicidal thoughts. Now, I can't even go 10 minutes without thinking about suicide, its always in my mind and it'll always be my goal.

It has been nearly over a decade since I started thinking about suicide, its sad that I couldn't get any help..

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I've never really wished to exist, I've only ever wished for the true relief of eternal sleep and even when I was very young only death comforted me, my wish to die is just a result of being aware, it's all that feels right for me, I just see wanting to die as being a logical response to being trapped in this cruel and meaningless existence.

 

[dwtsleepy123]

I can't remember my exact age probably around 10-11, i just remember i used to have a really strong desire to not want to exist and i used to pray that my pain would stop. eventually my thoughts developed into thinking about suicide as probably the only option

 

[Pizarnikishere]

When I was 12

 

[cardboard_house]

For me, it started when I was about 10 or 11. It was at a time when a lot was going wrong, and all I wanted to do was disappear. My cat had died that summer, and I was questioning my identity. I didn't know who I was. I was also having a difficult time with my parents.

The only reason I never ctb'ed was because of my cat. I felt too guilty leaving her alone on this earth. Now, that's gone too. She died a few days ago.

 

[The Burning Fool]

I remember thinking about being close to death (in free fall) even at the age of 9. I guess that's as far as my imagination could go at that time. Basically I've always had suicidal ideation from the moment my mind had become developed enough.

 

[Sheepgobaa]

The first time I genuinely considered it I think I was like 12 and around the same time it's when I realised it's really my only option. I was always scared of death mainly because it just kinda comes out of nowhere when you aren't ready for it while with suicide I can control when I die and I can prepare accordingly so knowing suicide was an option would always bring me some sort of comfort.

 

[derpyderpins]

12 years old, which seems similar to a lot in this thread if even later. I think back on it a lot. Why was I that way? I was so angry, scared, and hopeless. There was no comfort. On one hand, a child shouldn't have to feel that way. On the other, I had every opportunity and benefit you can quantify but was still unable to function properly. I couldn't be content with what I had.

It's sad to think about . . . so many knew this life wasn't it so early on. Of course, I'm in my 30's now . . . can't say it would've been a mistake but there have been positives in my life as well.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

highschool

 

[strawb12]

thoughts started around when I was 11 but I didn't seriously consider it till I was almost 13. I didn't have any reliable & peaceful methods at the time though & I really didn't want to attempt & fail. Once I hit 16 though I had access to SN & all that good stuff so I attempted but was saved unfortunately due to bad luck. Now I'm 18 & planning to try again relatively soon. I'm definitely not making it to 20 at least.

 

[MiMif]

I'm not sure. I was curious about suicide as a child and fascinated with knives but I couldn't bring myself to hurt myself. I started in middle school/highschool can't really remember. And my parents (my dad to be exact) were belittling me and cursing at me and calling me names and throwing stuff and hitting me and all that. And I kinda took my head out of the situation and I wanted to die. I think my dad threw a plate and as I cleaned it up I picked a piece of glass off the floor. Later I just cut myself. I actually listened to a rock song and every beat like playing the guitar I cut myself with the glass and cut myself to the beat of the music. Then I moved on to knives.....I don't know but I feel it was even before that I felt like dying in elementary school as I was kinda an outcast cause I was wierd. But I really dont remember
I'm not sure. I was curious about suicide as a child and fascinated with knives but I couldn't bring myself to hurt myself. I started in middle school/highschool can't really remember. And my parents (my dad to be exact) were belittling me and cursing at me and calling me names and throwing stuff and hitting me and all that. And I kinda took my head out of the situation and I wanted to die. I think my dad threw a plate and as I cleaned it up I picked a piece of glass off the floor. Later I just cut myself. I actually listened to a rock song and every beat like playing the guitar I cut myself with the glass and cut myself to the beat of the music. Then I moved on to knives.....I don't know but I feel it was even before that I felt like dying in elementary school as I was kinda an outcast cause I was wierd. But I really dont remember

 

[pfuxx1]

Been wanting to do it forever. First time i slashed myself was in elementary school. BPD and social anxiety always plagued me. Always had fucked up thoughts. As i got older i got into drugs, mainly xanax and mdma. Its the only reason im still here but atp its getting old and i just want permanent relief from this shit.

 

[passivethought121]

11 or 12. It is always there, but it comes in waves of frequency. I remember that age was where I had my first long-term episode of distress because I couldn't CTB.

 

[SolomonKado]

It started when I finally had my last straw and couldn't believe "things can get better" anymore.

It's been a hurricane of a painful life. Pain set in when I was 6 years old and just continued. I've spent my whole life training my SI to survive what came my way by the traumatic and painful things that kept coming my way. Military definitely made it stronger and worse with PTSD.

I've always wondered why some just had thoughts of CTB when it took me 43 years and a whole life of one of the worst lives a person could ask for to finally start thinking about it. No judgement at all that's for sure. I know some kids grew up in terribly physically abuse homes along with others being taken advantage of sexually by family members. I now believe, for certain, after so many years already putting so much time in that my life refuses to get better…

Doesn't matter anymore anyways…just have to finish this before the next painful thing comes and I already know its coming…

 

[maidens]

probably around when I was 7-8 ?

 

[mornings of nausea]

I'm sorry your mental health has been neglected for so long, it's horrible to hear that school has been prioritized over your wellbeing. you are worth so much more than your performance in school.

for as long as I can remember I've wished that I could "disappear", but I didn't develop the desire to end my own life until I was 9, when I first learned it was possible.

 

[legend]

Same, something like 11 or 12.

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I was 10. I'm finding this interesting though. I wonder how many pro-lifers realise how many people who kill themselves as adults were suicidal as children. I don't think it's uncommon for people to have ideation for years- even decades.