When did it start to feel inevitable for you

[Mbound]

I've always had depression and absolutely debilitating health issues so ctb is something I've always thought about in the most hypothetical, distant way possible but the last year has really brought things into focus for me. I reached a state some time over the last year where I realized that the effort it would take to maybe regain my health--the absolute misery I would have to endure for unknown periods of time-- isn't even worth what comes after. Everything basically declined after this slow realization. I stopped caring about almost anything.

Working has been good for me in that it forces me to be social and I think actually was helping my state of mind for a while...but being around a bunch of other young people who are normal and have fun and can do all the shit normal, young people who like to have fun can do has been inching me closer and closer. And after I looked around and realized how completely alone I am, how many failures I've had in the past and how much work it would take for just a chance to feel better...that's when it became clear that there's only one way out. The dichotomy between what I've been able to play off my life as being like and what it actually is like makes me incredibly ashamed. I really think a person only has so many failures in them. What's crazy is that longing for a different life--something I used to do on a daily basis--is almost gone at this point. When I look around me I don't think "that could be me if I just did x, y, and z," or even wish it were me, it's almost like trying to imagine being a different species of animal or something. It's a ridiculous fantasy.

Did you have a certain inciting incident (a straw that broke the camel's back) or was it a slow series of realizations/events that made you decide on it? Forgive me if this isn't super coherent. My memory is absolutely destroyed and I'm finding it harder and harder to express myself cogently. I used to be a pretty good writer. sigh

 

[Apostle]

I've had a disinterest in my own life, a feeling of detachment from everyone and everything around me, a lack of motivation to do anything, self-hatred, many unhealthy habits, and a general unhappiness, for a long time. These things have a history of putting suicide in the back of my mind as a consideration.

But the final straw for me was losing the last of my friends, and horribly squandering my one impossibly lucky shot at a proper career (doing all kinds of irreversible damage to others and myself in the process). After that, I have absolutely zero will to live, to this day.

 

[Mbound]

I've had a disinterest in my own life, a feeling of detachment from everyone and everything around me, a lack of motivation to do anything, self-hatred, many unhealthy habits, and a general unhappiness, for a long time. These things have a history of putting suicide in the back of my mind as a consideration.

But the final straw for me was losing the last of my friends, and horribly squandering my one impossibly lucky shot at a proper career (doing all kinds of irreversible damage to others and myself in the process). After that, I have absolutely zero will to live, to this day.

This is highly relatable. i've had that detached feeling as long as I can remember, pre-k or earlier. I remember walking around my school all through elementary school feeling like a damn ghost.

I think if I had a good social circle things may be a lot different for me. I have friends but not a ton and most don't live that close.

 

[Mart]

Inevitability started setting in about a year ago. My life was going in a better direction and I still hated living it. I lied to myself and tried to find reasons not too for the entire year. Only recently has the acceptance set in. I want a life that doesn't want me. I know I need to give up.

 

[Taylor]

My life went from being on top of the world, to the most isolated, horrific nightmare you can possibly imagine, and the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when I developed my miserable bowel condition that I've been suffering from for two years now, on top of everything else. I know exactly what you mean, looking at other healthy "normal" people, and feeling like some alien who doesn't even belong here anymore. This is my full story if you're interested: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/introduce-yourself.3952/page-9

 

[Apostle]

This is highly relatable. i've had that detached feeling as long as I can remember, pre-k or earlier. I remember walking around my school all through elementary school feeling like a damn ghost.

I think if I had a good social circle things may be a lot different for me. I have friends but not a ton and most don't live that close.

Describes my school life perfectly, plus all of the social events and time I've spent with family. I just don't have the "social animal" nature that humans are supposed to have, and whenever I've tried to fight that, life just punishes me even more for it.

 

[Mbound]

Describes my school life perfectly, plus all of the social events and time I've spent with family. I just don't have the "social animal" nature that humans are supposed to have, and whenever I've tried to fight that, life just punishes me even more for it.

It's interesting because there's a part of me that can actually be pretty charming and sociable-- my job is very social and...usually I do pretty okay with it. But it's all very surface level. When it actually comes down to it, I don't know how to initiate friendships in this seemingly carefree way everyone else does. Almost all of my friends are people I've known since childhood. I am too weird and hard to relate to in so many ways for most people, if they actually really got to know me. And sometimes I crack even at smalltalk, I just don't know what to say because it often doesn't feel like anything's worth saying. It amuses me when people hit on me honestly and the assumptions they make in the process. Like, if you only knew, buddy, you'd spin right on your heel. lol.

 

[JadedGray]

I feel now that it was probably inevitable the moment I was born. Other than that I would say when I was 13 years old and developed one medical condition after another that made it impossible to function anymore or attempt to make a life for myself. I was barely getting by as is, but once puberty hit that was the end for me physically and emotionally. I only wish I had ended it then, instead I held on to false hope that things would miraculously turn around after high school, but instead everything just got worse.

 

[Mbound]

I feel now that it was probably inevitable the moment I was born. Other than that I would say when I was 13 years old and developed one medical condition after another that made it impossible to function anymore or attempt to make a life for myself. I was barely getting by as is, but once puberty hit that was the end for me physically and emotionally. I only wish I had ended it then, instead I held on to false hope that things would miraculously turn around after high school, but instead everything just got worse.

I could have written this myself. My medical conditions stole my life away and once puberty hit I was done. I too held onto this false hope of "one day when I'm better...."

 

[JadedGray]

I could have written this myself. My medical conditions stole my life away and once puberty hit I was done. I too held onto this false hope of "one day when I'm better...."

Sorry to hear it. For some puberty might as well be a curse that destroys your health and inevitably your life.

 

[Only Me Here]

I always knew from a young age as young as10, i tried but at that age you are dumb and think the doses on the side of otc drugs will work.. but ive gone long periods of being happy too and then completely nose diving again. My 20s were fantastic career, friends, no depression, hopes. I am nothing like i was even 6 montgs ago everyone would be shocked if they knew i never leave my house. I basically closed the front door one day in december and a flip switched in me and i really never left again. It was like the straw that finally broke and i realized this time im done, this time im not getting back up, i always said i wouldnt if i even had one sliver of hope so i kept going. But now i know i have exahusted every route, have lived a full life and its time to go. My membership was approved yest and ive already reached out to A, waiting for a response. My original thought was charcoal cause I live alone and have a place and a car. The threads here have worried me though about the side effects. Also having joined this week reading the final msgs from the 3 people who didnt come back this week (davy, justoverit,toenditall) left me with an odd feeling. Like how can you feel so much sadness for strangers and want to make them stay but cant do it yourself? This site has made me more scared yet relieved if that makes sense.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I started having these feelings around age 14 and middle school and high school were terrible. From 18-22 I was feeling pretty good and I had a promising future ahead of me. But at 22 I ruined my life with one mistake. Since then the past 5 years have been nothing but a downward spiral and I now have chronic pain and health issues on top of mental issues. Some things that happened last year and early this year really set it in stone and were pretty much the straw that broke the camels back and i realize that this is my fate and it's inevitable.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I've always had depression and absolutely debilitating health issues so ctb is something I've always thought about in the most hypothetical, distant way possible but the last year has really brought things into focus for me. I reached a state some time over the last year where I realized that the effort it would take to maybe regain my health--the absolute misery I would have to endure for unknown periods of time-- isn't even worth what comes after. Everything basically declined after this slow realization. I stopped caring about almost anything.

Working has been good for me in that it forces me to be social and I think actually was helping my state of mind for a while...but being around a bunch of other young people who are normal and have fun and can do all the shit normal, young people who like to have fun can do has been inching me closer and closer. And after I looked around and realized how completely alone I am, how many failures I've had in the past and how much work it would take for just a chance to feel better...that's when it became clear that there's only one way out. The dichotomy between what I've been able to play off my life as being like and what it actually is like makes me incredibly ashamed. I really think a person only has so many failures in them. What's crazy is that longing for a different life--something I used to do on a daily basis--is almost gone at this point. When I look around me I don't think "that could be me if I just did x, y, and z," or even wish it were me, it's almost like trying to imagine being a different species of animal or something. It's a ridiculous fantasy.

Did you have a certain inciting incident (a straw that broke the camel's back) or was it a slow series of realizations/events that made you decide on it? Forgive me if this isn't super coherent. My memory is absolutely destroyed and I'm finding it harder and harder to express myself cogently. I used to be a pretty good writer. sigh

When I met every goal I set for myself and didn't feel better, then set new ones and repeated that cycle until there were no more goals left and I still felt the fucking same.

 

[Mbound]

When I met every goal I set for myself and didn't feel better, then set new ones and repeated that cycle until there were no more goals left and I still felt the fucking same.

God, this is some real shit. My promise to myself is if I'm not able to reach my biggest goal by my next birthday (and feel significant relief from it) I'm ctb'ing. I honestly think a huge part of why I haven't been able to pull my act together yet and reach this goal is because I'm worried about exactly what you're talking about, because I know that if that happened it would truly be the end of the line. But when I tell my family in my note I truly tried everything, I want that to be honest.

For a long time I thought being beautiful would solve all my problems, so I got plastic surgery. What a joke. I'm better looking but closer to death than ever. The cycle you described is heart-wrenching.

 

[cornflowerblue]

God, this is some real shit. My promise to myself is if I'm not able to reach my biggest goal by my next birthday (and feel significant relief from it) I'm ctb'ing. I honestly think a huge part of why I haven't been able to pull my act together yet and reach this goal is because I'm worried about exactly what you're talking about, because I know that if that happened it would truly be the end of the line. But when I tell my family in my note I truly tried everything, I want that to be honest.

For a long time I thought being beautiful would solve all my problems, so I got plastic surgery. What a joke. I'm better looking but closer to death than ever. The cycle you described is heart-wrenching.

I used to at least feel jealous and think that if I had somebody else's life I'd be happier. I don't think that anymore. I do hope that meeting your goal works for you though or even gives partial relief. The worst part of all this is how hard it is to really be heard, because as soon as you mention death people focus on that, instead of the mountains of other feelings you want to convey.!

God, this is some real shit. My promise to myself is if I'm not able to reach my biggest goal by my next birthday (and feel significant relief from it) I'm ctb'ing. I honestly think a huge part of why I haven't been able to pull my act together yet and reach this goal is because I'm worried about exactly what you're talking about, because I know that if that happened it would truly be the end of the line. But when I tell my family in my note I truly tried everything, I want that to be honest.

For a long time I thought being beautiful would solve all my problems, so I got plastic surgery. What a joke. I'm better looking but closer to death than ever. The cycle you described is heart-wrenching.

I feel the same about trying everything. I really have left no stone unturned. I don't know why I care so much but I at least want people to know that I tried. I don't want them to say "cornflowerblue just never tried yoga!! It didn't have to end like this!!"

 

[Only Me Here]

When I met every goal I set for myself and didn't feel better, then set new ones and repeated that cycle until there were no more goals left and I still felt the fucking same.

Agreed, when i ran from an abusive house at 17 with $50 i always dreamed of an amazing job, home, car, and it kept me going and motivated with each goal i hit. Well 20 years later i have all that, but i am completely Alone in this world. not a single family member, so none of this crap matters. Who needs vacations alone crying behind your sunglasses, cars whose backseats remain empty and a job that earns you money to go to an empty home you never want to enter? Goals that involve the freewill of other people cannot be bought, i cant buy someone to love me and i cant buy myself a family. All i can buy is the curtains that shut out a world i no longer want to see and buy some N and peace out!

 

[cornflowerblue]

Agreed, when i ran from an abusive house at 17 with $50 i always dreamed of an amazing job, home, car, and it kept me going and motivated with each goal i hit. Well 20 years later i have all that, but i am completely Alone in this world. not a single family member, so none of this crap matters. Who needs vacations alone crying behind your sunglasses, cars whose backseats remain empty and a job that earns you money to go to an empty home you never want to enter? Goals that involve the freewill of other people cannot be bought, i cant buy someone to love me and i cant buy myself a family. All i can buy is the curtains that shut out a world i no longer want to see and buy some N and peace out!

I'm not even alone but I am still lonely:( I'm loved, I have social support, there's nothing objectively bad about my life.

I'm very sorry to hear about your childhood and about how things are now. It's all so unfair.

 

[Only Me Here]

Yes, loneliness isnt about physical precense its about a connection, and is just as difficult. Im fine with it being unfair now that i have an out, if i had to live like that forever that would be unfair. And to be honest the stories i am hearing here, though different then mine make me think i am being ungrateful for the blessings i do have. But the simple thing is there are things we just cannot live without and only we know what those things are.

 

[Vegrau]

Simply doesnt see any reason to go on.

 

[spanishguy22]

I've always had depression and absolutely debilitating health issues so ctb is something I've always thought about in the most hypothetical, distant way possible but the last year has really brought things into focus for me. I reached a state some time over the last year where I realized that the effort it would take to maybe regain my health--the absolute misery I would have to endure for unknown periods of time-- isn't even worth what comes after. Everything basically declined after this slow realization. I stopped caring about almost anything.

Working has been good for me in that it forces me to be social and I think actually was helping my state of mind for a while...but being around a bunch of other young people who are normal and have fun and can do all the shit normal, young people who like to have fun can do has been inching me closer and closer. And after I looked around and realized how completely alone I am, how many failures I've had in the past and how much work it would take for just a chance to feel better...that's when it became clear that there's only one way out. The dichotomy between what I've been able to play off my life as being like and what it actually is like makes me incredibly ashamed. I really think a person only has so many failures in them. What's crazy is that longing for a different life--something I used to do on a daily basis--is almost gone at this point. When I look around me I don't think "that could be me if I just did x, y, and z," or even wish it were me, it's almost like trying to imagine being a different species of animal or something. It's a ridiculous fantasy.

Did you have a certain inciting incident (a straw that broke the camel's back) or was it a slow series of realizations/events that made you decide on it? Forgive me if this isn't super coherent. My memory is absolutely destroyed and I'm finding it harder and harder to express myself cogently. I used to be a pretty good writer. sigh

It was two months ago. I had my first mental breakdown two years ago, attempted clumsily suicide as it was all new to me, I was close to suffocating with a plastic bag I was handcuffed and everything but I never thought the feeling of no oxygen would be so bad and I could tore the bag open with my teeth so I survived. After that I just searched for cures to depression, until few months ago I refused to believe depression has no cure despite all science I read, I was in denial. I found I'm low in testosterone and vitamin d and made that my solution for depression. Supplementing them worked, to keep me foolishly in denial for a full year. Then I came off testosterone and had a mental breakdown again three months ago. I finally took off the veil and realized the past year hadn't fixed any of my anhedonia, I still didn't enjoy videogames or the things I was passionate before depression. I was just in a decent mood. I also looked at my family history plagued by depression and how they ended and I just knew I had no hope.
So now I wanna ctb asap but this time making sure it's only one attempt and I do it right

 

[tomz323]

"Inevitability" I guess its always seemed Inevitability for me. I always new something was wrong with me and my ability to connect with others. As well as a poor upbringing and continues series of bad life choices.

 

[AutumnEmbers]

Reality hit me like a ton of bricks back in November. Until then I had somehow managed to delude myself (in between my bouts of major depression) into believing that I would someday have a life worth living. That I would find a way to get better and turn my life around. That people would be understanding of my past and not judge me for having been a loser for the whole of my adult life. I now realise that this is all bullshit. I've never been strong enough to cope with life and I never will be. I'm not capable of achieving the things I need to in order to be content in life and I'll forever be alone because I'm far too ashamed to ever 'put myself out there'. Now that I've woken up to reality, I genuinely can't understand how I was able to delude myself for so long. It's like I was a different person.

 

[TAW122]

I'd say starting my teenage years, when I was in middle school and even early high school. Life has been the absolute worst for me, parents were abusive (particularly my dad, all in the name of bettering me for the future - which cost me my emotional/psychological health) and the bullying problem that basically compounded things. I'd say I'm pretty much fucked socially ever since high school, the gap just widens and it has come to a point where I will simply just never catch up, let alone excel. Then coupled with Aspergers and social problems then pretty much I'm fucked in that regard.

My life went from being on top of the world, to the most isolated, horrific nightmare you can possibly imagine, and the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when I developed my miserable bowel condition that I've been suffering from for two years now, on top of everything else. I know exactly what you mean, looking at other healthy "normal" people, and feeling like some alien who doesn't even belong here anymore. This is my full story if you're interested: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/introduce-yourself.3952/page-9

Ouch that really sucks and I've read your story in your other post. I can understand why you want to end it and I'd do the same if I was suffering chronically with little to no (realistic) prospects of recovery (to the extent that I want).