When did it begin

[HighOctane]

Pretty much as the title says.
What age did your suicidal/depression thoughts begin?
Do you remember what caused this thought?

I was about 13, I know it was family related but can't recall exactly what led me to grab a knife that day… since then it has been downhill for my mind

 

[The Burning Fool]

I've had suicidal ideation since my brain was able to conceptualize that ctb is an option. It was a process, breaking free from my own ignorance as a child, as well as from all taboos and ideals that were imposed on me by others. But I found the merciless torture of life and the annihilating power of death fascinating even at the age of 5.

 

[HighOctane]

I've had suicidal ideation since my brain was able to conceptualize that ctb is an option. It was a process, breaking free from my own ignorance as a child, as well as from all taboos and ideals that were imposed on me by others. But I found the merciless torture of life and the annihilating power of death fascinating even at the age of 5.

Sad that these thoughts can even creep up in a child's mind

 

[The Burning Fool]

Sad that these thoughts can even creep up in a child's mind

Even newborns are in a state of constant suffering, to varying degrees. They just don't understand what that means. Life is a heartbreaking tragedy indeed.

 

[Garf125]

Id say as long as I can remember but that wouldn't exactly be true. I started experiencing depressive symptoms around age 11 where Id have your typical depressive thoughts and feelings that I cringe at now and kind of boxed into a mental category of "emo" that I mostly stay away from. Those were what motivated my urge to CTB then. I got therapy from my countries infamously bad childhood mental health service CAMHS. I think the "treatment" they gave me functioned as a placebo without providing any actual benefit. Regardless for whatever reason I stopped thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings for a while but still held passive suicidal ideation. It all compounded and returned a couple years ago when I once again stopped feeling the feelings except it wasn't limited to just depressive or negative feelings but all feelings. I haven't had a single emotion since the end of 2021. I think it's then that my soul hit it expiry date in that I hold an attitude similar to that you see with some elderly in nursing homes where they're just tired of living and waiting for it to end except they're in their 80s or 90s and I'm 18. They have a few years left and Id have to spend decades "living" out my sentence until I can finally die in a way that's socially acceptable. I don't want to have it be that way.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence made me want to die and my wish for eternal nothingness was as a result of becoming aware. Something so futile and dreadful as existence was never worth enduring for me in the first place, I've always found so much comfort in death, wanting to die is all that feels right as only death can bring peace.

 

[アホペンギン]

I was about 8 years old when my father pulled me out of school along with my siblings. I have said this along with the reason as to why the thoughts rolled in many times on the forum and I'm sure many people know already so I don't feel the necessity to go into them.

I have actually tried for a decade to improve myself but I lost all ambitiousness that I used to have and pretty much just quit trying, it has been downhill since then.

 

[felixwasabsurd]

Pretty much as the title says.
What age did your suicidal/depression thoughts begin?
Do you remember what caused this thought?

I was about 13, I know it was family related but can't recall exactly what led me to grab a knife that day… since then it has been downhill for my mind

I was 11, I can't remember exactly what it was that drove me to even try. I was in school and some of my classmates were being mean, like kids are, I took it to heart and decided that life was not worth this turmoil. I tried to choke myself out, which obviously did not work, a kid heard me in the bathroom stall and asked if I needed a hug.

If it wasn't for that kid I most likely would have went home and tried again, I don't know if I hate her or want to thank her because despite all the hate I have for my own life that child that I was would have missed out on so many life altering experiences and she did not deserve death yet. But now I'm an adult, I've lived more life than I would like, I'm ready to go.