When did it all go wrong?

[Saturn_]

When in your life did you become suicidal? When did something break within you, causing you to have these thoughts? For me I'm pretty sure it was around ages 10-12. I find myself heavily idolizing everything about my life before that period. It's almost sanctified in a way.

 

[divinemistress36]

When puberty started around 13 I started having thoughts of wanting to die . Then at 29 was assaulted and had a stroke and have wanted to die badly ever since I'm 36 now

 

[AkaRed]

During 2020 was a suicidal peak for me, and then when I joined this site in 2023. Between that time and now I have been at my most suicidal and depressed. I have had bad episodes as a kid before though, but did not always immediately struggle with suicide- I found for me that came as I got older.

But suicide as a topic in the back of my mind has been present from I'd say the ages 14 and above. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety, always been an introvert and things just decayed over time and drove me here.

<3

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I think it's just been like this since forever. Nothing ever broke inside of me; nothing caused it.

 

[anhedonya]

Originally, like truly originally, I started thinking about it when I was 11 or 12. At the time though, it was so easy to bounce back. I'd cry a little, have a bad day for a few hours, and then see a funny joke and be alright again. I started taking it seriously at 17 when I realized I might never be free of my mother. After I finally was, I pushed the idea aside for a little while, but then a lot of really horrible things happened back to back to me. One in particular happened around two years ago now and it completely destroyed whatever hope I may have worked up in that time inbetween. There was nothing left. That's where it all went truly and honestly wrong, though the original problem was always my mother and all the damage she not only caused but led me to chase in others. So to TLDR this answer: I guess the original break must've been when I was 11/12. The true and honest, "I'm done with this" break occurred when I was 20.

 

[xinino]

I learned and believed that anything I have done or will do is unsatisfactory and never enough, and my life is depressed that I am working so hard just to forget it for a few seconds.

I stopped enjoying things, and even if I do, I believe deep in me that it is a simulation and fake.

 

[whywere]

I have a genetic aspect but with that said, I have always had one and after finding out that my ex was a huge gambling addict and draining all of the money out of the bank, that really did it.

Walter

 

[Z-A]

Since puberty but it really got serious recently.

 

[returntothevoid]

It started with childhood abuse from my lowkey psychotic mom, mixed with being the weird socially awkward kid in school. Isolated myself from a very young age. Only got worse the older I got. Then when I was 17 I did a really stupid thing and there's no getting out of it now. I basically committed suicide 5 years ago and now I'm a walking corpse. I'm a ward of the U.S. medical system, my doctor made me and he basically owns me.

 

[thealteredmind]

a couple months ago. thanks to ssri + benzo. I wasn't planning my death before that, BUT I have to admit that due to insomnia most days I wished to not exist.

 

[F@#$]

It started with childhood abuse from my lowkey psychotic mom, mixed with being the weird socially awkward kid in school. Isolated myself from a very young age. Only got worse the older I got. Then when I was 17 I did a really stupid thing and there's no getting out of it now. I basically committed suicide 5 years ago and now I'm a walking corpse. I'm a ward of the U.S. medical system, my doctor made me and he basically owns me.

Huh? How are you owned by a doctor?

 

[Eudaimonic]

My first experience of suicidality was when I was 14 years old, almost 15. It was mostly passive, but I engaged in some risky behaviors.
I recall wishing I had never been born, as a young child, but apparently, that's quite common.

 

[sserafim]

I never wanted to live past 18 but became actively suicidal at 18 and then 21. I didn't want to be alive to live out post-college life because I didn't want to enter the real world. I still haven't entered it yet and I have no intention of doing so

I learned and believed that anything I have done or will do is unsatisfactory and never enough, and my life is depressed that I am working so hard just to forget it for a few seconds.

I stopped enjoying things, and even if I do, I believe deep in me that it is a simulation and fake.

Literally. I don't see the point of working your life away just to die

 

[returntothevoid]

Huh? How are you owned by a doctor?

I'm dependent on him to survive. He specializes in a specific quack field. You can reasonably guess what it is. More than anything I just want to go on a road trip or something and live in the woods but I can't do that now.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Everything went wrong after a big failure in life in my early 40's. It was clear that there won't be a recovery after business failure and I started to become suicidal. I tried recoveries but all of them failed and since about 1 year I'm actively suicidal. There's no possibility for a suitable recovery.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Ever since I knew what death actually is. Back then, I managed to figure out that adulthood is miserable (which it is) and also that I'm not designed for this world (which is true). I'm just simply not meant to be a human. I instead meant to be dead

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

I had shorter periods since my puberty. The periods were not as bad as now.
Suicidal since a few months now. Depressed since almost a year. I just want it to end.

 

[cosmic-freedom]

When I was born

 

[Abyssal]

Elementary school bullying. I'd say kindergarten is when it started. Ended in 9th grade. Suicidal thoughts started at 8, became very real at 10.

Enough a gap of social isolation to fuck me over, but elementary school was when it was the worst.

 

[whywere]

I never wanted to live past 18 but became actively suicidal at 18 and then 21. I didn't want to be alive to live out post-college life because I didn't want to enter the real world. I still haven't entered it yet and I have no intention of doing so

Literally. I don't see the point of working your life away just to die

I can see your point, however, if one is doing something that one really enjoys, like me, then work, even at the age of 68 can be exciting.

Walter

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can see your point, however, if one is doing something that one really enjoys, like me, then work, even at the age of 68 can be exciting.

Walter

@sserafim I can really second what @whywere says. If you really love what you do you never work a single day in your life.

But I'm well aware that a majority doesn't love what they are doing or what they have to do or they are even forced to do.

 

[Red Moon]

Around teenager years, I was suicidal after the bullying. I also got diagnosed with autism from psychologist/doctor/psychiatrist shortly afterwards. My life was never the same since.

 

[Hollowman]

When my parents failed to use birth control the day I was conceived.

 

[straydog]

When I started drinking.

 

[FuneralCry]

When I was so cruelly and harmfully forced into existence in the first place, it disgusts me how humans procreate even know existing is nothing but meaningless suffering. For me wanting to not exist is simply all that's rational, I'd always prefer to cease existing no matter what. Existence itself is the problem, I see no value in the futile and torturous abomination that is human existence, my wish to die is simply a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is.

 

[davidtorez]

From 2018 onwards after my joints started failing miserably making working harder and making it pretty much near impossible to continue with my martial arts passion. Nothing else gave me as much joy , now I just don't give a fuck about anything, wake up in pain, go to bed in pain, hate working , just thinking about more pain and pointlessness coming up as I age more makes me wanna end it asap