Venting When am I even supposed to do this?

[Saturn_]

I just got SN in the mail today and placed an order for metoclopramide. I think I feel very at peace from the idea that I will now have the ability to commit suicide. I will now readily have the window to exit this reality, from the comfort of my bedside. But in terms of actually going through with it... I'm not sure when, or how I will even get to it, and it's kind of exhausting to think about. I would really hate to come off as attention seeking or anything like that. Part of me is approaching this situation with very self-destructive tendencies, as if I want to push myself over the ledge, to focus all my energy into gaining the willpower to finally kill myself.

At the same time, life paradoxically feels more calming and bearable now that I can end it at any time I'd like. It's very odd. I'm reminded of a quote from George Sterling that goes, "A prison becomes a home when you have the key." This was in response to being asked why he would carry a cyanide pill on his person, everywhere he went.

Overall I am honestly just... very, very unsure of what I am going to do next. But I want to give this forum my warmest thank you. Thank you for being so open minded and democratic. Thank you for handing me the key. However or whenever I decide to open my gate out of this planet and into the stars, I will be forever grateful.

 

[Adûnâi]

Cute, congrats! I'm in a similar boat. But you need scales to measure the dose?

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I imagine it's a big weight lifted having an out literally in your back pocket. It's got to be a load off, giving you some power and control back. Has to had changed your perspective, if only momentarily. Maybe even provides confidence. A lot of people buy guns and end up never using them...
Good quote, and use of.

 

[crystal_meth97]

This is also my method of choice. I don't have it yet, but I imagine I'd feel the same if I got my hands on it. I would feel relief and I would feel more in control, as I would have a way to CTB readily available. I'm happy for you, even though I don't know you. I can relate and that's enough. Only you know when the time comes, when the time is right, or whether you want to do this at all. Best of luck with everything and may you find peace in living or death!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's hard to determine when the right time to do it is but it's very easy to tell when isn't the right time.

 

[UmbraDweller]

Remember, this is literally the last thing you will ever have to do, so please don't push yourself too much and take all the time in the world.

 

[Saturn_]

Remember, this is literally the last thing you will ever have to do, so please don't push yourself too much and take all the time in the world.

I'll be sure not to.

 

[dogbreath]

So happy for u!!! I really like that quote too,,,yknow at birth we aren't really given a choice we just,,,pop into existence one day and forced to live,,, finally having a key means you get to decide now you have a choice and that sounds so freeing. Congrats