Discussion What's your main reason for wanting to CTB?

[Supplyndix]

For me it's knowing that whatever I do or try to change, deep down I will always be the person who seriously harmed someone close to me during a mental breakdown ending up with a criminal record and thrown in a hospital. I just can't shake it even though the person forgave me and is still in my life, i can't forgive myself.

 

[TraurigerClown]

For me the death of my daughter. She was the only thing i ever did good in my life

 

[eeah]

unemployment and poor life prospects resulting from that. basically being a failure.

also bc tran

 

[MeaCulpa]

To unburden my loved ones, in a way. I've always weighed other people down. I already have a beneficiary named, so I've continued to work in order to save more money for them. I also heard in passing that a relative has a life insurance policy on me, but that might be void in the event of suicide- it wasn't said directly to me, so I have no way to know the specifics. I feel guilty for being alive.

 

[Surai]

It feels like I am not in peace with the world and the only way I keep concluding for myself would be the non existence of myself. Again and again Ill do the experiments but If I keep coming to the same conclusions I may as well act on them

 

[RosyMapleMothss]

I've been through one traumatic experience and health complication after another. To put it simply, my life is rarely enjoyable. Somehow, anytime I'm finally happy, I fuck it up for myself. I accidently lash out at someone, or I say something rude without realizing it and people treat me horribly after. I don't mean to be like this. I wish I had good social skills, but I always take everything literally and can't read peoples body language to save my life (as if I'd want to). So, yeah, that about sums it up

 

[PlannedforPeru]

I've lived coming up 25 years and I can't imagine doing this for even as close to another 25, let alone more. I can't feel, live, appreciate, or accept in the way others can. Treatments within the parameters of life are Band-Aids on a perpetually bleeding wound that I'll succumb to anyways. The laughs I may have until then doesn't weigh heavily enough to necessitate prolonging the agony.

If life was easier to live, eh I might consider sticking around in consideration to those I care about, but it seems we live in a post Boom time period and things won't be getting easier, at least not in my lifetime.

 

[avalonisburning]

I've been treated like a stray animal my whole life. I'm distrustful and disdainful of people. I find them annoying in ways that I struggle to cope with. I have no love for them, and their works don't impress me. Everything I enjoy or want out of life is wrong or inaccessible. I'm weird, but not in a fun or unique way. People suck, and I hate that I'm permanently beholden to them as part of the social contract. I know I'm the only person who can understand me, see what I see, and I can't relate to or connect with other people as a result. The only tribe I have is myself. I will never, ever experience peace or wholeness in my time on this earth. Did I mention I hate people? I feel I haven't made it clear enough that I hate people and don't want to share this planet with them.

 

[DiniMom]

Because I feel that I can't change. The lost of someone important (they are still alive but they don't care abt me anymore) was what made me consider CTB and is the thing that hurts the most. But that's only the issue on top. I realized that the problem are not the others, it's just me, and it will always be. I can't stand myself anymore and I feel that I will never be able to love myself because I shouldn't. I feel like hating myself is the only right thing, but this will ruin my whole life, so it would be the best if I was gone. This way I can finally stop the suffering and disappointing everyone, including myself.

 

[ramon]

Sorry for getting off topic here:

No money in the long run, a dead artist carreer, only dead end jobs, bad memories outnumbering good ones, decaying physical and mental health... all that stress broke me mentally and pushed me beyond whatever threshold I had to cross to realize the choice for me is to CTB.

As long as I keep on planning and executing when and how to pull the plug, those worries that pushed me into all of this (ironically) will not creep in again.

 

[not fond of it]

I can't handle the amount of work it takes to live independently. Let alone to do the things that I find enjoyable. Long distance backpacking has been the only thing to provide me reliable peace, but as I am approaching starting a career I am realizing that happiness needs to be found day by day rather than massive vacations.

Without depression, maybe I could somehow find that joy in each day. But after years of trying different pills, therapists, hobbies, and friend groups, I have ruled out almost every avenue for that kind of happiness. My ketamine therapy starts on Tuesday, and after a few weeks I will know for sure.

 

[painfree]

When I was 16 I didn't want to live to see 50, I felt back then I didn't belong here. When I turned 50 this year I regretted pushing myself this far. Of those 34 years I had 5 good years with my husband, the rest traumatizing 8 years taking care of him after he had 5 brain surgeries, then died. Since then nothing but my own physical pain. Only to come to the same conclusion. I want to ctb.

 

[WallowingWillow]

"Somehow, anytime I'm finally happy, I fuck it up for myself."

^^this. Without fail, I always fuck it up.

 

[Pryras]

I have a similar reason to yours, although I wasn't forgiven for the harm I caused.

At the end of the day I just want to stop the 24/7 ruminating and the suffering from mere existence. I don't want to wait and see what the future holds since pain and suffering is inevitable the longer I go on.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Life just isn't meant for me. What I mean by that is that I have a different neurotype and a different mindset to everybody else. Everybody else thinks that some level of suffering and hardship is acceptable but, in my case, I feel a lot of pain from going through the suffering and hardship caused by life itself. What I mean by this is the things that everybody is expected to do such as a job or university or chores and so on. It's all just so overwhelming for me and I refuse to just suck it up and accept "that's life" and fight until the bitter end. I want to give up and I don't think there's anything wrong in giving up since life was imposed on me to begin with. I shouldn't have to fight endlessly when I'm going to die anyway.

Since I hate all types of suffering and want to suffer as little as possible, I have concluded that an earlier death is better than a later death for me since life will always be full of suffering and death is the absence of suffering. The earlier I die, the less I suffer in existence overall. I see an earlier death as me being risk averse as life always contains risk for extreme suffering and, if I'm dead, I will no longer be subjected to these risks.

Also, I'm incapable of feeling happy. Nothing really works on me. Things like music or movies or TV shows or anything else just doesn't make me feel anything. All I feel is suffering and all I go through is hardship

 

[PI3.14]

No single reason but rather multiple ones.

Body dysmorphia(height related), being almost 27 and just starting college again, no history of work due to severe depression which started with my BDD.

 

[Yurin]

Lack of rights and freedom, and me knowing no matter what I won't be able to escape this place cause i been already stripped from all means to do so.. life gives me nothing but pain and dread.

 

[ctb2soble]

I've never felt like I belonged here. I just wanna go back to where I think I was before I was born.

 

[ihavebeendone]

This is my first reply/post but my answer is being transgender and having autism. Both of them are incurable and I'll have to deal with them for life. I'll never have the body I want and I'll always be treated differently, I'm years behind in school and in special ed because I'm so stupid. Autistic sensory issues make everything hell because there's sounds and lights everywhere and I have to spend all my free time recovering from 4 hour school days. I'll never be able to have a regular job or earn enough money to support myself. I'm stuck in a life where nothing is enjoyable for me and I'll never live like a normal average adult. Thanks for the question btw, I appreciate how everyone can open up about their issues.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think I can create an enjoyable enough life for myself that feels worth the effort. Plus, I want to dodge the bullet of bereavement, old age, illness, poverty.

My initial reasons for becoming suicidal were bereavements and crap in childhood. So, elements of that linger. The rest of my life has pretty much focussed on a coping mechanism to get through all that- in the form of a creative career. That has started to lose it's lustre though and now, I'm just tired!

Friendships/ family relationships were important to me also but, most of them have dwindled or ended when more people died or moved away and I no longer have enough faith in them to form more. So, a mixture of stuff really.

 

[astr4]

Spoiler: long ramble, sorry folks

fucked my life up at 19 when i took a year off of uni because i was suicidal after my first serious relationship ended.

went back at 20 but couldn't make myself go to the classes because i felt so pathetic knowing everyone knew each other and i was the odd one out, the loser who was a year behind. (i was in a very small program so everyone knew everyone…)

kept failing despite repeated efforts at school because i keep getting stuck on how pathetic i am, i can't bring myself to show my face in classes, whether it's in person or online. tried again at 22, 23… you get the idea.

if there was a degree or diploma i could get without any human interaction necessary, i bet i could do it. but the shame of knowing everyone else knows how pathetic i am holds me back from ever setting foot on campus again.

turned to weed and benzos and adderall, working retail and customer service, soul sucking meaningless jobs that make me want to kill myself even more, but how else am i to get the money for my happiness drugs?

anyways i quit my job of 2 years in order to kill myself. but that was back in july and now it's november and i'm on unemployment. and it's just enough money for my drugs if i live at home with emotionally abusive asian parents. it won't last forever so i do have a suicide deadline. but in the meantime i'm always sleeping or gaming or reading or doing something ocd related but it's…

like this is fine. if i could do this forever i would be okay. but i can't. so i can either try and not be pathetic and useless and a waste of space for once in my life lol. or i can catch that bus whenever the government decides to stop funding my unemployment. i've been trying to apply for disability as well, but i'm so pathetic i have difficulty with all the paperwork. having to write out explicitly how my stupid low self esteem makes me unable to function or leave the house or be presentable…

i'm so pathetic my therapist hung up on me yesterday ha 20 minutes in i was getting heated, she kept telling me i was angry she was late and i told her i didn't care. and then when i asked her to move on she told me she couldn't talk to me until i "calmed down" and hung up on me lol.

really leaning that needle towards ctb today.

in hindsight i guess… getting sober might also be an option but i haven't been sober since 20 so… idk raw dogging life seems more painful than just dying, ngl.

i kind of fast forwarded through my early 20s and other breakups and sexual assault and suicide attempts because, really and truly, it was that first attempt at 19 that set me back and made me a pathetic failure for all the years to come. he dumped me in september, right as our second year was starting.

god. i'm so bitter thinking back on it. i wish i had succeeded. it was so stupid to try to kill myself over an ex, but i wish i had had the decency to choose something more lethal. or i wish i just never dated lol. because i was stupid to let myself think anyone could care for me long term and not just temporarily while i'm easy to deal with. anyways. i'm high and talking too much, ha.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Main reason is just that I've never had a girlfriend and I know it's already too late for me to get one since I am over 30 years old and have yet to go on a single date. I also don't really feel like I even deserve one anyway due to being objectively evil and selfish and cruel so I'm left with nothing to live for except the comfort of dying in the near future.

 

[nancyboy]

My current reason is I got broken up with. Pathetic, I know. But now I'm realizing that I was never meant to be loved. I was put on this Earth to be alone forever. That's not a life I can live. Along with this I don't have any friends, and a job seems so far out of my reach. All my high school friends are now in college and I'm just a bum where I live. But hey, the way I want to ctb I need money, so at least I'll have a job before my death

 

[Darkover]

Long-term physical brain injury and everything that comes along with that like mood swings

 

[CogitoMori]

Loneliness. Everyone that claims to love me has hit me. I've moved around too much to have any childhood friends, and I can't seem to make any as an adult. The person that I thought was my best friend was ignoring my PM's and wouldn't reply to me until I posted a public comment asking what she was planning to name the baby. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant. I've always wanted to be everyone's friend, but nobody wants to be friends with me. Ironically people seemed to like me more when I was a gigantically angry asshole

 

[deadbehindtheeyes12]

I did a post but I have a condition called hard flaccid makes your genitals retract very painfull and gets in the way of day to day things

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I personally see existence itself as the problem, human existence just feels like a cruel mistake to me and I'd never wish to be burdened with something as futile and torturous as existence. For me non-existence truly is all that's desirable, I find it painful to simply be conscious, I'd always prefer to die as after all if I'm dead then I cannot suffer in any way and all is finally gone and forgotten about for me yet there is no limit as to how unbearable this existence can get that I never would have wished for in the first place and the thought of suffering until old age is so horrific to me. I'd never wish for such agony but rather I just wish for nothingness, I only hope for some peace and for me peace could only ever lie in death, only in non-existence will I be safe from all suffering.

 

[asthedayends00]

Because I personally see existence itself as the problem, human existence just feels like a cruel mistake to me and I'd never wish to be burdened with something as futile and torturous as existence. For me non-existence truly is all that's desirable, I find it painful to simply be conscious, I'd always prefer to die as after all if I'm dead then I cannot suffer in any way and all is finally gone and forgotten about for me yet there is no limit as to how unbearable this existence can get that I never would have wished for in the first place and the thought of suffering until old age is so horrific to me. I'd never wish for such agony but rather I just wish for nothingness, I only hope for some peace and for me peace could only ever lie in death, only in non-existence will I be safe from all suffering.

Do you plan on ctb then? You reply to everything but not to one question I'm curious about. I'm sure everyone else is too

 

[Tuonetar_]

Complete and total exhaustion on a mental, emotional, and physical level. Even the good things in life make me feel so tired.

 

[divinemistress36]

Brain injury