Venting What's wrong with me (cw: grooming? pedophilia?) Please help me

[plast1c_sk1n]

I wrote this down a few months ago, I'm 18 now, turning 19 in 3 months. But I still feel the way I felt when I wrote this and want help. I can't tell this to anybody irl.

.

I've always craved attention & validation and so for the past 2 years I've been posting revealing photos on Reddit to satisfy that craving. Every post led to at least 50 dms (usually from men between the ages of 25-50) complimenting my looks and it made me so happy.

It's not like I'm lonely irl or anything. I have lots of friends (although I've only ever dated 1 person) and have always been praised for my personality, looks, academics, & talents but no matter what I always want more. I need everyone to look at me and be mesmerized. Even though I know I'm really not that impressive and honestly a pretty bad person.

Anyway, recently I've been talking to a few guys who know I'm 17 (they're all adults aged 23+) and when they said they liked the fact that I was young (I also have a baby face and a small body so I already knew my main audience would be people like this) it got me really excited. They've said things like "it's a shame you're almost 18" "do you have any nudes from when you were younger?" "It turns me on that it feels like I'm taking advantage of an innocent kid" and I know that's all fucked up and if anyone else was in my situation I would tell them to immediately get out of there but for some reason I'm obsessed with hearing them tell me those types of things. I even encourage it and act cute/childish on purpose. I love it so much and I hate myself for that. I don't think any of these guys would actually do anything like this to unwilling children (they all make sure I'm comfortable whenever we do anything) but my friends say that just the fact that they are acting this way towards me makes them a pedophile. Obviously I hate pedophiles. They disgust me and I think anybody who harms children should be sentenced to the worst pain imaginable. I'd be really worried if my friend was doing the same thing as me so why do I still love it so much? I know I should've never posted as a minor and even more should've never kept allowing adults to flirt with and sexualize me despite knowing my age but it makes me feel so good. It turns me on and it boosts my ego and makes me feel wanted.

I really hope I grow out of this fucked up fetish. I'm encouraging pedophilic behaviour for my own satisfaction and I hate myself for it but I just love it so much. Talking to these people (who I have zero interest in) is so fun and makes me so happy and I don't know why. Anybody else in my situation would be disgusted by their behaviour so why do I enjoy it so much. What's wrong with me? Please help me I don't want to be like this.

.

I haven't been talking to guys recently but after I turned 18, I started an OF & prostituted myself for a few months. Of course once again my audience was men often over twice my age. I have no interest in any of them. They really do seem like alright people though. And I know I sound stupid and gullible for believing that but I genuinely can't imagine any of them being actual pedophiles. I stopped posting & doing sex work around the time I started college back in September both because I was getting too busy and just because I got bored of it. But unfortunately, even though I'm not actively doing all that anymore, I still feel the exact same way as I did when I wrote all that and did all those things. I want to be a kid again and loved by those men. I want to be spoiled with money and gifts, knowing they want me because I look like a kid. I know I should regret posting those photos in the first place but instead what I regret is not doing it all sooner. Why the fuck am I like this. I've lived a relatively normal life. There's no reason for me to be this way. What the fuck is wrong with me. I have no feelings for any of those adults who gave me attention. They were ugly and sometimes annoying. But the compliments. They were obsessed with me and I couldn't get enough of it, which already seems like a problem by itself but it's all so much worse because the fact that I was underage made it even more fun for me. One of the guys talking to me was a fucking teacher. A teacher talking to a 17 year old, saying he's been wanting a little boy to play with. And I loved hearing that. Even though I knew it was so wrong. And part of me was so disgusted but clearly not enough to stop. The man who said he wished he was my dad so he could've raped me every night as a kid. Why did I not hate hearing that. What the fuck is wrong with me. And nothing is getting better, now as I'm getting older I wish I was still 16. I still look 16 so it's not like I just want to look young. I want to BE young and I want these disgusting creepy adults to take advantage of me and fetishize my age.

I don't know if anybody's actually going to read all of that but please, somebody help me. I don't want to be this way. It's horrible and wrong. I'm disgusted and scared of myself but I can't stop having these thoughts. Sorry this was all over the place, it's hard to explain. I don't know what is wrong with me. Please help me

 

[gnarly]

This is very interesting. I'm very sorry for you. Idk how much I can exactly help as this is definitely something out of the ordinary. Best I can say is just control your thoughts. Try as best as you can to erase it from yourself. Sorry if this isn't much help.

 

[ebg]

You could start by gathering a list of the pedophiles and reporting them to the police.

 

[SVEN]

I've no idea what I could say to help, sorry. All I can suggest is that the more you indulge this behaviour the more challenging it's ever going to be to stop it.
Bit like an alcoholic or drug addict saying they have to break the addiction, but still drinking alcohol or doing drugs.
Best wishes for breaking free from this depraving addiction.

 

[avoid]

An interesting read. I have never dealt with a situation such as yours so consider this post as my uneducated opinion. You'll need to find the source of, or the solution to, your predicament by looking inward (introspection). Maybe these thoughts help with that.

Outside of the age difference, arousal and wanting to be young again, it seems that seeking validation from others, particularly men online, may be part of the situation. Social media and (anonymous) chatrooms are an easy way of getting this validation. This doesn't help if you want to stop depending on quick but fleeting and unfulfilling ego boosts. There are a lot of articles on how to stop chasing (male) validation and perhaps such self-help articles will aid you in bettering yourself. One idea is to pursue a passion for yourself whether it be big or small and work to achieve that. This can be a goal as simple as learning to crack an egg with one hand, or as complex as learning to play an instrument «insert meme here». You can experience life's pleasures by yourself without craving or requiring external validation.

As for the age difference, do you feel more comfortable if you act in a child-like manner? There's nothing wrong with this. If you want to be spoiled like how a parent would spoil their child, maybe elements from a "daddy dom/little girl" relationship benefit you when you find someone you trust arelated. This can be decoupled from anything fetish or kink related.

Daddy Dom / little girl

(You mentioned, "I even encourage it and act cute/childish on purpose.")
DDlg is a form of roleplay where two adults consent to take on roles with unequal power. One person acts as a caregiver (the DD) and the other acts as 'the little' – someone who wants to receive care and affection. This type of relationship involves age regression and nurturing, and may help you in finding the attention and affection you want. It is distinct from pedophilia, which involves sexual attraction to children. DDlg emphasizes consent, boundaries, and the well-being of all parties involved. So find someone who loves you for you, not for your age or baby face and small body. [source]
​

The taboo of it

(You mentioned, "It [flirting with adults as a minor] turns me on and […].")
Taboo, or in this case, the illegality of inappropriate contact between a minor and adult. When you're told not to do something then sometimes you want to do it even more. There's a fundamental principle of human sexuality known as the Erotic Equation: attraction + obstacles = excitement.

Sexual taboos might also be especially appealing to people high in sensation-seeking tendencies, who need more potent stimuli to get aroused in the first place. For them, doing something taboo amps up the excitement factor. [source]
​

Maybe this is just a phase you'll outgrow. You're only 18 years old and have not yet fully matured. Though I understand that you want to accelerate outgrowing behavior you're not comfortable with.

Off-topic, do you remember the reason for naming yourself plast1c_sk1n? To have plastic skin kind of relates to not ageing: a body frozen in time; staying young. Maybe this relates to your story and wanting to be young [a minor] again.

Spoiler: meme

Spoiler: pedophilia or ephebophilia

First and foremost, I'm not defending, promoting or attacking anything. I just find it interesting that most people use pedophile as a catch-all label for individuals that are sexually attracted to minors, ages 0–17. Ephebophilia is more common than most people would like to admit. The graph below is a hypothetical distribution of sexual age preferences. [source].

There's also something to be said about the arbitrary decision of becoming an adult (in the eyes of the law) at 18. This Reddit post talks a bit on the topic but take it at face value. According to various studies, it's well established that the brain undergoes a "rewiring" process that is not complete until approximately 25 years of age. The age span 10–24 is considered as adolescence, a sensitive period of brain maturation during which neurotoxic insults, trauma, chronic stress, drug abuse, and sedentary lifestyles may have a negative impact. [source]

People need to obey the law. Many consider predatory behavior morally wrong and so is inappropriate contact between minors and adults. The line between child and adult needs to be drawn somewhere and this line was drawn when we knew little about the brain. In light of what we know about the brain today, maybe the line between underage and of age should be 21 years. Or 20, or 19. My point is, that the same type of inappropriate contact between a 17-year-old and an adult twice the age can happen with an 18-year-old, or even when in your early 20s.

 

[casual_existence]

You're gonna have to change your environment significantly if you want to change. Like moving somewhere else or not participating in online spaces at all.

It's hard for sure. Most people don't want to change. I've struggled to change myself for years and it really does not get easier as you get older. I've lived a highly unstable life and despite my best efforts it seems that I'm going to continue like this.

 

[ForestGhost]

First of all I just want to commend you for your honesty, this is pretty vulnerable and personal stuff you're sharing. I've never quite gone as far as this but I've definitely grappled with similar feelings. In my case this probably arose out of SA I experienced as a kid, unfortunately it's a pretty common thing for victims to fetishize their own abuse in this sort of way. I don't know if that could be an issue for you, but even if not, having fantasies about being on the receiving end of taboo sexual behavior is not terribly uncommon.

I don't personally think the nature of this paraphilia itself is worth distressing over, especially now that you're an adult. As long as it doesn't disrupt your everyday life or encourage dangerous behavior, there are ways you could engage with it in a relatively safe manner if you so chose to. If it's something you really want to shed, though, targeted therapy is probably the place to start.

 

[plast1c_sk1n]

An interesting read. I have never dealt with a situation such as yours so consider this post as my uneducated opinion. You'll need to find the source of, or the solution to, your predicament by looking inward (introspection). Maybe these thoughts help with that.

Thank you for taking the time to write all this, I really appreciate it.

Outside of the age difference, arousal and wanting to be young again, it seems that seeking validation from others, particularly men online, may be part of the situation. Social media and (anonymous) chatrooms are an easy way of getting this validation. This doesn't help if you want to stop depending on quick but fleeting and unfulfilling ego boosts. There are a lot of articles on how to stop chasing (male) validation and perhaps such self-help articles will aid you in bettering yourself. One idea is to pursue a passion for yourself whether it be big or small and work to achieve that. This can be a goal as simple as learning to crack an egg with one hand, or as complex as learning to play an instrument «insert meme here». You can experience life's pleasures by yourself without craving or requiring external validation.

It's not that I specifically want validation or attention from men, I like women too and am happy with any kind of positive attention, not necessarily sexual. Attention from men wanting sex is just the easiest to receive. (I look pretty feminine for a guy so I tend to attract men more than women) And I do have many hobbies/passions. I'm an artist and am currently studying animation in college. But again, although I do genuinely love art, I still can't help needing to be praised for my work. And of course people do compliment my art but it's not enough. I get much more attention for my body.

As for the age difference, do you feel more comfortable if you act in a child-like manner? There's nothing wrong with this. If you want to be spoiled like how a parent would spoil their child, maybe elements from a "daddy dom/little girl" relationship benefit you when you find someone you trust arelated. This can be decoupled from anything fetish or kink related.

Daddy Dom / little girl

(You mentioned, "I even encourage it and act cute/childish on purpose.")
DDlg is a form of roleplay where two adults consent to take on roles with unequal power. One person acts as a caregiver (the DD) and the other acts as 'the little' – someone who wants to receive care and affection. This type of relationship involves age regression and nurturing, and may help you in finding the attention and affection you want. It is distinct from pedophilia, which involves sexual attraction to children. DDlg emphasizes consent, boundaries, and the well-being of all parties involved. So find someone who loves you for you, not for your age or baby face and small body.​

I have thought about this but I don't think it's for me. I have horrible intrusive thoughts, including ones about incest and pedophilia, which makes it hard for me to enjoy something like this. I'm especially disgusted by incest and wouldn't be able to do something like this without associating it with that. Also, this is kinda unrelated and I'm not sure what the cause is or if this is worth mentioning but I am often disgusted by the touch of my family members. Only on very rare occasion do I actually enjoy hugs from my mother or sister and I don't think I have ever enjoyed being hugged or touched at all by my father.

Off-topic, do you remember the reason for naming yourself plast1c_sk1n? To have plastic skin kind of relates to not ageing: a body frozen in time; staying young. Maybe this relates to your story and wanting to be young [a minor] again.

That's interesting, I hadn't thought of that but I do like that idea. I chose the name mostly because I just like the way it sounds. But also, I want to be fake, like a doll. I want to be perfect and smooth. Because of my OCD I often scratch and pick at my skin in an attempt to remove any texture. Being smooth like plastic would be great.

First of all I just want to commend you for your honesty, this is pretty vulnerable and personal stuff you're sharing. I've never quite gone as far as this but I've definitely grappled with similar feelings. In my case this probably arose out of SA I experienced as a kid, unfortunately it's a pretty common thing for victims to fetishize their own abuse in this sort of way. I don't know if that could be an issue for you, but even if not, having fantasies about being on the receiving end of taboo sexual behavior is not terribly uncommon.

I don't personally think the nature of this paraphilia itself is worth distressing over, especially now that you're an adult. As long as it doesn't disrupt your everyday life or encourage dangerous behavior, there are ways you could engage with it in a relatively safe manner if you so chose to. If it's something you really want to shed, though, targeted therapy is probably the place to start.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear that you've felt similarly, I hope you're doing alright.
I know it's common for victims to have those kinds of thoughts and I understand why that is but I've never had anything very bad happen to me at all. If I at least had a reason for being this way I think I'd feel a lot better.

 

[pollux]

This one is the closest to your problem I found. I hope it might help you. It has helped me, even though our problems aren't the same.