tir
i push my fingers into my eyes (she)
- Dec 27, 2025
- 5
there's no fucking way that i struggle through all of this, and get a fucking pat on the back. oh yay I finally sorted my fucking life out. now i have to actually get a life.
is there even a point to healing ? what's the idea? it seems so bleak to heal back to normal in a world that is on the brink of disaster every day.
and plus, do people even cheer you for beating this fucking illness ? they will. but after that ? they'll forget. they got used to this "you" you've fixed. and you have to rebuild your life again.
the things i am as a person, and as a human being, are depraved. how could I fix myself if I don't get judged, punished, outcasted, or punished during this process ? this thought already hurts my mind. being in any of these situations hurt and it won't get better as time goes on.
people say the past is past, but what if you LITERALLY can not forget the past ? I cling onto what my childhood was like. what the years before my eternal damnation was like. it was shiny. pure joy and love for what I do. now I rot in bed playing a game, constantly losing and gaining weight, body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, borderline personality disorder, emotional obsession, apathy to humanity, and constant urges to cut.
people like me are in states that are beyond salvage, and some are worse. im glad to at least have a place to live, some don't have such a privilege and it's infuriating and depressing.
all they say is "you are the only one to fix yourself." and I can't do such a task. one big step is so insane to begin, and even after finishing this, the constant or consistent parade of the world's misfortunes and flaws continue to prevail. if this is the world where the ONE life that people want me to live in is, why do they say it in the eyes of a hallucinogenic kaleidoscope? there's no reward to healing. it's just you. yourself. all you did was do a journey that took forever. and now, it's a new life you made. and you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN.
nothing makes me want to die more than living. anything exciting is going to pussy out on me. im just a sore ulcer in a society that doesn't care about ulcers like me.
is there even a point to healing ? what's the idea? it seems so bleak to heal back to normal in a world that is on the brink of disaster every day.
and plus, do people even cheer you for beating this fucking illness ? they will. but after that ? they'll forget. they got used to this "you" you've fixed. and you have to rebuild your life again.
the things i am as a person, and as a human being, are depraved. how could I fix myself if I don't get judged, punished, outcasted, or punished during this process ? this thought already hurts my mind. being in any of these situations hurt and it won't get better as time goes on.
people say the past is past, but what if you LITERALLY can not forget the past ? I cling onto what my childhood was like. what the years before my eternal damnation was like. it was shiny. pure joy and love for what I do. now I rot in bed playing a game, constantly losing and gaining weight, body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, borderline personality disorder, emotional obsession, apathy to humanity, and constant urges to cut.
people like me are in states that are beyond salvage, and some are worse. im glad to at least have a place to live, some don't have such a privilege and it's infuriating and depressing.
all they say is "you are the only one to fix yourself." and I can't do such a task. one big step is so insane to begin, and even after finishing this, the constant or consistent parade of the world's misfortunes and flaws continue to prevail. if this is the world where the ONE life that people want me to live in is, why do they say it in the eyes of a hallucinogenic kaleidoscope? there's no reward to healing. it's just you. yourself. all you did was do a journey that took forever. and now, it's a new life you made. and you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN.
nothing makes me want to die more than living. anything exciting is going to pussy out on me. im just a sore ulcer in a society that doesn't care about ulcers like me.
