Discussion What's the reason most people want to CTB? //

[Sleeper System]

I'm curious about the circumstances of people who want to CTB. The reasons are also worth hearing.
I want to know from individuals that want to just summerize what's going on in their respective lives.
I'm also wondering if they can perceive a circumstance where they would NOT ctb if certain needs were met.
Reading peoples stories helps me try to cope with my own feelings and thoughts about suicide. Any insight would be appreciate.

 

[F@#$]

I've wanted to die for years (like 30 of them). I don't remember how or when it started. As I've gotten older it's evolved into a burning hatred for the world. And a realization that I have fucked up my life it's too late to fix it. The only peace or retirement I have to look forward to is at the end of a .357. Maybe I'll get lucky and fall victim to some accident but not likely. So that's where I'm at.

 

[Sleeper System]

I've wanted to die for years (like 30 of them). I don't remember how or when it started. As I've gotten older it's evolved into a burning hatred for the world. And a realization that I have fucked up my life it's too late to fix it. The only peace or retirement I have to look forward to is at the end of a .357. Maybe I'll get lucky and fall victim to so accident but not likely. So that's where I'm at.

Thanks for sharing.
The hatred for the world part speaks to me. I have more destructive thoughts than positive ones as I get older.
I'm finding some balance with work and indulging in the things I like but it's hard.
If someone were to offer a bright red "Im done" button I would snap my finger pressing it.

 

[Abyssal]

Studies have shown that the top reason for suicide is Mental illness. Way to state the obvious google.

That aside, if you want a more specific answer that may or may not be correct based on my own research and experiences, loneliness/isolation is one of the largest factors and/or traits for those who commit suicide.

 

[lifelite]

Developmental disability here. I'm not active on.. life at all due to this. Oh how I would have loved to be normal, date, and such.
But here I am. Ima keep on being positive tho, because maybe I can move somewhere quiet and enjoy life again

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Life is unneccessary stress and torture, that's why.

 

[Sleeper System]

Studies have shown that the top reason for suicide is Mental illness. Way to state the obvious google.

That aside, if you want a more specific answer that may or may not be correct based on my own research and experiences, loneliness/isolation is one of the largest factors and/or traits for those who commit suicide.

I don't want the general idea. I want to know about peoples individual struggles.
It's because I know we all have so much in common but I wonder about the subtle or even greater differences.

Developmental disability here. I'm not active on.. life at all due to this. Oh how I would have loved to be normal, date, and such.
But here I am. Ima keep on being positive tho, because maybe I can move somewhere quiet and enjoy life again

That's a tough hand to be dealt. We're in the perfect time in exists for you to prosper even with a disability.
I'm glad you're trying to stay positive. The nice quiet life is the goal. Maybe just a little drama mixed in though. xD

Life is unneccessary stress and torture, that's why.

I like your user-name and the reference photo. Your statement is very much in character.
What about your own life makes the sentence you just said resonate with you so deeply?

 

[SecretDissociation]

I guess I just see life as an annoying chore. It is useless to build up skills or anything when at the end there is just a void. That and I haven't been able to properly feel anything at all since like age 7 so it's been like 13 years of me facing everything with a fake heart. I've tried so many anti-depressants, I truly don't think nothing will fulfill me as much as death will.

+ Even if I had all the money in the world, and the only feeling I can feel, stress, was taken away from me I would still ctb. Hell, it would just be more accessible to me which I will accept.

 

[Abyssal]

I don't want the general idea. I want to know about peoples individual struggles.
It's because I know we all have so much in common but I wonder about the subtle or even greater differences.

Alright, I'll give you my reason;

I was never meant to want to live. The pain I feel is more intense than any happiness I feel and I have no reason to believe that'll change in the future. Environmental factors probably played a role, for I was isolated and made fun of through elementary school, yet I also behaved oddly and mentally matured comically slowly.If it weren't for who I was, I never would've been bullied in the first place and, perhaps, it wouldn't have had such long lasting impacts on my mental health.

 

[Sleeper System]

I guess I just see life as an annoying chore. It is useless to build up skills or anything when at the end there is just a void. That and I haven't been able to properly feel anything at all since like age 7 so it's been like 13 years of me facing everything with a fake heart. I've tried so many anti-depressants, I truly don't think nothing will fulfill me as much as death will.

+ Even if I had all the money in the world, and the only feeling I can feel, stress, was taken away from me I would still ctb. Hell, it would just be more accessible to me which I will accept.

"What's the point?" seems to be one of the bigger reasons for CTB.
It does feel futile most of the time to keep going. Especially if it's only to surivive.
I think having more money would only afford me more time. Eventually, the feelings will come back and the money will end up being the catalyst for my CTB so I can relate to that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to ctb, to me suicide feels like a rational solution to prevent and escape from all future unnecessary suffering. I just don't see anything desirable about existence, in fact it's the opposite, to have the ability to exist is futile, tiresome and burdensome. And with existing comes the risk of suffering much more at any moment, there is no limit as to how torturous existing can get and that's reason enough why I'd certainly always prefer to not exist. Only the existing are capable of suffering after all, and not the dead.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I personally don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to ctb, to me suicide feels like a rational solution to prevent and escape from all future unnecessary suffering. I just don't see anything desirable about existence, in fact it's the opposite, to have the ability to exist is futile, tiresome and burdensome. And with existing comes the risk of suffering much more at any moment, there is no limit as to how torturous existing can get and that's reason enough why I'd certainly always prefer to not exist. Only the existing are capable of suffering after all, and not the dead.

Agreed FC, the human condition is such a burden to endure till the moment of death.

 

[Sleeper System]

Alright, I'll give you my reason;

I was never meant to want to live. The pain I feel is more intense than any happiness I feel and I have no reason to believe that'll change in the future. Environmental factors probably played a role, for I was isolated and made fun of through elementary school, yet I also behaved oddly and mentally matured comically slowly.If it weren't for who I was, I never would've been bullied in the first place and, perhaps, it wouldn't have had such long lasting impacts on my mental health.

I feel like that a lot but never consistantly. Some days i'll be ok and just living every day life and then the next ill feel this pain in my chest that comes from my brain like as if my body was trying to find the programming to tell every cell in my body to cease function.

I was isolated as child aswell. My guardians meant well as I live in a bad location but not allowing me to socialize beyond school made me sort of a black sheep. I did get bullied throughout my life and I was even a bully myself. So I know the differences and can empathize with both struggles.

Part of me wishes bullying broke me so I would have even more reason to ctb but the truth is it made me stronger and able to deal with things which is what most people think is a positive of bullying. Still it's messed up.

I personally don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to ctb, to me suicide feels like a rational solution to prevent and escape from all future unnecessary suffering. I just don't see anything desirable about existence, in fact it's the opposite, to have the ability to exist is futile, tiresome and burdensome. And with existing comes the risk of suffering much more at any moment, there is no limit as to how torturous existing can get and that's reason enough why I'd certainly always prefer to not exist. Only the existing are capable of suffering after all, and not the dead.

I think some people come to the understanding that life is indeed hard but those moments where life is actually good are worth the trouble. Hope is the biggest reason some don't have tunnel vision when it comes to existence. I am not one of those people. I believe that the decision should be the persons. Let those who want to live do so and those that dont allow to die on their own terms.

 

[zombiegirl]

poverty

 

[Mistiie]

I probably have a neurodevelopmental disorder. I don't want to live when my brain is inherently inferior to someone else's and when I will never experience life at the same richness and ease as others.

 

[Byebyemap]

My reason:
I have trouble functioning in day to day life.
I have memory problems/cognitive problems, can't disciplin myself and build habits, get progressively more stupid, older, more tired, more pain and tension in the body, more lonely.

And most of all I am not interested in almost anything, I feel like there's nothing really new to enjoy, just more of the same colors mixed differently. Sure I like to see and be around some people and family members, but they'll be fine without me. I feel like I have nothing to say, trouble thinking and most days are just anoying and mirror me how I'm not like most people. I really am of a different breed I guess. I have problems remebering my past and what people tell me, I can't learn much at all, planing my days I sometimes do but doing it is another thing, I fail at most basic stuff (I mean really, can't do much at all, I'm pretty sure I am more stupid than most of you here), I don't meet a lot of people and when I see the few friends or family that I have I have nothing to say really and mostly feel bad about using them as therapists and not to feel lonely. I have no interests or ideas what to do.

This has not been getting better in the last years. I am told it's a depressive episode right now, bipolar diagnosis. But the underlying tiredness of life has been there for years. Just right now it's especially heavy I guess. But then maybe I am just confused and my thoughts will change?

But either way I'm fucked, even if I feel better my life sucks in a lot of ways. I am in a lot of trouble, a whole lot of stuff I procrastinated doing for a long time is coming back and fucking with me, health is not good, not much money, not much skills, not good at focusing and controling myself, not good st thinking, basically just trapped inside this meatsuit, thinking of getting off the ride.

Could write more but this gives an idea…

 

[Sleeper System]

poverty

It's crazy how that one word says it all.
Poverty sucks. Especially when its generational.
Sometimes you can't even imagine breaking that cycle.
Im still stuck in it myself. It's horrible. I understand you on that.

My reason:
I have trouble functioning in day to day life.
I have memory problems/cognitive problems, can't disciplin myself and build habits, get progressively more stupid, older, more tired, more pain and tension in the body, more lonely.

And most of all I am not interested in almost anything, I feel like there's nothing really new to enjoy, just more of the same colors mixed differently. Sure I like to see and be around some people and family members, but they'll be fine without me. I feel like I have nothing to say, trouble thinking and most days are just anoying and mirror me how I'm not like most people. I really am of a different breed I guess. I have problems remebering my past and what people tell me, I can't learn much at all, planing my days I sometimes do but doing it is another thing, I fail at most basic stuff (I mean really, can't do much at all, I'm pretty sure I am more stupid than most of you here), I don't meet a lot of people and when I see the few friends or family that I have I have nothing to say really and mostly feel bad about using them as therapists and not to feel lonely. I have no interests or ideas what to do.

This has not been getting better in the last years. I am told it's a depressive episode right now, bipolar diagnosis. But the underlying tiredness of life has been there for years. Just right now it's especially heavy I guess. But then maybe I am just confused and my thoughts will change?

But either way I'm fucked, even if I feel better my life sucks in a lot of ways. I am in a lot of trouble, a whole lot of stuff I procrastinated doing for a long time is coming back and fucking with me, health is not good, not much money, not much skills, not good at focusing and controling myself, not good st thinking, basically just trapped inside this meatsuit, thinking of getting off the ride.

Could write more but this gives an idea…

You don't seem dumb to me at all.
Life is nothing more than the same colors mixed differently.
That's an insight to me and it's accurate.
If we only had a reset button.

 

[F@#$]

Thanks for sharing.
The hatred for the world part speaks to me. I have more destructive thoughts than positive ones as I get older.
I'm finding some balance with work and indulging in the things I like but it's hard.
If someone were to offer a bright red "Im done" button I would snap my finger pressing it.

Let me know if you find that button.

 

[melancholia_melodia]

I have a screw loose in my head and have no friends, I live in a dysfunctional family that is also quite poor, I often unintentionally sabotage my own relationships with the people around me cos of my issues, everyone misunderstands me, ignores me and/or treats me harshly, and more.... all of these things lead to me being incredibly lonely and depressed and suicidal. I wish I was born normal, then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm dying inside every day.

 

[PA𝖨𝑁]

series of continuous bad events happening from young age

 

[ghostiscrying]

For myself personally, I believe abuse and poverty played an extremely big role. I tried so hard to change my life and make things better, but poverty and trauma from abuse always bring me back down. I tried to escape the shitty situation I was born into but it's impossible if you're always being pushed back down.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I'm curious about the circumstances of people who want to CTB. The reasons are also worth hearing.

This isn't me, but I'll wager a guess. It's depression of course, but I think people that are depressed from a young age tend to relapse more until eventually they can't take it. The more you relapse a mental disorder, the more likely you are to continue relapsing. Which makes sense, because being mentally ill makes your development behind other people and gives you a plethora of other issues. Until eventually you can't catch up, because you can't run from the illness anymore, and you ctb. Like a slow and painful death, but it's all in your head.

I want to know from individuals that want to just summerize what's going on in their respective lives.

I'm just weak. It's shown that the more privileged someone is, the more likely they are going to crack under pressure and ctb. Maybe this can explain gifted kid syndrome. Nothing terribly wrong is going on with my life, I had first been depressed and anxious since childhood because of existential depression. After that got better, I started relapsing depression again and again for no reason.

The last time I tried to ctb was literally because I didn't want to attend one of my major-required classes in university anymore. I had a dream that I violently ctb'd because of that class, and took it as a sign to try to do it for real. I hate my major, and wasn't allowed to drop out and the stress from trying to maintain my previous performance (4.0 kid) had me suicidal 24/7. It doesn't hold a candle to anyone else's issues I'm sure, but it might be cultural given how education is a really big reason for suicide in Asia.

Oh yeah, also because of unsupportive and emotionally absent parents. Who totally exacerbated my symptoms.

I'm also wondering if they can perceive a circumstance where they would NOT ctb if certain needs were met.

I stopped after going low contact with my parents and switching majors. Seems like this time my depression was mostly situational. But it isn't always. The time when it's terrible enough for me to ctb are always because of a situation, but my ability to tank hits is already low because I'm already tired from past depression.

Reading peoples stories helps me try to cope with my own feelings and thoughts about suicide. Any insight would be appreciate.

Any chance you wanna share your story? I could try to give you a place to start since I learned how to recover from people on this site. After years of failed therapy from so-called professionals.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My reason to consider CTB is simple: It's all about money. I can't generate the needed money anymore to have a good life in the age where I'm at until I naturally will die. Money is the fuel of our society and as I do not have any health issues and other problems yet this is the major reason why I consider CTB before my life quality further declines.

 

[CPY]

Severe OCD and being unable to live independently as a result

 

[Deleted member 65988]

My reason to consider CTB is simple: It's all about money. I can't generate the needed money anymore to have a good life in the age where I'm at until I naturally will die. Money is the fuel of our society and as I do not have any health issues and other problems yet this is the major reason why I consider CTB before my life quality further declines.

Same here, albeit its not a main factor though. Sometimes I really fail to see why I shouldn't end my life now, just because there's a chance it'll change in future, that doesn't mean it'll be a future where I'll be happy I didn't ctb. Yeah, unfortunately Money is pretty much all there is in this world.

 

[HealMyBrain]

Brain injury. I can't enjoy any of the things I used to anymore.
School went from easy to hard. I can't eat my favorite foods anymore. I've got so many appointments and doctors. I won't be able to live a normal life or do normal person things. I went from being so bright and so limitless to being... not that. It hurts. I want out, I don't want a "new me."

 

[§∆T∆π]

I'm not welcome to live. I'm not allowed to. My death will basically be the sign: just take it, you can have all of it, peacefully.

 

[chosenrandomly123]

CTB seems perfectly logical. As it has been said earlier on this thread, Existence = Suffering. No path in existence is without pain or suffering, regardless of personal circumstances, abilities, and wealth. The world is filled with suffering, atrocities, crime, hate, violence…and it's one giant rat race in which you work until you die…and even if you escape all that, old age is painful as your body slowly breaks down a little more everyday. And regardless of what you accomplish, even if you have money, wealth, or fame- what was the point of it all?

Furthermore, I think it's a massive misconception to assume all people who want to CTB are depressed. We just have our eyes opened to what existence and reality really mean (i.e. suffering). Acknowledging a basic fact does not mean one has a brain chemical imbalance (which is what depression is in clinical terms)….it's also why antidepressants haven't worked for many of us on this site.

 

[Sleeper System]

I have a screw loose in my head and have no friends, I live in a dysfunctional family that is also quite poor, I often unintentionally sabotage my own relationships with the people around me cos of my issues, everyone misunderstands me, ignores me and/or treats me harshly, and more.... all of these things lead to me being incredibly lonely and depressed and suicidal. I wish I was born normal, then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm dying inside every day.

I have many screws loose and some are just lost.
Being poor is the worst thing in the world. I hate it so much.
Almost wish an asteroid would hit us and restart this shit world.
Sadly, we live in the easiest time of human existence. People had it worse.

For myself personally, I believe abuse and poverty played an extremely big role. I tried so hard to change my life and make things better, but poverty and trauma from abuse always bring me back down. I tried to escape the shitty situation I was born into but it's impossible if you're always being pushed back down.

I know man. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.
We all have poverty and trauma in common.

CTB seems perfectly logical. As it has been said earlier on this thread, Existence = Suffering. No path in existence is without pain or suffering, regardless of personal circumstances, abilities, and wealth. The world is filled with suffering, atrocities, crime, hate, violence…and it's one giant rat race in which you work until you die…and even if you escape all that, old age is painful as your body slowly breaks down a little more everyday. And regardless of what you accomplish, even if you have money, wealth, or fame- what was the point of it all?

Furthermore, I think it's a massive misconception to assume all people who want to CTB are depressed. We just have our eyes opened to what existence and reality really mean (i.e. suffering). Acknowledging a basic fact does not mean one has a brain chemical imbalance (which is what depression is in clinical terms)….it's also why antidepressants haven't worked for many of us on this site.

I think it's that understanding of the futility of life that leads to depression and finally to CTB. Aside from my horrible life, I also know all of this struggle is ultimately pointless. I came to that conclusion my self personally before CTB ever crossed my mind.
Thank you everyone who contributed.
We're all very much alone and yet not alone.
I hope we can all find our cure for this exhausting thing we call life.

 

[bebebeep]

Im a 22 y/o shut-in. I have not been examined by a psychiatrist but I'm mentally slow on top of having emotional dysregulation and an inability to keep up in social settings. When I was 18 at the beginning of my last year of high school, I was behind on every subject (probably had to repeat a year at the pace I was going) and snapped when I missed a due date for an english assignment. Stopped attending school, cut off contact with everyone, and stayed in my room for 10 months without talking to anyone.

Family tried to help, brought me to the doctors (one of which told me to just exercise and stop using my phone), was sent to emergency, only to be redirected to the youth couselling service that I had already been to. Felt like my problems were being dismissed but that didn't matter because at that point I had no plans on staying here for too long. Have since holed myself up at home putting up a happy persona to keep my family from worrying.

I guess my main reason for ctb is that I don't see myself fitting in with the rest of the world, I never saw a future for myself even before high school, but my experience then just cemented those beliefs.