Venting what's the point man

[nooneyouknow]

I don't know. Sometimes I worry that I missed the bus many many years ago when it seemed like I had the balls to do it and no one close to me in such a proximity that has felt both deafening and securing.
I am ill. My heart is heavy and I have nothing left to distract me anymore from the miserable existence that is my life. I can't even find distractions in video games or books anymore. I feel empty .
I can only be loved as a fetish or a friend, either are only if I'm lucky. I am fat and just ugly by damn near anyone's standard. I'm rather boring and nothing really enticing about me that makes anyone want to interact with me. I have nothing going for me, I don't see a point in this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore there was no point. Hate my shitty ass childhood that I don't think I can even remember at this point. I can only assume that its to blame for the way I turned out. My memory is so skewed and fuzzy and the brain fog is getting to me more than I ever want to admit anything in life. I have written my notes out, I have trashed them and then wrote more. I need to get out. My own skin feels unbearable and I cannot fix it. I wasn't made for having friends.
Nothing in this life is enjoyable anymore. I went out recently to this really cool event and it was a gift and expensive and I just couldn't feel myself having genuine fun or care in the moment, much as I wanted to. I can hardly even remember it. I don't like leaving my room and I think its better if I keep staying in here the way I have been. Its almost criminal to make anyone else bear the sight that is me. I feel like a burden onto everyone I meet and i'm so hesitant to making friends knowing the damage I'll cause them. I do my best to avoid them. I don't know how to cut off my current friend. very least contact her less and have it be peaceful on her end. We've grown too close. Time needs to hurry and do its thing because Jesus christ. I only recently figured out what day of the week it was, which I know that sounds stupid, its on my phone, but I really just haven't registered anything going on in my life in months. I am filled with such a dread that is so unbearable and ever-consuming, I don't think I will ever get better and I don't think I was meant for life. I know early as kindergarten I wanted this to be over, re-tellings from my own mother. I seriously wasn't meant to be here. I am too much yet not enough. I started waking up at 5am and its been annoying for me, I haven't slept through the day in a bit. Staying up all night in solitude was nice because then I could rationalize being alone by everyone else being asleep.
I had the house to myself for a small while the other day. I cried and screamed and it was therapeutic. I think that was some of the most genuine emotions I've felt in months. I'm not sure if that was relieving or not. I would kill for a sharpener rn LMAO. Something to help. I ate some genuine food earlier. Feel bad about it. I've been doing good with eating less, it feels like I have control over something if nothing else. When I talk to my friend about any lighter issue she doesn't know how to respond and she admitted recently she fears its making me worse. And in part, truthfully, it is. I am beyond help, no one likes being aware of that fact. Im forever there for her at her worst , I don't blame her for not being able to reciprocate, Its not her job to make me feel better. Especially to the degree that I am ill. I plan on ghosting her soon, or trying to. I leave for school soon enough and it can't be that hard to get by without talking too much. I have yet to message her today so it's a slow progress thing. I wasn't meant for life. I wasn't meant for this.
Im tired and I feel so gross and bad about everything. Truly just a genuine waste of everyone's time, money and resources.

 

[StupidCat]

It's good to cry, it's good consider one's emotions and feelings. It's good to be able to represent it on some paper or words.
To your questions. There's not really a point. And plenty of them at the same time. Which one is right for you it's often not so clear to see.
Because there's really no 'point' as in we don't have a path, especially not in this era. We can try at least forge one but it seems helpless when one's alone.
You don't really have to beat yourself too hard, there's no point to that either. Sadly we exist aimlessly and we can only hope for some kind of redemption through actions or inaction. Let us just enjoy the little bits of beauty in what we have left to live, because it seems that's one of the few reasons we came to exist.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I don't know. Sometimes I worry that I missed the bus many many years ago when it seemed like I had the balls to do it and no one close to me in such a proximity that has felt both deafening and securing.
I am ill. My heart is heavy and I have nothing left to distract me anymore from the miserable existence that is my life. I can't even find distractions in video games or books anymore. I feel empty .
I can only be loved as a fetish or a friend, either are only if I'm lucky. I am fat and just ugly by damn near anyone's standard. I'm rather boring and nothing really enticing about me that makes anyone want to interact with me. I have nothing going for me, I don't see a point in this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore there was no point. Hate my shitty ass childhood that I don't think I can even remember at this point. I can only assume that its to blame for the way I turned out. My memory is so skewed and fuzzy and the brain fog is getting to me more than I ever want to admit anything in life. I have written my notes out, I have trashed them and then wrote more. I need to get out. My own skin feels unbearable and I cannot fix it. I wasn't made for having friends.
Nothing in this life is enjoyable anymore. I went out recently to this really cool event and it was a gift and expensive and I just couldn't feel myself having genuine fun or care in the moment, much as I wanted to. I can hardly even remember it. I don't like leaving my room and I think its better if I keep staying in here the way I have been. Its almost criminal to make anyone else bear the sight that is me. I feel like a burden onto everyone I meet and i'm so hesitant to making friends knowing the damage I'll cause them. I do my best to avoid them. I don't know how to cut off my current friend. very least contact her less and have it be peaceful on her end. We've grown too close. Time needs to hurry and do its thing because Jesus christ. I only recently figured out what day of the week it was, which I know that sounds stupid, its on my phone, but I really just haven't registered anything going on in my life in months. I am filled with such a dread that is so unbearable and ever-consuming, I don't think I will ever get better and I don't think I was meant for life. I know early as kindergarten I wanted this to be over, re-tellings from my own mother. I seriously wasn't meant to be here. I am too much yet not enough. I started waking up at 5am and its been annoying for me, I haven't slept through the day in a bit. Staying up all night in solitude was nice because then I could rationalize being alone by everyone else being asleep.
I had the house to myself for a small while the other day. I cried and screamed and it was therapeutic. I think that was some of the most genuine emotions I've felt in months. I'm not sure if that was relieving or not. I would kill for a sharpener rn LMAO. Something to help. I ate some genuine food earlier. Feel bad about it. I've been doing good with eating less, it feels like I have control over something if nothing else. When I talk to my friend about any lighter issue she doesn't know how to respond and she admitted recently she fears its making me worse. And in part, truthfully, it is. I am beyond help, no one likes being aware of that fact. Im forever there for her at her worst , I don't blame her for not being able to reciprocate, Its not her job to make me feel better. Especially to the degree that I am ill. I plan on ghosting her soon, or trying to. I leave for school soon enough and it can't be that hard to get by without talking too much. I have yet to message her today so it's a slow progress thing. I wasn't meant for life. I wasn't meant for this.
Im tired and I feel so gross and bad about everything. Truly just a genuine waste of everyone's time, money and resources.

Well, technically, the bus comes for all of us eventually. It will be over soon either way. That's what I say sometimes.