Discussion What's the main driving force stopping you from departing?

[Nightmare Painting]

I'm waiting on my family to go on vacation so I can finally end it with some peace. It would be far too suspicious of me to be gone for more than a couple of hours so a hotel is probably out of the question. I'm tired and I know it's my time to exit but I can't leave until I'm 100% certain that no one will interfere.

I'm also missing a dopamine antagonist since mine expired so that's a bit of a worry too and my original source doesn't exist anymore.

 

[gr1lledcheese]

Upsetting my friends, and my sister. My parents died decades ago. I lost a brother when I was in my teens, and this year I lost my other brother. My sister is married with kids and grandkids so if I ctb she won't be alone. Still I hate the thought of hurting her.

 

[AllMyDreams]

My mom and sister, but also the fear I might be reincarnated into a worse life than I have now.

 

[WonderingSoul]

I want to play more video games.

 

[Wkoncuodejde]

W ten sposób moja matka straciła brata. Obawiam się, że nie byłaby w stanie tego znieść ze mną. Ale czuję, że w końcu nie mogę tego znieść.

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

My dog, my parents and my brother. After my parents and my dog die I'll ctb.

 

[eternalpeace]

Three things:

One is my parents, with whom I am living. They made many sacrifices for me, including remortgaging their house to pay for me to do my undergrad at a prestigious university on the other side of the country. (I have debt from the education I pursued thereafter, so I can only imagine how much worse off I would be if I had needed loans for undergrad as well). Despite my MS, I can still help around the house to a certain degree, and my mom likes me to watch tv with her, and to act as a buffer when my Dad is annoying her, which is most of the time. ;) I sometimes feel like I should stick around and help as much as I can.

The second is access to a reliable method. I do have something in the works, but it's not quite as reliable as I would like. I worry that if I fail, I will be left incapacitated, in even more agony, and physically unable to carry out another attempt, or at least have fewer death options available. As a result, I suffer from "analysis paralysis" in settling on a method for my next attempt. Every time I think I have a solid plan, I envision all the things that could go wrong, and I go back to the drawing board, canvassing the various options all over again...

The third are these very odd, sporadic yet intense bursts of hope. Usually this happens when I am in a hypomanic state, but sometimes it comes out of the blue. I imagine myself somehow overcoming everything and having a redemption story about turning my life around in middle-age. It's vague, but I see myself going on speaking tours, advocating for mental health and MS research, and inspiring hundreds, nay thousands, of people! Sometimes it's less dramatic than that, and I envision myself somehow getting well enough to go back to school (and magically having the money to do so) and becoming a teacher, or getting well enough to work at a call centre somewhere, with just enough money to pay the bills, but it's 9-5 so I have time to myself. The hope tends to crop up right when I'm solidifying my plans, causing me to postpone my attempt yet again, just to see if the hope has any merit. Then it fades, and I feel stupid, as if I've fallen for the same trick for the hundredth time. Some might say that these bouts of hope are a sign that I don't really want to die, or even that I'm meant to stay alive. Or it could just be the "magical thinking" that my illness pushes me into…I don't know what, if anything, it actually means, but it has stopped me in the past.

 

[BittersweetSymphony]

Pure cowardice. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm afraid of the unknown, so I continue living with the misery I know instead of leaping into the great beyond.

I read that the musician Avicii died from blood loss after intentionally cutting himself with a broken wine bottle. As an alcoholic with a penchant for self-harm, I can actually see myself going out that way. Sitting at home in a state of drunken self-loathing, maybe I knock over a glass and it breaks. Instead of cleaning it up like a normal person, I take it as another sign that I'm a worthless piece of shit and start cutting myself with the shards. Only I'm drunk and don't realize how deep I'm going, and I bleed out on the floor like a dumbass.

 

[lyles]

My family. It would ruin them if I did it and I can't stand knowing the pain they would be in. It is hard because I feel so strongly about it sometimes and have been longing for it lately especially. If my parents pass though then I won't live on, even though I adore my siblings I couldn't stand to live in a world without them either. I just also never want to know the pain of losing them so it feels like a lose-lose. Mostly I just hope nowadays I will die via a car accident or medical thing. Anything that isn't suicide but will take me before any of my family would be wonderful.

 

[The Howling Void]

For me at least, it's lack of substance availability.

I won't say exactly where I am, but just defining the Oceania region should give you enough of a hint to clue you in to where I am.
I'm not sure whether it's due to regulations or what-not, but it's becoming almost impossible to find a reliable way to obtain SN, I've got everything else I need other than the driving ingredient.
All CN shops that do have stock of the right kind require a license to purchase which is very annoying. My country also completely restricted the sale of SN through all online marketplaces.
If anything, the restriction of it only makes me desire it more, which isn't a fantastic feeling.

What about you? Why haven't you CTB yet? (this isn't a call to action, only a question. do not do anything you're not ready for.)

The fear of death and the unknown. As scary as my actual future is, it's something I can conceive. Nonexistence is incomprehensible. Sadness, happiness, everything is a frame to my existence. Also, fear of actually dying: the experience of my body slipping out of life. They're terrifying. So either way, my future is full of terrible things I cannot avoid, but I can conceptualize what that future entails. So I'm terrified of the future, and I'm terrified of dying. It fucking sucks. Life is a prison: living sucks and so does facing death.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Some of the media I've listed in this thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/dumb-s-youre-looking-forward-to-in-2022.80845/

I'd hate to miss some of these before I go. That's really it.

 

[justashadow]

For me at least, it's lack of substance availability.

I won't say exactly where I am, but just defining the Oceania region should give you enough of a hint to clue you in to where I am.
I'm not sure whether it's due to regulations or what-not, but it's becoming almost impossible to find a reliable way to obtain SN, I've got everything else I need other than the driving ingredient.
All CN shops that do have stock of the right kind require a license to purchase which is very annoying. My country also completely restricted the sale of SN through all online marketplaces.
If anything, the restriction of it only makes me desire it more, which isn't a fantastic feeling.

What about you? Why haven't you CTB yet? (this isn't a call to action, only a question. do not do anything you're not ready for.)

My children. I don't want them to be in the pain I am, or worse. But sometimes I feel like they would be better off without me… On good days I know it would wreck them. On bad days, I feel like it would free them.

 

[Life sucks]

Lack of method

 

[ChoooseLife]

I'm now a parent and couldn't leave my child without a mother. I believe the damage/pain I'd cause would be greater than any pain I'm experiencing today. It does make me feel sad and guilty that sometimes my child has to witness my depression but I do believe it's better than the alternative.

 

[marinekiwi]

My cats and ultimately my mom and my brother.
We had this conversation in Christmas eve dinner. A neighbor who lived in an apartment building a few blocks down the road threw himself over the window on december 23. He was like 24 yo or something, lived with parents.
My mom kept on saying that old line: 'how could those parents not know?'

Of course, I never told my family my wish to ctb. That neighbor also didn't, apparently.
Well, I told my mom in a very subtle way that it should be everyone's right to end their lives if they so want to, and that not every parent or relative is able to notice or willing to understand someone with depression.

I didn't push the subject any further, as it was clear that the whole suicide theme was very taboo for my mom and made no sense at all.
It made me think that, if I ctb, my mom would be absolutely devastated beyond belief. I don't want to hurt her so much.
I sometimes stare at the bottle of SN i have and wish i could just gulp it down all of the sudden and be done.

 

[maakies]

My partner. My parents. My brother. That's it. Feel like a zombie of a person existing otherwise. Last time I threatened suicide my partner threatened to leave. I said, fine. He backtracked immediately. He knows if he leaves I'm pretty much cutting out the one thing that keeps me going. It's tough. It's no way for either of us to live. I would rather have him fall out of love with me beforehand.

 

[Death is beautiful]

I have everything for it but I can't CTB the next 8 months for some reasons.

 

[AreWeWinning]

i was putting off ctb for the longest time because i was willfully isolating myself from the pressures of social life and had moved to a completely new place so it was kind of easy to construct an imagined reality for myself. but it's very much temporary and whenever i do brush with old friends, it's mortifying and very quickly breaks that shield ive created for myself. i think eventually i won't be able to protect myself anymore since running away isn't real life and will end up feeling cornered into ctb.

You say "imagined reality", but what do you mean by that? If you isolated yourself from people who make you suicidal, that's not imagined reality, that is real reality. You say running away isn't real life, but why? Who defines what normal is or what you are supposed to or not supposed to do?

I'm not trying to criticize you or something, I struggle with similar issues myself. Old friends who claim to be friends or even seek my company, but whenever I interact with them, I feel emotionally drained. Same is true for some family members.

Some time ago I came to the realisation I'm better off alone than be surrounded by people who are emotionally draining to be around. Yes, they'll make you feel guilty, and there are emotional games of infinite complexity, so I don't even try to figure it out anymore, I just cut these people out.

It's not always simple, because it usually comes with sacrifice and collateral damage. But when I notice myself thinking too much on a regular basis, then it's clear that I am the loser, and that collateral damage is probably worth it. This also creates room for other activities and keeping busy, which also helps.

As I said, I'm struggling with this too, because you can't just cut everyone out. But I'm much more comfortable with being alone than before.

 

[Someone123]

For me it's getting my life as prepared as possible to minimize issues in case an attempt doesn't work.

 

[AreWeWinning]

What about you? Why haven't you CTB yet? (this isn't a call to action, only a question. do not do anything you're not ready for.)

I can't accurately judge the chances of me having a life I want in the future. I strongly feel the odds are against me, and the chances are less and less, but they are not 0, and it keeps me going.

I often feel like I'm trying so hard, banging my head against walls constantly, working on myself, while some people are just living life ad-hoc, on autopilot, and everything comes to them without even struggling or trying. I often feel like I'm just not fit for life, and set up for failure. So why struggle? On the other hand, I realise that some people have it even worse than me, and maybe there is value in me after all that shouldn't be thrown away just like that. This is what prevents me.

My logical mind says I should do it, but whenever I start to think about it really seriously, I get into a dark emotional state, and I get frightened and scared to go down on that path. But maybe this is what I should do. Just explore how deep I can go, and if I'm lucky I can get there and do it.

Sometimes I feel like I should just make up my mind, and treat it as any other project. I have done difficult things in my life, so how difficult can this one be? Surely there is a way to overcome my survival instinct, I just need to find it.

 

[Wingspan]

Anti civil rights laws. If I we're an American citizen I'd be granted a dignified, painless death. I live in a nation of masochistic cowards who need to be told what to think, and actively work with their masters to ensure that they cannot escape the leash they are tied by. Their descendants will condemn them from the confines of their amazon cubicle.

 

[fox_wannabe]

fear

 

[mistvissione11e]

Hopes of seeing myself become someone great that could potentially do many big things in this life and school. I was always a fairly good student. My gpa pretty high and being top rank and now in school again deciding my profession. I feel that i could make it in an interest of mine but i stand to be a bit delusional in enacting what I do that must be done to get there. Even after I get there what will i feel that is any different from now? I have nearly always been able to achieve what i've wanted and none of it has given me any satisfaction or feeling to be proud of. I realize that it might not be any different too, to obtain this life I could Potentially live. Therefore nothing is stopping except planning my time accordingly and place precisely. Time drags me for however long it takes or until perhaps I realize I failed in providing myself a truthful belief of my final moment.

 

[Chaestergram]

I tried many times but it's like every time there's something preventing me to, at first I just wanted to experience life, travel to most the countries I wanted and most importantly my passion so I kept telling me at 16, at 18, then 25 for the moment I passed the first 2 floors but now I guess that what keeps me going is that I have priorities and engagements towards my partner and tbh even if he would left i would still keep going on cause I know I can do so much and better in life, especially knowing that I was recovering for 2 years and felt like I was finally alive and truly at peace and then I met my partner and all those thoughts and issues came back to life so I guess that in some ways it's also to prove him wrong.

 

[Salkak]

My mother and siblings. Even after suffering for 9 years, there is a tiny part of me that still hopes that things might get better in future. Also, kind of scared of pain... Or maybe I'm just a coward.

 

[Snake of Eden]

What's stopping me from departing? Not just my husband & our bond, I'm not that noble. I'm very defiant/spiteful, & I can't let my father/molester win, which is pretty stupid because I'm reminded that the dead asshole has won already every single day.

i feel the same way. Life has won but I dont want to give it the pleasure of killing myself over it. Im too spiteful for it

 

[WonderlandsFallen]

My family and the fear of pain. There's a lot that can go wrong and I'm scared of that. And I really don't wish to have my family discover my dead body.

 

[Trjan]

Can't bear the thought of how it would affect my family and friends

 

[samsaragothands]

You say "imagined reality", but what do you mean by that? If you isolated yourself from people who make you suicidal, that's not imagined reality, that is real reality. You say running away isn't real life, but why? Who defines what normal is or what you are supposed to or not supposed to do?

I'm not trying to criticize you or something, I struggle with similar issues myself. Old friends who claim to be friends or even seek my company, but whenever I interact with them, I feel emotionally drained. Same is true for some family members.

Some time ago I came to the realisation I'm better off alone than be surrounded by people who are emotionally draining to be around. Yes, they'll make you feel guilty, and there are emotional games of infinite complexity, so I don't even try to figure it out anymore, I just cut these people out.

It's not always simple, because it usually comes with sacrifice and collateral damage. But when I notice myself thinking too much on a regular basis, then it's clear that I am the loser, and that collateral damage is probably worth it. This also creates room for other activities and keeping busy, which also helps.

As I said, I'm struggling with this too, because you can't just cut everyone out. But I'm much more comfortable with being alone than before.

i understand where you're coming from, but my isolation comes from a place of unhappiness and self-doubt, not empowerment. it's an imagined reality because i'm living on autopilot and face no real consequences for my actions or make any real progress because there is no effort. it's not a place i expect many people to relate to being in, because it's a place that comes from practiced isolation and self-denial over a very long period of time.

 

[Zzzzz]

SI is the only thing keeping me alive. There is nothing in this world I want to live for and very little to look forward to. I hate every single day that I'm alive and find myself unable to end it.