Discussion what's something that is holding you back/making it hard to CTB?

[needrelief18]

Survival instinct - the act of dying is instinctually scary.

 

[tiyijinn]

Survival Instinct

 

[todeswunsch]

Inertia and lack of energy / motivation.
Too much work, if it was just a button in a menu I was already gone

 

[loser098]

Lethargy, an utter lack of will (to do anything beyond lying in bed) and this faint hope that my favorite person will come back to me and everything will be normal again.

Deep down I know it's probably extremely unlikely..

 

[ripberman]

In no particular order:

1. Need to clean up my place. If my family knew how I have been living these past few months, it would only add to their distress.
2. Need to write something. I want my family + friends to know that it isn't their fault.
3. Fear that things will go wrong and I'll be forced to live. I am not scared of dying, but to live on in a crippled body, as a constant source of shame for my family....no thank you.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

Honestly the people, I don't want to abandon anyone I have still left, although it is just a few people, even so I don't wish to completely abanonden them. If it were not for that, I would already have done that, although it is still highly questionable how long will I be able to not CTB and do it despite it all.

 

[february in alaska]

In no particular order:

1. Need to clean up my place. If my family knew how I have been living these past few months, it would only add to their distress.
2. Need to write something. I want my family + friends to know that it isn't their fault.
3. Fear that things will go wrong and I'll be forced to live. I am not scared of dying, but to live on in a crippled body, as a constant source of shame for my family....no thank you.

Cleaning is definitely on my list too, even if I don't feel like I have any motivation to get around to it. Not just the physical stuff, but old journals, internet histories, rants, vents, all of it. Obviously they know I'm mentally ill but I don't want them to know how bad it was

 

[alexx_m]

For me it's three reasons. First is family, it would really hurt my mother and I'd like to at least leave some money for her and have my affairs in order, and some nice memories with her before I go. She's quite old so ideally, she'd go before me to avoid unnecessary pain.
Second is that my partner ctb-ed which traumatised me. I went from wanting to die to being terrified of doing it. I am hoping after some time passes this fear will go away again.
Third, is that my preffered method is N (in my own home). As right now there are no online sources, I intend to get it myself in person. But I need to prepare financially and emotionally for that journey as the thought of travelling with it gives me a lot of anxiety.

 

[FRUSTRATED MIND]

I'm trying to live life although it's a torture for me. At least I'm trying, I'll catch the bus soon when I'm that I will get get better. I wish I was dead now.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I swear, everytime i think I'm gonna ctb, I feel bad for my mom who is always tired and then I think about how much this could tear things to absolutely shreds for everyone but then I also think about how I don't want to be here any longer.

 

[Naitachal11]

Not knowing how to source what I need. I'm not as computer literate as I need to be to find materials. I don't know how to use tor, or even a VPN. My health is my reasoning - I want to go out with dignity on my own terms before my health takes the ability to do it away.