Discussion what's something that is holding you back/making it hard to CTB?

[february in alaska]

Hopefully this doesn't come across as some toxic positivity "give me some reasons why you want to stay alive" bullshit. Although if you're in recovery/intentionally staying alive for some reason, you're welcome to say that as well. I'm guessing a lot of us have similar reasons (family, SI, no source, etc) but I'd be interested if someone has something else

For me, I fully plan on catching the bus in a few months regardless, but some of the most difficult things so far have been:
- Trying to mitigate my loved ones' grief
- Behaving "normally" in the meantime
- Finding a suitable location

And not being able to find a source for N or SN, which would be my first two preferred methods.... which is why I'm set on hanging for now

 

[inanotherlife]

definitely family and realizing how it will impact them so much.
making sure to make plans for the future. like travel plans that aren't real or concerts "I'm going to" so my family isn't concerned about me

 

[wtg]

Fear, im to afraid to kill myself

 

[sad_rock]

sourcing materials for peaceful ctb

 

[february in alaska]

definitely family and realizing how it will impact them so much.
making sure to make plans for the future. like travel plans that aren't real or concerts "I'm going to" so my family isn't concerned about me

Yeah that second one is something I need to work on too. I'm just terrible at lying, I think. Every time my family talks about the future past my CTB date I feel like I'm sucking on a lemon lmao

 

[DeadHead]

Fear and intense rage. I believe in an eye for an eye and want retribution before I leave.

 

[inanotherlife]

Yeah that second one is something I need to work on too. I'm just terrible at lying, I think. Every time my family talks about the future past my CTB date I feel like I'm sucking on a lemon lmao

It's a total disconnect. it makes me sad to not be here for some ppls birthday. you can write a letter to your future self so maybe I'll do that to send bday cards.
I also gotta do my taxes so they don't have to. it opens in January tho so perfect timing.

 

[february in alaska]

Fear and intense rage. I believe in an eye for an eye and want retribution before I leave.

Damn, fair enough. No pressure to answer, but is it retribution against specific people or more like the world or society as a whole?

 

[ssadbrownie]

Fear and intense rage. I believe in an eye for an eye and want retribution before I leave.

Damn this is me. I want to kms but really want to get revenge on those who've hurt me

 

[donehere24]

I guess I want to wait until after my grandparents die and so that I can see my favorite band live. That's all.

 

[DeadHead]

Damn, fair enough. No pressure to answer, but is it retribution against specific people or more like the world or society as a whole?

Specific people in the medical mafia who falsified my records claiming I turned down neurosurgery for a brain tumour when I was never offered it. After gaslighting me and ignoring my symptoms for 6 years leading to avoidable late diagnosis. Now it's too big and the symptoms are awful and I'm left dealing with everything alone.

I could self publish a book I guess, but everytime I try to start writing I get so wound up I have to stop.

 

[anon789]

I'm the one holding me back. I'm not sure I can overcome my SI. I have everything I need: SN, benzos, meto. If dying was as simple as a button, I could, and would have done it - but it's not that simple. SN ideally requires fasting and timed consumption. I'm not confident in myself to be able to do it. I'll likely chicken out.

 

[february in alaska]

It's a total disconnect. it makes me sad to not be here for some ppls birthday. you can write a letter to your future self so maybe I'll do that to send bday cards.
I also gotta do my taxes so they don't have to. it opens in January tho so perfect timing.

For what it's worth, I think both of those are really kind things to do. I know this January is going to be a bitch to get through for a lot of people on here, myself included. Best of luck to you, I hope all goes well

Specific people in the medical mafia who falsified my records claiming I turned down neurosurgery for a brain tumour when I was never offered it. After gaslighting me and ignoring my symptoms for 6 years leading to avoidable late diagnosis. Now it's too big and the symptoms are awful and I'm left dealing with everything alone.

I could self publish a book I guess, but everytime I try to start writing I get so wound up I have to stop.

Jesus christ, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. Seriously, just... wow. This world is so fucking unfair. Good luck with your plans, I hope you can find some kind of closure or peace by the end of all this

I'm the one holding me back. I'm not sure I can overcome my SI. I have everything I need: SN, benzos, meto. If dying was as simple as a button, I could, and would have done it - but it's not that simple. SN ideally requires fasting and timed consumption. I'm not confident in myself to be able to do it. I'll likely chicken out.

SI does what SI does best. At least you know you have it if/when you need it. I've always felt more comfortable living, even just for a while longer, when I know that I have a way out

 

[DyingToDie123]

Sourcing materials, some guilt about affecting family, and a little fear/SI I think.

 

[anon789]

SI does what SI does best. At least you know you have it if/when you need it. I've always felt more comfortable living, even just for a while longer, when I know that I have a way out

Great point. It almost makes me feel like the time I'm living now is deliberate because I have an escape ready to go. I just want to be sure this is what I want and make a rational suicide (if that is even possible.) You think I'll know when the time is right?

 

[Unknown21]

Lack of preparations.

 

[february in alaska]

Great point. It almost makes me feel like the time I'm living now is deliberate because I have an escape ready to go. I just want to be sure this is what I want and make a rational suicide (if that is even possible.) You think I'll know when the time is right?

I like to think so. I think the most peaceful suicides are the ones that are chosen freely.... not simply done out of desperation, or fear, or because there's a time limit. Being able to have the option means you get to choose how much time you have left, whether that means days or years. And obviously, having a method doesn't mean you're obligated to go through with it as soon as possible, or at all. It just gives you control over your life and a safety net if you ever need it. I think the word "deliberate" describes it really well

I know all of that is easier said than done though. whatever you decide, I hope it goes well for you

 

[Vesiira]

Hopefully this doesn't come across as some toxic positivity "give me some reasons why you want to stay alive" bullshit. Although if you're in recovery/intentionally staying alive for some reason, you're welcome to say that as well. I'm guessing a lot of us have similar reasons (family, SI, no source, etc) but I'd be interested if someone has something else

For me, I fully plan on catching the bus in a few months regardless, but some of the most difficult things so far have been:
- Trying to mitigate my loved ones' grief
- Behaving "normally" in the meantime
- Finding a suitable location

And not being able to find a source for N or SN, which would be my first two preferred methods.... which is why I'm set on hanging for now

i'm torn between a couple different ways to do it. not sure which will feel easier to me. lots of tension lately in the family and if i CTB right now it'll make everything worse for them. especially my grandma, she's 96 so i keep debating on waiting until after she passes. i know i shouldn't care, because i'd be gone and finally at peace. i just don't want that to be on my mind as i CTB. i'm absolutely not staying alive for me though. it sucks.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

Revenge. I want to take revenge on my enemies. At the same time, I screwed up a lot in august. Already wrote about this in messages.

 

[february in alaska]

i'm torn between a couple different ways to do it. not sure which will feel easier to me. lots of tension lately in the family and if i CTB right now it'll make everything worse for them. especially my grandma, she's 96 so i keep debating on waiting until after she passes. i know i shouldn't care, because i'd be gone and finally at peace. i just don't want that to be on my mind as i CTB. i'm absolutely not staying alive for me though. it sucks.

I feel this, but almost in an opposite kind of way. Although I want my family and loved ones to live happy lives after I'm gone, there's some kind of sick, selfish part of me that wishes they were all dead too, and I could be joining them in an afterlife outside of our current world, away from all the problems we have. But then the other (equally selfish) part of me is kind of glad I won't have to see any of them die or go through my own grief, which is terribly hypocritical :')

I know what it's like to not be alive for yourself, though. I'm sorry. It's really not something I would wish on anyone. Regardless of whether you wait or not, I hope it happens peacefully and that there's some way we'll be able to reunite with our family after all of this is over

Revenge. I want to take revenge on my enemies. At the same time, I screwed up a lot in august. Already wrote about this in messages.

Do you happen to have the link to your original post? I'm curious, although I understand if you don't feel like sharing specifics. Revenge is always an interesting answer to me, because I definitely have my own share of bitterness and resentment, but I find that mentally I'm just too exhausted to put any energy into it. Then again, I don't think anyone has ever personally wronged me or traumatized me enough for me to know how it really feels, so I definitely can't judge anyone for going down that path. I hope you find whatever you're looking for

 

[Sylveon]

My parents and the lack of any peaceful methods. :/

 

[HeckenFricken]

fear of what waits for me beyond death

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

Do you happen to have the link to your original post?

I don't deserve to breathe.

I don't deserve to breathe. I've made too many mistakes in my life. I betrayed myself, my essence, my core. I feel ugly. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I was beautiful, but I feel that I will never be able to get even close to my past self. The nonhumans who ruined my life and...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[UnwillingSavior]

Idk, this time of year is filled with so many birthdays and holidays, plus my anniversary with my gf, I really don't want to ruin this time of year for my family and gf forever. I'm running out of patience, though, and I won't be around to regret anything if I attempt and succeed, so it wouldn't matter anyways.

 

[permanently tired]

The preparation to ctb. I am considering swb or jumping but to do the. For swb I need a suitable body of water that is fairly clean and doesn't have any animals that could interfere (a lake near me has snapping turtles). I could use a bathtub but don't want to go home and also would prefer a deeper source so si is less likely to stop me. Jumping seems worse than drowning to me bc there are suicide barriers/nets in place on some bridges so I need to scout in person if the bridge is suitable and in the event I don't die I would suffer immensely. Drowning is my preferred method atm.

 

[FuneralCry]

The fact that suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible, it disgusts me how we aren't allowed a right to die in peace and are expected to continue suffering no matter what.

 

[kilowatt]

Nothing. Maybe a little fear of going wrong? But I keep hoping that won't be the case since I've planned this for so long. I never thought I'd be so at peace with the idea of death.

 

[lojogoeshome]

I'm in the final stages of preparation. I need to re-home my dog (the hardest remaining thing), finish getting rid of my belongings and getting memory boxes together for my kids (should they ever want them). I have to say goodbye to my remaining 3 family members and then I'll be ready. I've lost so much in life already- there's barely anything left to do and hopefully SI won't kick in at the end.

 

[ddn.ctb]

My goal is always to CTB at a moment of spontaneity.

While I am planning now and my CTB will be soon. I still want to make it feel spontaneous

 

[february in alaska]

Nothing. Maybe a little fear of going wrong? But I keep hoping that won't be the case since I've planned this for so long. I never thought I'd be so at peace with the idea of death.

I've felt a similar peaceful feeling a few times since solidifying my plan, I hope I can get to that point permanently :') it's so much better than dread and existential terror. almost makes death seem beautiful instead

Best of luck to you, I hope things work out