Discussion What's keeping you here... (for now)?

[trynacbt]

I'm almost ready to go; still have to write my notes, and make my peace with everything. Gonna stick around for another couple of weeks.

What's really keeping me here still is that I want to knit a blanket for my best friend as a parting gift.
Of everything in the world, I never thought knitting would be what would do that. I'm in my 20s...
It feels kind of sad, a little embarrassing, but also nice to be able to make something for someone I care about, as one of my last acts.

These days, I feel very grateful for SS, despite my ambivalent feelings on everything.

What's keeping you here?

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

My two pugs. They are very old. One is blind and deaf. I feel like they would be lost without me.

 

[WhiteDespair]

@trynacbt Star Wars Episode 3 kept me going for a while because if I CtB I wouldn't be able to see it in theaters. Yes, I had that conversation with myself a few times. So, wanting to make your best friend an extra meaningful gift is much more than that.

I'm still around because I don't have the answer to whether or not life and the effort I'd need to put into life is worth it. Without that answer I don't have a good determination.

 

[Rational Suicide]

I'm going up and down on this one but I feel very close to a point of terminal despair. Problem is I only really have one obvious method available in my flat and that's a knife. Painful and most likely ineffective. I've no effective noose imo since the scarves I've got are too stretchy and probably not long enough. Like so many times before I got home Thursday night and never wanted to leave my flat ever again.

 

[Lethe]

My grandparents, and my mom. Probably my bestie too, but he always tries to scare me with hellfire and all that BS, and it gets irritating after a while.

 

[Ratherbeskinny]

The fact that I'll lose everything and everyone if my attempt is a failure and I'll survive. I'll lose everything and everyone once I'm dead ofcourse, but then I wouldn't have to deal with that lol. I know it's selfish, but I just can't risk it. I guess the fear of death is also keeping me here rn. Sometimes I couldn't care less, but today has been a weird day. Not good, just weird.

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

I have to wait to wrap up a few things. My bankruptcy will be completed in a few weeks. I'm also waiting on both the meto and N. I have to pay off a bunch of bills, close as many accounts as I can I.e. car insurance and things like that. I'm trying so hard to wait until after Thanksgiving but it's literally torture everyday. I have to get my pup the kennel cough vaccine so I can have her boarded for a bit while I'm CTB and letting my "family" so to speak sort things out. The only true person keeping me here in this God forsaken place is my therapist. She's my only real friend as sad as it sounds. We're very close and talk often... I know she'll be heartbroken when I leave. But other than that and the Lord I have not a damn thing. My family is garbage and I barely talk or see them and my friends... well I have one from High School that I see every now and again. We are both in very different stages of our lives so it's really hard to relate. She's married and having kids while I'm over here being the loser that I am failing at everything and destroying my life. Just really time for me to go. I really have tried so hard to turn things around. I just am exhausted. Anyways, that's my reasoning for sticking around for a few more weeks.

 

[Rachel74]

Stepdad and my dogs and my partner x

 

[Notf1xable]

Trying to figure out how to get someone to find me. I need to figure out how to get a timed email or something figured out. I've rewritten my notes but I'm rewriting them in my handwriting tonight. I need to just figure out how to make sure someone finds me after the deed is done.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

Trying to figure out how to get someone to find me. I need to figure out how to get a timed email or something figured out. I've rewritten my notes but I'm rewriting them in my handwriting tonight. I need to just figure out how to make sure someone finds me after the deed is done.

In the resources mega thread there's information for sending a delayed email.

 

[BlessedOffal]

_in recovery_

I've learned and realized that some of my friends really care and want me around. I also might be falling for someone, which is ill timed and unexpected. But admittedly totally unavoidable the moment I met the dude. Life is so fucking weird.

Basically what's keeping me here, this time for kinda long, maybe, is newfound hope in humanity and/or endorphins.

 

[painoflife]

I'm trying to discreetly prepare my partner (who I am a carer for). I am trying to show him how to be more independent, make sure he knows utility suppliers for bills, show him easy meals to cook "incase I am ill" and just generally prepare him for life without me around.
Once I am satisfied I have done all I can then I will be more at ease with my decision to CTB.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

My sibling and boyfriend. And some little life goals i have in mind.

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

My parents. That´s literally it.

 

[sullengirl]

I wanted to give myself a 2 year period where I was sure that I wanted to ctb. I have no reason for waiting another few weeks really, I just wanna fuck around a little and have fun.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Trying to figure out how to get someone to find me. I need to figure out how to get a timed email or something figured out. I've rewritten my notes but I'm rewriting them in my handwriting tonight. I need to just figure out how to make sure someone finds me after the deed is done.

I checked earlier today. Gmail has this feature built in. There is an email on the Resources page with this feature. Other mail clients may offer this. If you know how to script you can do it manually via a triggered event.

 

[Dwilson1217]

My friends and my family for me. I just can't let them down right now, I'm the oldest of 5 , and my mom had me at 18 so we have a special bond.

 

[CyanideSoup]

I tried to go before but it didn't work and since I've been pretty much under surveillance by family so I haven't had a chance. Now I feel like it's too close to my daughters birthday and I don't want to ruin that for her so I need to wait now.

 

[Ayeitsalaska]

Apprehension, fear of faliure and afterlife

 

[JSauter]

The chance of locked-in syndrome via hypoxia scares the shit out of me.

 

[Notf1xable]

I checked earlier today. Gmail has this feature built in. There is an email on the Resources page with this feature. Other mail clients may offer this. If you know how to script you can do it manually via a triggered event.

Is the Gmail one safe? I had seen that a person here had a difficult experience with one site they had used, and ending up having the authorities check on them. I'm cautious cause even at my job one of my coworkers had a customer talk about ctbing and they called the police to check on the customer. The way the companies collect data I want to make sure when I do I'm not gonna have it go out early.

The chance of locked-in syndrome via hypoxia scares the shit out of me.

I've never heard of that before but now I'm gonna look it up.

 

[JSauter]

Do yourself a favor and don't.

 

[Notf1xable]

Do yourself a favor and don't.

Too late, I have some heart issues so I'm confident that I won't have that issue, and the antidote to the method I'm using I use to load I'm machines at our local hospital, and it is is pretty common. As long as I'm not discovered before I'm good, and I have my own place so that's not really a worry to me.

Used to load in the machines (sorry about the terrible grammar) ugh this is not my night.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Is the Gmail one safe? I had seen that a person here had a difficult experience with one site they had used, and ending up having the authorities check on them. I'm cautious cause even at my job one of my coworkers had a customer talk about ctbing and they called the police to check on the customer. The way the companies collect data I want to make sure when I do I'm not gonna have it go out early.

I've never heard of that before but now I'm gonna look it up.

I'm not sure. I do not have information one way or the other. You can always set up a burner email under a false name.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

Nothing but fear.

 

[thesongbird]

As I said about a year ago I'm still keeping hope that I'll meet someone who makes it all worth it, in which we help each other and experience safety from the others being. I havent made any progress, but Im not ready to give up hope either.

 

[Ame]

The guilt and fear of how my loved ones might react (I wouldn't want to make anyone ill or suicidal). My cat is another...although the desperation is overtaking that too. As stupid as it sounds, I can imagine that the people in my life will eventually come to terms with my choice and maybe even understand...but my cat obviously doesn't have the capacity to do so. She will only know that I am no longer around. She is the type of cat to cry and mope when I leave for errands so this would be something else.

Speaking logistically, I am currently sourcing and waiting on materials for my method of choice. I just want to make sure that things are done cleanly and that my CTB has the lowest impact on others as possible. It isn't ideal, because I would much rather not have to sneak about and lie, but I'm tired.

 

[RestingGirl23]

Dogs, my grandma, my mom. I feel like an asshole since my mom really loves children and her only daughter wants to kill herself. Also, If I fail I will get stigmatized for the rest of my life.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Certain holidays and birthdays that all seem to line up. My mum, then mine and my dads, then my brother and I try to give a month between so it's not so traumatizing (I know it will be anyway) but yeah.. Plus there are some games and movies I'd like to finish up.

 

[TrailerTrash]

Guilt -