What's it like to not be depressed?

[Felodese]

I'm not entirely sure where to post this, but here goes.

I've been depressed since early childhood, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like not to be depressed. I don't have a before - it's always been like this. And I really don't know who I would be if I wasn't depressed anymore.

So what I'm asking is this:

• Those of you who do have a before; what was it like not being depressed and how has depression changed you as a person?
• Those of you who have an after - who have recovered, at least at some point; what was it like coming out of depression? Had depression changed you?
• To those who are like me, in having no before, but who have recovered, at least at some point; what was that like? How did it change you as a person, and how did you feel about your new you?

 

[KillingPain267]

I forgot

 

[real human being]

no before and no after

 

[Looking]

TW: Mentions of suicide (obviously) - just stating it here because we're in the recovery section.

Spoiler: Backstory (Optional)

So, I had been depressed as long as I can remember. Anxious, too. I had been put into therapy at a such young age and haven't been out of it since. I was also put on so many medications and switched them often because none of them worked for my needs at the time. I had gotten to the point where I couldn't handle taking medicine and quit it altogether.

The peak was when I first joined the site, obviously, and I had intentions of ending it all from how painful life was. When depression is that long and intense, it's all you can think about. I even remember telling my family members suicide was the only option for the pain to end and none of them knew what to say to me at the time. (And that felt like confirmation I had to end it. It wasn't, but it's how I felt at the time.) I also had a lot of others issues on top of the depression, but the depression was the primary thing for me.

The only reason why I'm not dead is due to poor timing. The supplier I wanted to buy from got busted and arrested, with everyone who had purchased from him being looked into by police. Spooked me because I was a few days away from purchasing it. So I stayed away for a while.

My life has not changed at all. If anything, in a lot of regards, it's gotten worse. But I would say I'm in "recovery" from "suicide ideation". In my case, all previous medicine didn't work for me and because I had tried so many, I felt hopeless and didn't think medicine would work on me. I was a lost cause. However, I was listening to a podcast and the host spoke about a specific pill. I looked into it and thought I would try it. What the fuck did I have to lose? The first few months were hell trying to stabilize to the medicine, but it's changed my life forever.

I have not addressed any of the root causes of my depression. By all means, I'm still technically depressed and still need assistance. However, I'm not suicidal. And that alone has made me less depressed overall. When you're under the belief the solution is death, that type of depression is one of the deepest and darkest version of depression someone can experience, in my opinion.

I would say that my views on my personal life and most of my opinions on stuff are fairly similar to when I was severely depressed. Like, my core person did not change much.

What changed the most was the thoughts. There was never a break. There was never a moment of freedom or silence when I was severely depressed. Just pain. I felt empty, but my mind was never empty.

Now I have moments where I look at something and think of nothing. Legit, nothing. Just looking at something like my computer mouse and moving on (just a random example). Previously, if I looked at something like my mouse, I would think "All I do is waste my time online. I can't even afford a better mice, it's falling apart and it hurts to use. I have no money and no life. I can't enjoy the one thing I do every day." and so on.

You don't realize how LIFE CHANGING that is to someone who only knew the loud thoughts. Who only knew the emotions sadness, pain and misery. To feel or think of nothing is a GIFT. I thought I knew what it meant, but I truly didn't until I experienced it.

It changed me in ways it's hard to describe. It does change your view on life itself - that neutrality is bliss to someone who only knows negativity.

If you're in recovery or looking to recover - just look for neutrality. EVERYTHING becomes easier once you're able to stand in the middle of the scale.

 

[Felodese]

First of all, thank you for your answer.

However, I was listening to a podcast and the host spoke about a specific pill. I looked into it and thought I would try it. What the fuck did I have to lose? The first few months were hell trying to stabilize to the medicine, but it's changed my life forever.

May I ask what pill/meds it is?

I have not addressed any of the root causes of my depression. By all means, I'm still technically depressed and still need assistance. However, I'm not suicidal. And that alone has made me less depressed overall.

You don't realize how LIFE CHANGING that is to someone who only knew the loud thoughts. Who only knew the emotions sadness, pain and misery. To feel or think of nothing is a GIFT. I thought I knew what it meant, but I truly didn't until I experienced it.

It changed me in ways it's hard to describe. It does change your view on life itself - that neutrality is bliss to someone who only knows negnegativity.

Do you think that this change can make it easier to work on the things that made/kept you depressed?

I'm kind of assuming that you have tried SSRIs, some of which I have found to numb all feelings, and leaves you feeling painfully numb and empty - and still depressed.
Is this change you're experiencing anything like that, or is more of a neutral "nothing"-feeling?

 

[QueerMelancholy]

Hard for me to answer this question. Not because I don't think I didn't have a before depression but because it's hard to understand the question maybe my brain is too peculiar right now to think straight. Haha.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever been depressed 24/7 365 ever in my life like depressed continuously for long periods of time maybe weeks with my bipolar disorder but not for years or a long continuous stream of depression.

I find what helps me is understanding when I am sad and when I am depressed and trying my best to differentiate the two from each other. Sadness is normal for me and depression comes and goes with my BD. I also try my best not to let boredom become uncomfortable and try to remind myself not to spend that time ruminating on negative thoughts. I can feel uncomfortable and not be sad about it.

I'm 35 now though I think I have been dealing with BD so long that I don't really think I'm depressed all the time because I'm not. I find myself laughing and smiling and feeling joy and cheer and I enjoy letting myself be silly.

I think mostly now I am just bored too often and inconsolable with how absurd life is. Not life in general but human life. Such a strange noisy life we have created for ourselves. Like there's no space for not being typically human in it. Hard to describe it. I feel like we live so long for no great reason. Not that life needs a great reason but that my life seems to go on longer than I feel necessary. Haha. I don't want children I am fine being alone like I am not caring for anyone and my favorite person is me most days. Like why do I need to live 60-plus years? Makes no sense to me. I feel like I am waiting around to die and I don't even know if I feel depressed about it because I think life has some purpose even though it's not some grand amazing thing it's just whatever anyone makes it for themselves. But what of us who are bored of living? Not bored in the subtraction of whatever people believe makes life exciting but bored with just the time. So much time left to live, why?

Like normal people or even depressed people feel at odds with adding or subtracting things from their lives or missing out on things or FOMO or not having or getting this or that and I don't even know if I think I need a "purpose" to go I've had those here and there in my life I just feel bored with it all. Makes me laugh.

I know there's no point in it. I also know we have to give life meaning subjectively. But God I can talk myself in circles with how absurd it all ends up being the more I think about it. Nonsensical rambling and gibberish.

 

[Felodese]

Hard for me to answer this question. Not because I don't think I didn't have a before depression but because it's hard to understand the question maybe my brain is too peculiar right now to think straight. Haha.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever been depressed 24/7 365 ever in my life like depressed continuously for long periods of time maybe weeks with my bipolar disorder but not for years or a long continuous stream of depression.

I find what helps me is understanding when I am sad and when I am depressed and trying my best to differentiate the two from each other. Sadness is normal for me and depression comes and goes with my BD. I also try my best not to let boredom become uncomfortable and try to remind myself not to spend that time ruminating on negative thoughts. I can feel uncomfortable and not be sad about it.

I'm 35 now though I think I have been dealing with BD so long that I don't really think I'm depressed all the time because I'm not. I find myself laughing and smiling and feeling joy and cheer and I enjoy letting myself be silly.

I think mostly now I am just bored too often and inconsolable with how absurd life is. Not life in general but human life. Such a strange noisy life we have created for ourselves. Like there's no space for not being typically human in it. Hard to describe it. I feel like we live so long for no great reason. Not that life needs a great reason but that my life seems to go on longer than I feel necessary. Haha. I don't want children I am fine being alone like I am not caring for anyone and my favorite person is me most days. Like why do I need to live 60-plus years? Makes no sense to me. I feel like I am waiting around to die and I don't even know if I feel depressed about it because I think life has some purpose even though it's not some grand amazing thing it's just whatever anyone makes it for themselves. But what of us who are bored of living? Not bored in the subtraction of whatever people believe makes life exciting but bored with just the time. So much time left to live, why?

Like normal people or even depressed people feel at odds with adding or subtracting things from their lives or missing out on things or FOMO or not having or getting this or that and I don't even know if I think I need a "purpose" to go I've had those here and there in my life I just feel bored with it all. Makes me laugh.

I know there's no point in it. I also know we have to give life meaning subjectively. But God I can talk myself in circles with how absurd it all ends up being the more I think about it. Nonsensical rambling and gibberish.

I suppose the experience is very different when you have bp. In a way I've always been a bit jealous of people with bp, since you guys get to have highs and not just lows. And I assume that kowing that the depression is only temporary helps too.
From your post it seems like even though you're bored and don't feel like there's any meaning, you're still a lot more positive, and able to deal with it, than I am.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I suppose the experience is very different when you have bp. In a way I've always been a bit jealous of people with bp, since you guys get to have highs and not just lows. And I assume that kowing that the depression is only temporary helps too.
From your post it seems like even though you're bored and don't feel like there's any meaning, you're still a lot more positive, and able to deal with it, than I am.

I dunno I wouldn't call myself positive just realistic. Like I CAN see life has a purpose. I just feel like we spend a lot of it talking ourselves in circles trying to validate how we feel or seeking validation for how we feel from other people.

I just find it so strange overall. Like for some of us when we stop telling ourselves that things matter or w/e reasoning we use to make our lives seem worth living we get caught in this loop. It's like a cycle. A reaction to reactions. I feel like it even affects our environments and we find ourselves bouncing it off things and people.

But don't be jealous of BD. LOL The highs are usually worse than the depression. The depression is easier to deal with for me because I can talk myself out of feeling hopeless. Like when I look at the large picture of the universe and being such an insignificant part of it I can make my world as small as it needs to be and in that small world that sometimes is as large as I can extend my reach, it's easier to deal with. I try not to worry about all the things I'd probably never be able to fix.

But the more I think about it I'd say before the depression when I am not manic or hypomanic or even sad I just feel bored. Dealing with it is subjective too. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to deal with like some moral hierarchy or w/e. Medication and therapy don't exist in nature. If I was left to my own devices outside of society to live in nature I probably would have died a long time ago. I think that's part of why I find it all so absurd. Like we live so long we get bored and then get uncomfortable and then sad and that sadness can turn into depression. It's all so strange. Makes me giggle like an idiot. A symptom of symptoms causing symptoms.

 

[MelancholyMagic]

I've been depressed since early childhood, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like not to be depressed.

I sympathize with how you feel.

So-called "mental disorders" are a load of rubbish. But I find it funny that the DSM says this before giving the checklist for Major Depressive Disorder:

Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning

Change from previous functioning? If I've been depressed nearly my entire life, depression is my previous functioning! There is nothing to change.

 

[thealteredmind]

I'm not entirely sure where to post this, but here goes.

I've been depressed since early childhood, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like not to be depressed. I don't have a before - it's always been like this. And I really don't know who I would be if I wasn't depressed anymore.

So what I'm asking is this:

• Those of you who do have a before; what was it like not being depressed and how has depression changed you as a person?
• Those of you who have an after - who have recovered, at least at some point; what was it like coming out of depression? Had depression changed you?
• To those who are like me, in having no before, but who have recovered, at least at some point; what was that like? How did it change you as a person, and how did you feel about your new you?

well let's see.

<first point>

I've been depressed my entire life. it just got worse with every year, no matter what I have done.
I'm 31. when I look at 25 years old I can say "man... I was better at the time"

20 years old? little better

15? a bit more

and then... before 13 it starts to get complicated. I do remember that this started at 6 years old. for no reason at all. there's no trauma, no bad experiences... nothing. brain just works bad.

but the thing is... depression at 6 years old was small... but it was there. just... didn't see it at the time. but I remember having trouble concentrating, but for me.. I thought it was normal! Then fatigue appeared at 13 years old... and so and so.

But I cannot tell you... ah I wasn't depressed at 6 years old! the depression was there just, very small.

But anyways... what the hell is depression? we don't know... it's just a bunch of symptoms that have no solution.

I tried taking them apart, fixing them on their own... not possible.

<second point>

I don't know how it feels to NOT feel depressed... but I know how it feels to be relief from SOME symptoms and say "hey... life isn't that bad", so it's an improvement in depression.

only 3 experiences with a temporary improvement in depression. we are going to use symptoms as a measure

1) with psilocybin. microdosing. lasted 2 weeks. couldn't keep at it because at the time I developed severe insomnia (shrooms didn't cause that) so for some reason... days with poor sleep = shroom didn't work. so weird. and at that point the insomnia was driving me crazy...

shrooms gave me 10% improvement.
+ BIG boost in anti procrastinating behaviour. I did a project I was delaying for years. in 2 weeks I did more than in 5 years.
+ mood slightly better
+ more appreciative of life (slight)
+ some things stopped bothering me

and that's it.

2) lexapro
gave me... 2 months relief of 15% and 1 month relief of 30%... but this thing also ruined the little remnants of life I had. PSSD (full blown, not just sexual)

+ more open to talk to girls, to people
+ could concentrate better
+ felt relaxed
+ better pain tolerance
+ better mood
+ didn't feel overwhelmed by life
+ felt some joy, not a lot... but better
+ some imporvement in motivation, small. but started spontaneously taking photos (never did that)
+ enjoyed things bit more
+ felt less weak... I could handle life more!

3) anomaly
... several weeks ago... one day I woke up... and for no reason at all felt like a sudden improvement of 10%... from nowhere. maybe more. it only lasted 6hs. don't know how this happened, never managed to reproduce it.

+ better mood
+ more joy, life felt nice
+ all my senses were totally amplified, I noticed things more

---

so how do you define depression? for me it's a bunch of symptoms that at first thought they were... different problems you know? but once you find they cannot be fixed... doesn't matter what you do... then it becomes obvious there's something behind.

my symptoms

+ never had relationships with women, extreme difficulty
+ no interest in making friends
+ have trouble working, concentrating
+ can't relax
+ low pain tolerance
+ irritable
+ always tired. tired is a small word. the type of fatigue that robs all of your energy. so you are only able to do very few things per day
+ non refreshing sleep (I used to thrive on 6hs before a surgery, long story. now I need 8hs)
+ never went to college, didn't do any courses, or hobbies, nothing. took some classes but always dropped out
+ bad mood. mostly tired. not sad. just... tired. bleh
+ feel overwhelmed by small things
+ no joy in life. life has no meaning (life actually has inherent meaning)
+ no motivation to do stuff (I tried the FORCE YOURSELF, it was my motto my entire life. it doesn't work. you can force yourself, but if you don't feel pleasure... why doing them?)
+ being emotionally, psychologically weak. physically too
+ insomnia
+ weird symptoms like feeling a fog in my head/eyes/forehead. always sighing

 

[Felodese]

Change from previous functioning? If I've been depressed nearly my entire life, depression is my previous functioning! There is nothing to change.

This is a pet peeve of mine; everything is standardized after people experiencing their first depressive episode. They always assume that there was *normal* functioning before. The assessments and all treatments are based on this.
I've even had mental health workers tell me that it's impossible to have been depressed for this long.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Life was easy before depression, now it's really difficult and boring.

 

[sserafim]

I recovered from depression on my own, sometime early this year. I was never formally diagnosed with depression but my psychiatrist had wanted to put me on antidepressants last December. I declined because I heard they cause weight gain. Anyways, depression felt like a dark cloud hanging over my head and like I was drowning and wallowing in my misery. Now, I just feel fine

 

[Looking]

First of all, thank you for your answer.

May I ask what pill/meds it is?

Do you think that this change can make it easier to work on the things that made/kept you depressed?

I'm kind of assuming that you have tried SSRIs, some of which I have found to numb all feelings, and leaves you feeling painfully numb and empty - and still depressed.
Is this change you're experiencing anything like that, or is more of a neutral "nothing"-feeling?

It's bupropion (Brand name Wellbutrin). SSRIs didn't work for me at all, and I wasn't educated enough on antidepressants at the time to know that there's other types of antidepressants. Bupropion falls under NDRIs. SSRIs are related to serotonin levels in the brain. NDRIs are related to norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain. To overly simplify, norepinephrine helps with energy and focus and dopamine helps with reward and motivation, where serotonin is primarily mood regulation. My brain/depression responded better to the broader influence of NDRIs.

A lot of people report feeling "zombie like" with a lot of SSRIs. I did, too. However, as I currently understand it, there's not the same reported feeling for NDRIs. I can't say for sure, though. I looked into it because I was confused at first. For me, it's a neutral nothing. Like, just seeing the world for what it is and not for what it feels like. Clarity almost. For a while, it disturbed me to feel neutral. I thought it was numbness because it was new, but it's not the same thing. It took me a while to realize that difference. I also thought I couldn't be sad anymore, when in reality it was just chronic depression I wasn't experiencing anymore. I still have my full range of emotions, just less intense, but it was all I knew at the time was intense so I didn't understand.

The change has made it easier for me to manage everything in general. When you're not crippled by depression, it's easier to work on the minor stuff of life. It also helped with motivation which was a huge struggle that I didn't realize I had at the time.

When I was severely depressed, whenever I felt helpless, I felt slighted as well or resentful. I felt helpless because someone else took control from my life. In regards of the forum, the most common feeling is feeling like you can't end your life because your family won't "let" you (as an example). That's a feeling of being slighted and you hold resentment towards those people for making you suffer.

Now, whenever I feel helpless, it's simply because I can't change the situation. There's a acceptance that it's not my fault, rather than someone did me wrong. It is just what it is. You feel the emotion for what it is, how it's meant to feel, as it is. You don't lose your range of emotions, but you experience it how it's meant to be.

I suggest you try it if you feel like you're okay with experimenting with something like that.

 

[Felodese]

It's bupropion (Brand name Wellbutrin).

Ok, I've tried it. It had no effect at all for me - but then again, it had less side effects than SSRIs.

I thought it was numbness because it was new, but it's not the same thing. It took me a while to realize that difference. I also thought I couldn't be sad anymore, when in reality it was just chronic depression I wasn't experiencing anymore. I still have my full range of emotions, just less intense, but it was all I knew at the time was intense so I didn't understand.

The change has made it easier for me to manage everything in general. When you're not crippled by depression, it's easier to work on the minor stuff of life. It also helped with motivation which was a huge struggle that I didn't realize I had at the time.

This is really interesting to me. Should I ever be able to recover, I suppose the experience might be something like this. Since I've only ever known depression, I would probably be confused by its absence.

It sounds really nice, not having that heavy blanket of depression weighing you down all the time. It's really great that you've found something that works for you.

I recovered from depression on my own, sometime early this year. I was never formally diagnosed with depression but my psychiatrist had wanted to put me on antidepressants last December. I declined because I heard they cause weight gain. Anyways, depression felt like a dark cloud hanging over my head and like I was drowning and wallowing in my misery. Now, I just feel fine

That's great. Good for you

If you don't mind, I have some follow up questions:

Did the depression lift of itself, or was it something you did, like therapy or something?

Did you have a before, as well as an after, and was there any difference between how you were before, and now?

 

[sserafim]

Ok, I've tried it. It had no effect at all for me - but then again, it had less side effects than SSRIs.


This is really interesting to me. Should I ever be able to recover, I suppose the experience might be something like this. Since I've only ever known depression, I would probably be confused by its absence.

It sounds really nice, not having that heavy blanket of depression weighing you down all the time. It's really great that you've found something that works for you.

That's great. Good for you

If you don't mind, I have some follow up questions:

Did the depression lift of itself, or was it something you did, like therapy or something?

Did you have a before, as well as an after, and was there any difference between how you were before, and now?

It lifted of itself. I didn't do anything for it. I guess I've become less inhibited?

 

[Looking]

Ok, I've tried it. It had no effect at all for me - but then again, it had less side effects than SSRIs.

For me it took me about 3-4 months before it really impacted my life. They suggest around a month or so for most people. But to be fair, I had to increase my dosage for it to impact me where I'm currently at. It doesn't work for everyone, of course. But maybe that class of antidepressants could help you compared to SSRIs.

 

[Felodese]

For me it took me about 3-4 months before it really impacted my life. They suggest around a month or so for most people. But to be fair, I had to increase my dosage for it to impact me where I'm currently at. It doesn't work for everyone, of course. But maybe that class of antidepressants could help you compared to SSRIs.

Tried it for about a year, upping the dose a few times, but nothing.
On the plus side my current doctor thinks I'm an "interesting case", so he's willing to experiment a bit with less conventional meds...

 

[Praestat_Mori]

In the past years, I had several depressive episodes bc of external reasons. Most of the depressive episodes I had were very light and not serious at all only the last one - after finally everything failed and I considered my life finally being finished - was the worst one. Overwhelming desperation, hopelessness, all motivation gone, all joys disappeared - it was like someone switched me off and it became kind of dark around me as if the window was covered by a dark curtain. I just didn't want to hear, see or feel anything and I hated it to be happy, to pretend to be happy. Somehow I was just like a shell, a walking dead person. I thought about ending this misery almost all the time. The only comfort I had was SaSu.

I was in this deeply depressed state for about 2 months. One day - I don't know what really happened - it was like this darkness slowly disappeared and it was like someone lifted a curtain and some light reached the room. That was the start of a natural recovery.

Currently, I'm hardly suicidal and not depressed - that's how I feel.

I did nothing, I'm still kind of "switched off" bc I avoid everything that could trigger a new depressive episode especially things where I could fail and things that could stress me. And so far I feel relatively good.

On a low level, my life keeps going. Only the means to boost it are still missing.

 

[Felodese]

The concept of spontaneous recovery is so foreign to me - I just can't imagine what that would be like. But I guess there's a certain difference between having depressive episodes vs chronic depression. That way you really have several befores and afters, if the depression kind of comes and goes.

But then again there is a kind of cyclicity to my depression too. It kind of cycles between bad and really bad.
The bad periods are classified as dysthymia, and the really bad periods are apparently classified as "double depression".

 

[ChronicPainExistent]

I'm not entirely sure where to post this, but here goes.

I've been depressed since early childhood, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like not to be depressed. I don't have a before - it's always been like this. And I really don't know who I would be if I wasn't depressed anymore.

So what I'm asking is this:

• Those of you who do have a before; what was it like not being depressed and how has depression changed you as a person?
• Those of you who have an after - who have recovered, at least at some point; what was it like coming out of depression? Had depression changed you?
• To those who are like me, in having no before, but who have recovered, at least at some point; what was that like? How did it change you as a person, and how did you feel about your new you?

Before the onset of my chronic pains at the age of 12, I was quite happy — I can still quite vividly remember my feelings from then. I took enjoyment in so many things! If I wanted to do something, I simply went and did it: played sports, biked to the park, worked out. With the onset of my chronic pains, suddenly I wasn't able to do any of the things I truly loved most, and I have been in a depression since then. For a long time, I felt like I had no sense of self-worth and confidence, isolated myself, and even became mute.

I like to think that I am currently in the start of my "after" period. This year has been the hardest in my life, in terms of my struggles with chronic pain and depression. But it's been getting better; I feel as though I can finally see the end of the tunnel. I suspect that after having dealt with such pervasive depression for so long, certain depressive patterns of thought will never completely leave me. But I'd like to think that my positivity and optimism will be able to consistently win out over them, from here.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The concept of spontaneous recovery is so foreign to me - I just can't imagine what that would be like. But I guess there's a certain difference between having depressive episodes vs chronic depression. That way you really have several befores and afters, if the depression kind of comes and goes.

But then again there is a kind of cyclicity to my depression too. It kind of cycles between bad and really bad.
The bad periods are classified as dysthymia, and the really bad periods are apparently classified as "double depression".

Imo there are many different kinds of depression but I would say that there is a high chance that over a long period. depressive episodes can become chronic and in the worst case, an incurable depression develops if circumstances that lead to depressive episodes cannot be changed.

I can only talk about myself, my case, and how I see it, just to be clear here, no medical advice / scientific proof, only my own experience.

 

[Felodese]

Before the onset of my chronic pains at the age of 12, I was quite happy — I can still quite vividly remember my feelings from then. I took enjoyment in so many things! If I wanted to do something, I simply went and did it: played sports, biked to the park, worked out. With the onset of my chronic pains, suddenly I wasn't able to do any of the things I truly loved most, and I have been in a depression since then. For a long time, I felt like I had no sense of self-worth and confidence, isolated myself, and even became mute.

I like to think that I am currently in the start of my "after" period. This year has been the hardest in my life, in terms of my struggles with chronic pain and depression. But it's been getting better; I feel as though I can finally see the end of the tunnel. I suspect that after having dealt with such pervasive depression for so long, certain depressive patterns of thought will never completely leave me. But I'd like to think that my positivity and optimism will be able to consistently win out over them, from here.

That's a really vivid description of a good before. Thank you.
Sounds like the kind of childhood I wish I'd had.

May I ask how long you've had chronic pain/depression?

It's great that you feel like it's going to get better from now on. I hope it works out for you.

Imo there are many different kinds of depression but I would say that there is a high chance that over a long period. depressive episodes can become chronic and in the worst case, an incurable depression develops if circumstances that lead to depressive episodes cannot be changed.

Yeah, I have real trouble seeing that I'd be able to recover (if you can call it that when it's something you've always had) after all these years. Feels like my brain must be permanently fucked by now. And my circumstances, well, it's kind of same, same but different, I guess.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

TW: Mentions of suicide (obviously) - just stating it here because we're in the recovery section.

Spoiler: Backstory (Optional)

So, I had been depressed as long as I can remember. Anxious, too. I had been put into therapy at a such young age and haven't been out of it since. I was also put on so many medications and switched them often because none of them worked for my needs at the time. I had gotten to the point where I couldn't handle taking medicine and quit it altogether.

The peak was when I first joined the site, obviously, and I had intentions of ending it all from how painful life was. When depression is that long and intense, it's all you can think about. I even remember telling my family members suicide was the only option for the pain to end and none of them knew what to say to me at the time. (And that felt like confirmation I had to end it. It wasn't, but it's how I felt at the time.) I also had a lot of others issues on top of the depression, but the depression was the primary thing for me.

The only reason why I'm not dead is due to poor timing. The supplier I wanted to buy from got busted and arrested, with everyone who had purchased from him being looked into by police. Spooked me because I was a few days away from purchasing it. So I stayed away for a while.

My life has not changed at all. If anything, in a lot of regards, it's gotten worse. But I would say I'm in "recovery" from "suicide ideation". In my case, all previous medicine didn't work for me and because I had tried so many, I felt hopeless and didn't think medicine would work on me. I was a lost cause. However, I was listening to a podcast and the host spoke about a specific pill. I looked into it and thought I would try it. What the fuck did I have to lose? The first few months were hell trying to stabilize to the medicine, but it's changed my life forever.

I have not addressed any of the root causes of my depression. By all means, I'm still technically depressed and still need assistance. However, I'm not suicidal. And that alone has made me less depressed overall. When you're under the belief the solution is death, that type of depression is one of the deepest and darkest version of depression someone can experience, in my opinion.

I would say that my views on my personal life and most of my opinions on stuff are fairly similar to when I was severely depressed. Like, my core person did not change much.

What changed the most was the thoughts. There was never a break. There was never a moment of freedom or silence when I was severely depressed. Just pain. I felt empty, but my mind was never empty.

Now I have moments where I look at something and think of nothing. Legit, nothing. Just looking at something like my computer mouse and moving on (just a random example). Previously, if I looked at something like my mouse, I would think "All I do is waste my time online. I can't even afford a better mice, it's falling apart and it hurts to use. I have no money and no life. I can't enjoy the one thing I do every day." and so on.

You don't realize how LIFE CHANGING that is to someone who only knew the loud thoughts. Who only knew the emotions sadness, pain and misery. To feel or think of nothing is a GIFT. I thought I knew what it meant, but I truly didn't until I experienced it.

It changed me in ways it's hard to describe. It does change your view on life itself - that neutrality is bliss to someone who only knows negativity.

If you're in recovery or looking to recover - just look for neutrality. EVERYTHING becomes easier once you're able to stand in the middle of the scale.

What was the pill??

 

[420Jack]

I appreciate this question OP thanks for asking. I will tell you what it's like for me personally but first I wanna suggest a source/topic I feel may be helpful learning for you. I would look into the depressive cycle. As many of us regularly go in and out of depression and experience this cycle. There's great articles and youtube videos. As it can be different for different people I feel by looking into that and comparing your specific depressive behavior could help you understand better what not being depressed may look like for yourself.

Personally I regularly cycle between depressed and not depressed. Roughly 6-18 months of each back and forth. I think I tend to be in depressive episodes than I tend to not be.

For me it's like this. I start getting REALLY bored again. My motivation starts coming back. I start enjoying music again. I again want to go out and do things. I again start doing chores I previously neglected. I smile more. I'm friendlier to others, more interactive, more jokes. Maybe I'll do the taxes I neglected the past couple years lol. My desire to seek a romantic partner returns.

 

[arnxxx]

For me it's like this. I start getting REALLY bored again. My motivation starts coming back. I start enjoying music again. I again want to go out and do things. I again start doing chores I previously neglected. I smile more. I'm friendlier to others, more interactive, more jokes. Maybe I'll do the taxes I neglected the past couple years lol. My desire to seek a romantic partner returns.

This description sums it up greatly. The little moments I feel better, usually around other people feel like that.

When depressed I can't enjoy music, I keep postponing chores. Can't work. Don't want to go out do stuff. Don't want to live.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Spoiler: I imagine it must feel something like this

On a more serious note, I'm not too sure because I don't even know if I actually truly have depression. I mean I definitely have anxiety and in the past I was diagnosed with depression but I feel like I've always been able to use my stupidity and selfishness to find easy and quick ways to grant me short term happiness. I have never taken any medication for it so it possibly could have gone away on its own? Or maybe right now the depression has been taking such a back seat to my other problems that any form of relief is enough to make it seem like I'm not depressed at all…

 

[Looking]

What was the pill??

It's bupropion (Brand name Wellbutrin). SSRIs didn't work for me at all, and I wasn't educated enough on antidepressants at the time to know that there's other types of antidepressants. Bupropion falls under NDRIs. SSRIs are related to serotonin levels in the brain. NDRIs are related to norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain. To overly simplify, norepinephrine helps with energy and focus and dopamine helps with reward and motivation, where serotonin is primarily mood regulation. My brain/depression responded better to the broader influence of NDRIs.

A lot of people report feeling "zombie like" with a lot of SSRIs. I did, too. However, as I currently understand it, there's not the same reported feeling for NDRIs. I can't say for sure, though. I looked into it because I was confused at first. For me, it's a neutral nothing. Like, just seeing the world for what it is and not for what it feels like. Clarity almost. For a while, it disturbed me to feel neutral. I thought it was numbness because it was new, but it's not the same thing. It took me a while to realize that difference. I also thought I couldn't be sad anymore, when in reality it was just chronic depression I wasn't experiencing anymore. I still have my full range of emotions, just less intense, but it was all I knew at the time was intense so I didn't understand.

[ . . . ]

It's not a magic pill by any means, but for me it worked like magic. (Doesn't mean it will for you though!)

 

[mrelief82]

I'm not entirely sure where to post this, but here goes.

I've been depressed since early childhood, so I have absolutely no idea what it's like not to be depressed. I don't have a before - it's always been like this. And I really don't know who I would be if I wasn't depressed anymore.

So what I'm asking is this:

• Those of you who do have a before; what was it like not being depressed and how has depression changed you as a person?
• Those of you who have an after - who have recovered, at least at some point; what was it like coming out of depression? Had depression changed you?
• To those who are like me, in having no before, but who have recovered, at least at some point; what was that like? How did it change you as a person, and how did you feel about your new you?

I forgot how was it .

 

[DefinitelyReady]

It's not a magic pill by any means, but for me it worked like magic. (Doesn't mean it will for you though!)

Oh I'm already on a high dose of that Been through that whole world. I had an unfortunate learning experience too. They don't like to admit that these things are dangerous and full of side effects, and very take at your own risk. Also a benefits-outweigh-the-risks type of thing. I thought it was "new" pill Thanks though