What’s it like to even WANT to live?

[depthss]

I have never wanted to live, ever since I was young. I have no memories of a time that I wasn't at least passively suicidal. I've started becoming more actively suicidal over the years, and it's been incredibly strong these past few months. But even before this, I've always wanted to die

I don't know what it's like to want to live. I feel like I was never meant to be born. And I barley feel like I'm alive now. I feel like I'm just an empty body with no soul. I don't see the purpose to anything, everything is just completely frivolous to me. It doesn't matter how great or accomplished you were, fate remains the same

I just want to know. What is it like to have the desire to live? What thoughts go through your head when you don't want to die, but you just can't see any other way out? What emotions do you feel

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

I have absolutely no idea.

Even at my best and my healthiest, I am always at the bare minimum accepting of death should it come. No matter how well I'm doing, I am always ready to die.
I don't know what it really means to want to live and I don't think I'll ever know. I think about the old, lost, and dead cultures where death had meaning. The very concept of a "good death" is foreign now. Now it seems like people believe that all death is bad except maybe if you're 90 years old and sometimes not even then.

I think a lot of people lack meaning in life because there is no good way to die anymore but that's another conversation.


Sidenote.

Whenever people mention everything being meaningless it always makes me laugh because thousands of years ago, king solomon wrote a book about that and nothing has changed.
"So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." - King Solomon

"In the morning when thou findest thyself unwilling to rise, consider with thyself presently, it is to go about a man's work that I am stirred up. Am I then yet unwilling to go about that, for which I myself was born and brought forth into this world? Or was I made for this, to lay me down, and make much of myself in a warm bed?" - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, emperor of Rome, journaling about now wanting to get out of bed 2000 years ago.

 

[thenorthern]

Too stupid to even type all that I feel now, I only TRIED or WANTED to live for a short while after a bad time in my life. It was short lived and stressful. That is all I felt.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I've mostly only been able to achieve the state you described with psychedelics. The desire to live feels like having an empty mind. No thoughts of everything bad happening, no anxiety or depression to focus on, no dread for the future or misery from the past, it essentially feels like bliss.

... but, you're also conscious and aware of what's happening around you, instead of just being numb. You are not really experiencing any notable emotions, but you definitely are not just numb to your thoughts or emotions either.

I wish I could live like that forever, but I've since quit psychedelics to avoid the risks of long-term use.

 

[divinemistress36]

I've mostly only been able to achieve the state you described with psychedelics. The desire to live feels like having an empty mind. No thoughts of everything bad happening, no anxiety or depression to focus on, no dread for the future or misery from the past, it essentially feels like bliss.

... but, you're also conscious and aware of what's happening around you, instead of just being numb. You are not really experiencing any notable emotions, but you definitely are not just numb to your thoughts or emotions either.

I wish I could live like that forever, but I've since quit psychedelics to avoid the risks of long-term use.

What psychadelics have you done?

 

[lamargue]

where each day feels like you are working towards something in the future. i've forgotten the feeling now

 

[HereTomorrow]

Wanting to live, genuinely, is not saying "I want to live". It's just enjoying it with little struggle.

Wanting to live is looking forward to something, having purpose, that you're enjoying the moment instead of hoping time will pass as soon as possible just to get that rare moment of joy. Even if something goes wrong, eventually, you'll get back on your feet and move onward. Those who want to live don't think about death as they are contempt with life.

Giving up living means you have no hope for the future, that the current situation feels inescapable (and I say feels. Sometimes it is escapeable, but it's difficult to percieve if you're in it). Every day is just wishing for it to end to go unconscious in sleep or pass time by indulging in media in an unhealthy way for that dopamine hit until the day it's time to CTB, or just, pass in some other way.