Hi,
I've been contemplating this lately. I'm disturbed by existential nihilism...the only way to combat that, for me, is hedonism...I suppose that would entail the pursuit of riches. Y'know, the optimistic nihilist says, "just because we're doomed doesn't mean we can't have a good time" Of course this is impossible for the one who's fucked by ahnedonia.
I *need* to feel like my existence is serving a higher purpose. This is why I was happiest when I was a religious nut. For this reason I am incapable of maintaining a minimum wage job long-term...I've been working on and off since I was 16...every job I had, I was *the best*, and received multiple promotions in a short time...this was a sickness though...I needed to prove my worth to myself...and also I said yes to everyone so everyone took me for a sucker. I'd rage-quit because the depression/anxiety would become unbearable. If I were stuck in the rat race working paycheck to paycheck I'd rather die on the streets. I need self-employment. But I need to be "A Somebody" - currently I am "A Nobody", I do not believe humans have intrinsic value, "every human life is valuable", I believe humans prove their worth...as I believe myself to be "A Nobody" I cannot be happy unless I become "A Somebody".
Also, had an oppressive, traumatic, abusive upbringing due to my sheltered no-life life...I was poor too...still am... I cannot be happy with financial limitations...so...I think my so-called "mental disorders" would be no more if my existence served a higher purpose, if I became A Somebody, and if I was rich.
P.S.: All of this is fuck all without my Dad and my two sisters I raised. If they're dead, I can't fathom being alive. But then there's the dog...shit. Guess I suffer til the dog dies, then I die. Lol. Can't kill the dog.
Boonx