I feel like I'm genetically predetermined to be unhappy based on my parents and siblings, and also predetermined to want to be in relationships with unavailable partners who don't actually want me. I'd like to change that, as well as my (also seemingly genetically predetermined) inability to just be content with my life. Relatedly, I'd like to be able to get over a recent-ish (90 days and counting) breakup, which the world says should be easy but I'm just not finding it so and it makes me feel quite hopeless. I really thought they wanted me, and they left me for a stranger they met on a trip, as though I didn't exist. That pain just does not want to subside. And lastly (probably, anyway), I'd like to be in permanent remission from fibromyalgia, which has been a major limitation on all aspects of my life. Though after decades I've finally made a career for myself that I deeply love, and that's eased a little of the financial tension, I just don't see any of the rest happening. I'm sure there are people who do just fine in my situation, but I'm too much, or not enough, or whatever it is in the moment that prevents me from having a healthy relationship and a healthy social and emotional life. The cycles have gotten so much harder over the years, and my resilience has not grown to match it. I don't want to end up like my mother, a lonely, angry, miserable woman who literally can't find anything good to talk about. Regardless of how I try to avoid it, I fear I'm headed down that path. I know I'd rather die early than be such a burden on the people around me, but if it turns out to be true and I live that long, I will die alone and miserable. Honestly, what's keeping me here are my animals and what would happen especially to my cats and how hard it could be for them. I don't know if there's anything anyone can do; fixing my brain and body hasn't happened in over 40 years of trying, and I don't see how it could happen now.
