Discussion what will it take?

[Niko]

I've been away from this forum for a good long while now and I was sure my days here were done for good. Wrong!

I always seem to somehow end up back here because in the end I always come crashing down to earth.
I get better for a while, feel like my life's going somewhere and feel people are letting me in, but it never works out and I always get my heart broken.

and I've played this little game with myself endlessly on repeat for years now. I feel like shit, I seriously contemplate ctb, I can't do it because I'm too lazy or too scared or too stupidly hopeful and cling on, life moves on a bit, things ostensibly get (temporarily) better, I get my hopes up ... and one day I feel like shit again.

That's where I'm at now, feeling miserable after some time feeling okay more or less. I think I'm just gonna sit this one out again and wait for me to trick myself into feeling better somehow but in the end I keep coming back here, so when am I going to admit defeat and just accept my fate? What will it take for me to finally surrender to ctb?

What about you guys? Is there something you're waiting for before you make that final step into the great unknown? Are you guys on a similar cycle of hope and despair too?
Am I alone on this?

 

[not_a_robot]

Oooh. You will not like this but I will say it anyway because I'm kind of a dick, sorry.
The way to break the cycle is to break it. Stop pursuing the thing that keeps breaking your heart. It is an illusion. I don't mean "stop looking for love and it will magically appear".
I mean "Stop killing yourself chasing what is not there."
I got sick of having my heart smashed and accepted that I'm probably, definitely, meant to be alone.
And it is so liberating.
The lives of people who have what I once thought I wanted look like hell to me. I still have other problems, but I have never regretted my social isolation.
It seems to be something only possible for autistics though, so probably not very helpful, sorry.
I should quit trying to explain it to people.
For normal people, rejecting the social paradigm is not really an option. Sorry. You are hosed.
But everybody is hosed so, you're in good company.

 

[Niko]

Sorry. You are hosed.
But everybody is hosed so, you're in good company.

lol thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. Yeah I wish I could just accept the fact that I'm apparently meant to stay alone forever, but it's so fucking lonely sometimes that I can't function. Every time I get a taste of a real human connection it gets swiped away from me and I get treated like a freak for trying to open up and be vulnerable and just be myself. I wish I could just get over it but I can't, it hurts so so much and I feel forever rejected by the world.
but thanks again for your comment, that made me feel a little less alone.

 

[puppy9]

Yes I'm in a similar position as yours. Life sardonically shine some hope and boom it kicks me to the curb, left me there crying in the winter of sorrow.No you are not alone.

 

[Donewith_]

I don't know what i am waiting for .. or how long can i hang on here.
Things are already very shitty now..and very obvious,i can be here for some months may be .
yeah, its a bit hard finally taking that big step. this indecisiveness, unreadiness.. or whatever it is.

 

[Niko]

I don't know what i am waiting for .. or how long can i hang on here.
Things are already very shitty now..and very obvious,i can be here for some months may be .
yeah, its a bit hard finally taking that big step. this indecisiveness, unreadiness.. or whatever it is.

How long have you been in this indecisive state? if you don't mind me asking.. I'm just curious if you're like me and have endlessly been going back & forth with this in your mind for a while.

 

[Donewith_]

It is very obvious but still i am not taking the path. I just mask the reality with some worldly things i do daily...once i've got that peaceful time alone, thinking.. then I realise what my destiny is really. and i'm just.. kind of escaping or masking my mind into thinking about some other things giving them too much attention or.. making my brain forget things that it can be at peace atleast for sometime though its just my delusion.

 

[Orin]

Is there something you're waiting for before you make that final step into the great unknown? Are you guys on a similar cycle of hope and despair too?

Waiting for my bank account to run dry. I used to have a cycle of hope and despair as well but that died many years ago. Now it's just an acceptance of the inevitable.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I've been away from this forum for a good long while now and I was sure my days here were done for good. Wrong!

I always seem to somehow end up back here because in the end I always come crashing down to earth.
I get better for a while, feel like my life's going somewhere and feel people are letting me in, but it never works out and I always get my heart broken.

and I've played this little game with myself endlessly on repeat for years now. I feel like shit, I seriously contemplate ctb, I can't do it because I'm too lazy or too scared or too stupidly hopeful and cling on, life moves on a bit, things ostensibly get (temporarily) better, I get my hopes up ... and one day I feel like shit again.

That's where I'm at now, feeling miserable after some time feeling okay more or less. I think I'm just gonna sit this one out again and wait for me to trick myself into feeling better somehow but in the end I keep coming back here, so when am I going to admit defeat and just accept my fate? What will it take for me to finally surrender to ctb?

What about you guys? Is there something you're waiting for before you make that final step into the great unknown? Are you guys on a similar cycle of hope and despair too?
Am I alone on this?

Hey brother, I'm sorry to hear your tale and the place it has taken you. I wish there was some way to take you pain and replace it with peace.
I can relate the cyclical nature of being in the doledrums one minute and then climbing out only to fall back in.
I wonder if there is some mileage in suggesting that if your 'default' mode is one of depression, are the things that cause your upward swings external? I mean is there a root in you that programs that default position that could be treated with therapy or drugs or both?
Easy to say, not easy to do and may not be right, just my 2c.
I hope you can find something peaceful and kind on your journey friend.
DBD

 

[Niko]

Hey brother, I'm sorry to hear your tale and the place it has taken you. I wish there was some way to take you pain and replace it with peace.
I can relate the cyclical nature of being in the doledrums one minute and then climbing out only to fall back in.
I wonder if there is some mileage in suggesting that if your 'default' mode is one of depression, are the things that cause your upward swings external? I mean is there a root in you that programs that default position that could be treated with therapy or drugs or both?
Easy to say, not easy to do and may not be right, just my 2c.
I hope you can find something peaceful and kind on your journey friend.
DBD

Well I am in therapy these days and it does kind of help, but still I find myself where I am. It was getting better for a while but some external factors came into play, in particular a relationship that just is not working out like I was praying for. I just feel stuck, constantly stuck and driving around in circles crashing into the same ditch. at this point I'll need a miracle I guess because I really don't want to be here, I want to get out and I'll take whatever I can get to make it out. Something peaceful and kind would be beautiful.

 

[CelestialSky]

No you are not alone! I go through the exact same cycle, although mine tend to be quite short lived (feel temporarily okay for a day, maybe two or sometimes a few hours). I can be distracted by my boyfriend or family for a short amount of time, where the thought of ctb feels a bit blurry, but deep deep down I know that ctb is the only way I can end the pain and find peace. Then I'll have a bad day (which is usually 5/6 out of 7 days a week so it's more like a "normal" day tbh) and revert back to my plans. It's like I go on vacation from the thought of ctb for a day or two, but knowing it's not forever, and always end up deciding that ctb is my only way out.