loslassen
call me June
- Dec 8, 2023
- 135
the title is a metaphor for my next vent, I'm not sure if I sound coherent or not so please bear with me, but there's several things I want to talk about and hopefully clear my mind about.
last year I was living hopelessly and aimlessly, with very little comfort or reassurance about anything, things hurting me all the time, I was genuinely depressed but my outlook on things was also very pessimistic, overtime it bettered, my perspective and my strategy toward facing challenges in life, but just as that happened I also faced great disappointments, which really, really break me down. a year ago I was planning my suicide without a method, mostly just wanting to have the idea of a tangible release, least to say I was really uninformed. now, I'm planning to ctb with genuine intent. however, things might seem to do a 180 degree turn in the near future for me and my dad, which has me extremely confused, it hurts because it means I should wait even longer through the suffering I've been tolerating, and I'm just not sure I can do it. I tried to reconcile with my mom, she's been very positive and I've seen minor real change in her, I don't expect much but it hurts me to see her getting a tad bit better and me drifting away from her, I want to have her close but I know how unpredictable and how drastic and hazardous she can be with her decisions. I've been learning a lot recently about how things should be done and it doesn't sit right with me how unaware my mom is of most of these things, so if she doesn't even have that basis I can't begin to explain my reasoning. thing is it hurts that I'm going to have to put distance between us because she often puts my dads opportunities at risk, and I just don't now how, it hurts me so much that it makes me not want to deal with it at all and just ctb already. It wouldn't matter after I'm dead.
please don't be closed minded and try to understand the way I'm expressing myself, it's not just some minor inconvenience that makes me spike up I'm not that kind of person, I know how to handle panic very well and be reasonable, but all of these things built up and bottled up throughout time make it painful, unbearable and make me physically ill to where I want to throw up and don't want to eat at all, but I'm upset because my stomach is hungry, but feel even more miserable because I have no money and there's nothing to eat. also I'm getting weird symptoms of my chronic illness and my mom keeps asking but I keep lying and say I'm doing well, because if I say I'm not she will come uninvited and that makes my dad go nuts. I'm really tired of having to deal with them, even with our recent interesting and "deep" conversations it feels majorly fake from me, not because I don't mean the things I say but because they think they have a good relationship with me but they hurt me just so much. So, so much.
I don't want to be an idiot and stop pushing through just when my life could change for the better, but what am I going to do then? it's not like my suicidality will go away or disappear, instead I'll have a reason to feel like I'm being an ungrateful jerk toward my dads efforts for feeling that way.
I just want to tie the cord already, honestly, I'm so tired of all of this.
last year I was living hopelessly and aimlessly, with very little comfort or reassurance about anything, things hurting me all the time, I was genuinely depressed but my outlook on things was also very pessimistic, overtime it bettered, my perspective and my strategy toward facing challenges in life, but just as that happened I also faced great disappointments, which really, really break me down. a year ago I was planning my suicide without a method, mostly just wanting to have the idea of a tangible release, least to say I was really uninformed. now, I'm planning to ctb with genuine intent. however, things might seem to do a 180 degree turn in the near future for me and my dad, which has me extremely confused, it hurts because it means I should wait even longer through the suffering I've been tolerating, and I'm just not sure I can do it. I tried to reconcile with my mom, she's been very positive and I've seen minor real change in her, I don't expect much but it hurts me to see her getting a tad bit better and me drifting away from her, I want to have her close but I know how unpredictable and how drastic and hazardous she can be with her decisions. I've been learning a lot recently about how things should be done and it doesn't sit right with me how unaware my mom is of most of these things, so if she doesn't even have that basis I can't begin to explain my reasoning. thing is it hurts that I'm going to have to put distance between us because she often puts my dads opportunities at risk, and I just don't now how, it hurts me so much that it makes me not want to deal with it at all and just ctb already. It wouldn't matter after I'm dead.
please don't be closed minded and try to understand the way I'm expressing myself, it's not just some minor inconvenience that makes me spike up I'm not that kind of person, I know how to handle panic very well and be reasonable, but all of these things built up and bottled up throughout time make it painful, unbearable and make me physically ill to where I want to throw up and don't want to eat at all, but I'm upset because my stomach is hungry, but feel even more miserable because I have no money and there's nothing to eat. also I'm getting weird symptoms of my chronic illness and my mom keeps asking but I keep lying and say I'm doing well, because if I say I'm not she will come uninvited and that makes my dad go nuts. I'm really tired of having to deal with them, even with our recent interesting and "deep" conversations it feels majorly fake from me, not because I don't mean the things I say but because they think they have a good relationship with me but they hurt me just so much. So, so much.
I don't want to be an idiot and stop pushing through just when my life could change for the better, but what am I going to do then? it's not like my suicidality will go away or disappear, instead I'll have a reason to feel like I'm being an ungrateful jerk toward my dads efforts for feeling that way.
I just want to tie the cord already, honestly, I'm so tired of all of this.
