What was the reason that made you feel like you wanted to CBT the first time?

[Thanksforeverything]

I keep trying to recall what turned me into who I am or how I started to think of CBT in the first place. But for some reason, I can't even remember if it was some specific catalyst, a culmination of all surrounding factors, or just an inevitability at some point? It was all going smoothly, and then it all felt like hell. Things I loved, people I cared about, none of it seemed to matter all of a sudden. Can you guys recall any specific thing that pushed you into the mindset or is it all a big blur?

 

[Darkover]

a girl i was in love with is the reason for me becoming suicidal in the first place after she dumped me this was 19 years ago after a 2 and half year relationship i never recovered from it

 

[meeks]

Yes. Everything that I was and cared about went away. First, I lost my family..then my friends...then myself...

Love just washed away like that..and so I thought, "what's the point of paying the cost to live in this world anymore?".
My family doesn't care about me. My friends left me. Which all leaves me to doubt my identity as I question if I am delusional when it comes to everything.

Wow, I used to look down that building and think of how lovely for the world to have some mashed tomatoes in the morning.

Everything really doesn't matter without love for me. Lossing that was the scariest thing that ever happend to me which makes me to scared to love again and accept love but that could fire back.....
..jeez, all that complexity and loss really was the case for me on my first time.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't really remember whether there was a reason or not. To me it was always clear that under certain circumstances in my life time I would consider CTB as an option.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I had a really hard time with a (suspected) narcissist in my family when I was 10. I was also grieving the loss of 3 close family members but yeah- they were the tipping point. I pretty much remember it- sitting on my bed, staring out the window feeling so desperately unhappy and the thought just floated in- wouldn't you just much rather be dead? It scared me at first because I had been brought up to believe suicide was wrong- suicides go to hell. It didn't take long to get over that! And really after that- it just stayed with me. At times, it's seemed much more appealing than others but, it's always been there.

 

[shantyizlit]

I remember being bullied by the entire class in elementary school, and I was at home in my bed or something and I just wanted to die thinking everyone would know how they made me feel.

 

[pyroxenic]

I have no idea. Probably at first it was my living condition and school enviorment, i guess? However i remember my "first attempt" in middle school being taking pills and trying to suffocate myself in my sleep with a sleeping bag. But then i imagined my mothers reaction to me finding me like that. And then i changed my mind last second. At this point the question should be "was there ever a time you never had SI".

 

[Sweet Tart]

I experienced some severe traumas as well as sexual abuse as a young child, which I think led me to have an anxious disposition and eating disorder. My parents tried to force me to correct the behaviors I had adapted to manage trauma instead of addressing the fact that they were symptoms of trauma. I was taught I had to fix myself and I couldn't, so I learned I was a disappointment to my family and learned to hate myself for being fucked-up.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I don't see existing as being something desirable, it never was in the first place. I think it's something so nightmarish having the ability to suffer endlessly trapped in a decaying flesh prison where we cannot find relief from ourselves, pointlessly struggling all for no purpose, existing is just tedious and not for me as well. So with awareness comes wishing to not exist and it's not an "illness" or something defective feeling this way, to me the true absurd thing is wishing to be trapped in this world filled with harm.

 

[nomennescio]

a girl i was in love with is the reason for me becoming suicidal in the first place after she dumped me this was 19 years ago after a 2 and half year relationship i never recovered from it

Damn bro..

If you dont mind me asking, did you ever get any form of treatment or help for this?like maybe emdr or such

 

[Darkover]

Damn bro..

If you dont mind me asking, did you ever get any form of treatment or help for this?like maybe emdr or such

i am 37 now this was back when i was 18 years old, losing her made me realized were nothing forever, the thought nobody would ever have sex with me again was extremely distressing made me realizes that nobody turly cares for us, 6 months after the breakup i was diagnosed with schizophrenia i was prescribed olanzapine, i've had no treatment for the relationship breakup nor have i had sex for 19 years, all i really need was a sexy girl in the environment to help me with the relationship breakup before i end up going nuts and realizing where nothing forever and that nobody turly cares for us, feeling sadness in severe form after a breakup trigger a mental health condition plus i was sent to jail at 18 for a crime i didn't commit for 4 months

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

Yes. Everything that I was and cared about went away. First, I lost my family..then my friends...then myself...

Love just washed away like that..and so I thought, "what's the point of paying the cost to live in this world anymore?".
My family doesn't care about me. My friends left me. Which all leaves me to doubt my identity as I question if I am delusional when it comes to everything.

Wow, I used to look down that building and think of how lovely for the world to have some mashed tomatoes in the morning.

Everything really doesn't matter without love for me. Lossing that was the scariest thing that ever happend to me which makes me to scared to love again and accept love but that could fire back.....
..jeez, all that complexity and loss really was the case for me on my first time.

Agreed that's when I started idealizing CBT

 

[todiefor]

I originally turned to planning my ctb as a coping mechanism to abuse, it felt like a bargain with the devil, the more abuse I received the more I planned my ctb to cope. Then after a while it just seemed like the only logical solution. I live for my loved ones/my family, the people I can count on and trust. I would do anything for them and go through any pain and hardship. And through this whole process I realised I had no family / loved ones, i screwed up big time and trusted the wrong people. I'll never trust anyone again, nor trust myself to make the right choices of who to trust.