What was the exact moment you knew you were gonna Ctb?

[Al_stargate]

Yesterday I was sitting in a bathtub and seeing how much weight I gained and thinking about what my life has become, I think I broke the fear barrier to my ctb. At first, I was emotional but then kinda relieved and had a feeling of wanting to go through with it. Do you remember the exact moment you decided or was clear to you that you are going to ctb soon?

 

[lostmylove]

Last couple years for me has been death by a thousand cuts. Trying for things to get better with no avail.

But recently I've become certain after really digging deep mentally to try find if there was a single reason to stay. I thought on this for months but I could not find one reason to stay.

Rather than drift on like a zombie, getting rid of this emotional pain is going to such a relief. Been so overwhelmed crying recently.

 

[braindead911]

When I was forced in to a world based on pure luck and chance for the most part. Guaranteed suffering and death at the end with working for 60 years as a wage slave. Great.

 

[FractalTears]

The recent months made it clear to me, this morning i woke up after another nightmare and i decided to not back out anymore. I don't want to miss another chance like i did the previous years, it just left me at a much worse place.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I have always debated it since my dysphoria kicked in last May. However, I am now 100% sold on the idea of CTB.

 

[outrider567]

When I saw her in the hospital last January--I was shocked because she was worse than the Nurse told me on the phone--Doctor grabbed me right away and uttered the chilling words, "She's not doing well, I'm sorry" then told me what was wrong--After I saw her for a few hours, while in the car, in tears, I knew right away that the only way I can deal with her loss is my own suicide--When I got home I threw away all her food in the refrigerator and cabinets, I knew she wasn't coming back

 

[Cryptonite]

When I realized that I had run out of options to do something about my spinal disease

 

[Lost Magic]

When my mother died, I knew that I wouldn't be far behind her. Life is just so much shittier without her.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have wanted to die since I was a very young age. I have never wanted to live and suicide is what feels right for me. I want to be in control of my death and I want to be the one that ends all my suffering. I am not sure about the exact moment, but that feeling of wanting suicide has been with me for a long time, it is all I want.

However I do not even know for certain that I will be able to ctb and this thought is agonising. Being trapped in a depressing existence is torture. Hopefully eventually I will get desperate enough. The thought of suffering for many more decades is unimaginable.

 

[Nlis2244]

I remember the exact moment I realized that I was depressed and suicidal. I was on the bus going to school, in the middle of the city. The morning sun was colouring the buildings around of red. I saw people around me, all happy, laughing and talking, something that I could never manage to do with anyone. I felt extremely envious and uneasy. Then I just realized it: "I am suicidal. I want to die, that's how I will stop worrying about everything. I will die and stop suffering". I remember It felt very wrong to think that, I felt strange, because I became aware that I was mentally sick. It was all downhill from there.

 

[its-about-time]

This current bout of intense suicidality, I instantly knew I was going to kill myself when I found and started reading the PPH. Read the nitrogen chapter first and it just seemed too good to be true. I've been this suicidal many times before but it always felt depressing and with desperate methods I didn't really "like" (jumping, drowning, etc)— they felt so far away in a sense .. finding a method I actually am good with has changed everything. I'd never felt so absolutely positive I could do it.

This go around deciding to die is accompanied by an actual method right in my hands. It feels pretty good and relaxing and confident, not always but generally. Changed to SN upon chapter 2 of the PPH (lmao), bought some, and now just jellyfishin' until the moment is right - often impatient but no real rush for it.

 

[partialhang]

When I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis

 

[Enoughnow]

When I realised I was never going to escape my ex and he won't leave me alone until I'm dead
Also having problems with my mental health team now who are trying to bully me into suicide so I figured fuck it enough is enough

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Nov 9 2016

Spent the night laughing my ass off. The final piece in idiocracy had come into the puzzle

 

[Wait-Bus]

I was about 14. I was laying in bed and it just thought about it. I closed my eyes and said - I am going to kill myself.

About a year later, I tried to hang myself but the knots slipped as I was hanging there thinking there was not way out of this, and I had killed myself

Ever since its has a constant thought that someday I would CTB

 

[Hope:-)]

Probably today.

 

[jemetire]

On 17-04-2023 I realised I was worthless.
On 18-04-2023 I wanted to ctb but couldn't because of SI, lack of courage and a very bad method.