What was it like the day you decided to CTB?

[new.solution1]

I obviously am referring to people who in the end did not actually go through with CTB and are still alive. But what was it like the date you decided you wanted to do it, even though you didn't go through with it? The whole day that is.

I'm afraid I'm going to be dreadful and sad the whole day when I get my N. It's gonna get worse and worse up until the point I take it. My last thoughts while lying down, waiting for it to take effect will be, "I can't believe I'm gonna die...".

 

[SofterSoftest]

I'm interested in knowing this too. I've had CTB thoughts since I was 11, but only half-assed attempted a few times when I was very young with cutting. I'm wondering what it will feel like when I finally get N and get ready to take it.

 

[jimmy7754]

Waking up is the worse part of my day. I had constant mania, repetitive thoughts and regrets. I miss my dad. I can't stand how successful my older brother is. I drove out to see the sun set. I came home and I tried partial and failed.

Honestly, if N is as good as people say it is. I wouldn't have negative thoughts before I catch the bus. I would probably talk to somebody from here before I go. It's not good to think negative about death. It is such a mystery.. I don't believe in anything supernatural.. but it shouldn't something to fear. You don't backwards when you die. I've been swirling and going backwards for awhile now.

I can say these things but when I'm going to do it.. I'll be sad.. angry.. pissed off because I grew up white.. blue eyed.. was hugged as a child.. grew up finished college twice.. got lost made too many mistakes.. not enough successful relationships.. self deprecated after college.. can't stand how ungrateful I was in high school and how much stuff I took for granted..

You can even just take the English language for granted..

I still want to die and am just done. I feel bad for my family. Adulthood is just exhausting when you don't make sense.

 

[Interloper]

Do you mean any attempt or an attempt that failed? I tried with train almost 10 years ago.

The train I would use to go home was coming into the station (first mistake, slow train) and I just kinda wandered onto the tracks, totally numb. Second mistake was having to look at that big machine coming right at you, instead of leaping at the last second. The engineer started blaring the horn and at that point I got really scared and got off the tracks. Me being the idiot I am, I got onto the train like nothing happened, but my heart was racing and I felt real dizzy.

The engineer came out of his cabin and gave me the loudest shouting I have ever gotten, it is seared into my brain. I don't blame him though, and fortunately for me he didn't kick me off and get the police involved. But yeah I think I damn near passed out during my trip home. On the walk home my mind was just blank. Once I was home I just stayed in my bed for some days, sobbing uncontrollably. My brain started the whole "it will get better" thing and I stuck around because of my parents supporting me with my basic needs, but obviously it did not get better.

I also have N and have been doing (probably insufficient) practice runs, to hopefully numb myself to the process. That small period of time between ingestion and unconsciousness will probably be the worst time of my life though because my brain is my worst enemy that has been torturing me my entire life, imagine all the shit it will throw at me once it knows it will actually die. Might just get so overloaded that I have an aneurysm before the N even gets me unconscious, lol. Wish I had a shotgun.

 

[jimmy7754]

Do you mean any attempt or an attempt that failed? I tried with train almost 10 years ago.

The train I would use to go home was coming into the station (first mistake, slow train) and I just kinda wandered onto the tracks, totally numb. Second mistake was having to look at that big machine coming right at you, instead of leaping at the last second. The engineer started blaring the horn and at that point I got really scared and got off the tracks. Me being the idiot I am, I got onto the train like nothing happened, but my heart was racing and I felt real dizzy.

The engineer came out of his cabin and gave me the loudest shouting I have ever gotten, it is seared into my brain. I don't blame him though, and fortunately for me he didn't kick me off and get the police involved. But yeah I think I damn near passed out during my trip home. On the walk home my mind was just blank. Once I was home I just stayed in my bed for some days, sobbing uncontrollably. My brain started the whole "it will get better" thing and I stuck around because of my parents supporting me with my basic needs, but obviously it did not get better.

I also have N and have been doing (probably insufficient) practice runs, to hopefully numb myself to the process. That small period of time between ingestion and unconsciousness will probably be the worst time of my life though because my brain is my worst enemy that has been torturing me my entire life, imagine all the shit it will throw at me once it knows it will actually die. Might just get so overloaded that I have an aneurysm before the N even gets me unconscious, lol. Wish I had a shotgun.

I also think I would have an aneurysm.. I think doing it at night before going to sleep will help me go through with it maybe.. I know there's so much good stuff out there I'll be missing but the pain of life is too much.

 

[new.solution1]

I want it to be peaceful, everything leading up to it. I was wondering if anyone had that kind of experience.

 

[Crazy4u]

Do you mean any attempt or an attempt that failed? I tried with train almost 10 years ago.

The train I would use to go home was coming into the station (first mistake, slow train) and I just kinda wandered onto the tracks, totally numb. Second mistake was having to look at that big machine coming right at you, instead of leaping at the last second. The engineer started blaring the horn and at that point I got really scared and got off the tracks. Me being the idiot I am, I got onto the train like nothing happened, but my heart was racing and I felt real dizzy.

The engineer came out of his cabin and gave me the loudest shouting I have ever gotten, it is seared into my brain. I don't blame him though, and fortunately for me he didn't kick me off and get the police involved. But yeah I think I damn near passed out during my trip home. On the walk home my mind was just blank. Once I was home I just stayed in my bed for some days, sobbing uncontrollably. My brain started the whole "it will get better" thing and I stuck around because of my parents supporting me with my basic needs, but obviously it did not get better.

I also have N and have been doing (probably insufficient) practice runs, to hopefully numb myself to the process. That small period of time between ingestion and unconsciousness will probably be the worst time of my life though because my brain is my worst enemy that has been torturing me my entire life, imagine all the shit it will throw at me once it knows it will actually die. Might just get so overloaded that I have an aneurysm before the N even gets me unconscious, lol. Wish I had a shotgun.

this sounds terrible :( I don't know if the train engineer knew you wanted to ctb. He might thought you are being careless or distractrd. I sure hope there were not many people around when he screamed at you. Public insults are tough. I am sorry

 

[Hurt]

I've been suicidal for some years but the idea was becoming bigger and more temptive as my life was getting worse. And it's still getting worse. I don't know how much more I can handle this. I try to live one day at a time, focus on present and dont think too much about future. No one knows what can happen tomorrow. This is a battle I know is already lost (at least for me). I am still here but I am not enjoying living.

I still want to die and am just done. I feel bad for my family. Adulthood is just exhausting when you don't make sense.

I agree. Adulthood is exhausting..

 

[Interloper]

this sounds terrible :( I don't know if the train engineer knew you wanted to ctb. He might thought you are being careless or distractrd. I sure hope there were not many people around when he screamed at you. Public insults are tough. I am sorry

I'll never know why but that does sound plausible enough. And it was a rush hour train so no, there were definitely people. But I was too dazed to care about that in the moment.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I was numb, in a kind of trance. I had a narrow focus and could think about nothing else.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It was September 30th, 2020. Just a few hours ago I had basically just been dumped by the only girl whoever outright said she was attracted to me and the closest I had ever gotten to getting into a relationship. Of course I wanted to die right then and there but I realized there were still five Smash Ultimate dlc characters left to look forward to and I didn't want to be like Etika and die before getting to experience them all.

Before that point I was always planning on dying when I was 30 but I realized that that might just be too long for me and I'd rather just die while I'm 28 instead. It's been a long year and four months but waiting this long is already quite a lengthy accomplishment for me. I plan to CTB sometime between July and October of this year, maybe I'll even make it happen on the 2nd anniversary of the last time my heart ever got broken. I'm just happy it won't be able to get broken again.