What to tell friends/family re desire to CTB to prepare them - and also re the law - UK

[LittleJem]

Hi all - it's a relief to join this forum. If my depression does not improve, I am considering ctb this year or next.

I'd appreciate your thoughts on how to brief the people who will be most hurt, and also what the law is regarding on what info I share with friends and family, as I do not want them implicated. I've added some more info below to help me think it through.

Perhaps there is no way to make it better, but I want to at least let loved ones know how little I am enjoying life, and to insist on my right to choose. I want to prepare them so if I ctb, it won't be a shock. Also, because of my upcoming divorce, I will actually have some money to leave them, which won't change the pain, but at least I can leave them a little legacy. I will avoid sharing time-frames and methods with them, and am going to leave various notes.

Thanks for reading, Jemma

Background info:

I've recently been telling people for the first time that I want to die, but I have actually felt this way for over 20 years. it's just recently, having tried nearly every alternative treatment - natural remedies and psychedelics, and now on my third attempt at conventional medication, I no longer have hope of feeling better. I don't have a quality of life. I am no longer working, I spend all day in bed/reading/watching TV and thinking about dying, and I don't laugh or enjoy anything. I spent the last 5 years hallucinating on weed and believing in magic - and now I don't believe in anything and don't have a purpose in being here - my marriage is ending, I can't work and I am fed up.

The tricky people are a) my brother b) my mum for reasons and c) a friend of mine with Aspergers, as below. My soon to be ex husband says it will destroy him and others - he has seen the pain I am in every day, he just wants me to keep trying medication. I am trying a few more meds, but I am not holding out hope of things improving. I don't want to carry on living like this and have seen enough of this world at 42. There's nothing else in particular I want to do or see. I don't mind leaving it.

a) My brother doesn't believe that I used to be depressed - he thinks it's a recent thing - and he won't listen to me or believe me when I tell him it is long-standing. This makes it really hard for me to speak to him, because I don't feel listened to or respected. He has spent a long time undermining my pain with all the typical things people say to depressed people when they don't understand the illness. I love my brother, and he has his own troubles - one of his daughters is disabled in lots of different ways - and I know it will hurt him a lot if I go. We are not speaking that often at the moment, because I don't think he can handle speaking to me - and for me, his attitude to depression and lack of listening is alienating.

b) my mum. I know my mum will be devastated. I don't know if there is anything I can do about this. I have told her how suicidal I've been feeling, and will keep letting her know that I don't have a quality of life. Perhaps there is nothing I can do to make this better.

c) my friend with Aspergers - I think I will leave him a note and take advice on what to say about it. He has lots of anxiety and is lonely, and he will be sad.

 

[Time_To_Die]

Hi Jemma

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a divorce; can't honestly say that I can relate from personal experience but I know it's devastating. My heart goes out to you for your struggles with depression.

Regarding the law, you probably won't really have anything to worry about. Assisted suicide is generally illegal, but anything short of actually, physically aiding you in your method of suicide is (probably) legal At the end of this video, the guy talks about how even being in the room with a person who is actively committing suicide is not illegal so long as aid is not provided. All the caveats in the world, of course, since I'm not a lawyer, and I'm not from the UK. I'm basically just passing along the information from the guy in the video, which, by the way, I think everyone who wants to ctb should watch in its entirety.

regarding:

A. Your brother: It almost sounds to me like he's dealing with some emotional demons of his own. In my opinion, how you proceed with him probably depends on whether you want closure for yourself before you ctb, or if you are concerned with his well-being. If you want closure, do what feels right in your heart (it's your final moments, after all); if you want to do what's right for his well-being, it would probably be best to just mention that you are strongly considering suicide. That way he's more emotionally prepared, but he won't have enough information to worry about you / have any thoughts that he could have saved you.

B. Your mother: I'm not sure if I have enough information to quite understand your relationship with your mother. I would say, it probably suffices to tell her that you're seriously considering suicide. She may appreciate a bit more forthrightness, though, depending on how close the relationship you have with her is.

C. Your friend: Are you his only friend? If so, in my personal opinion, it might be best to open up to him about how you're feeling before you ctb. My concern for him is that he may feel like you didn't really value his friendship if you're not upfront with him (he may be wrong, of course, but the mind plays tricks on suicide survivors). Even if he doesn't succeed in convincing you to reconsider, I think he will appreciate your candor and emotional vulnerability with him.

At the end of the day, suicide is going to be devastating to all these people and many more, as you know. Your suffering is yours alone, and you alone know how much you can handle. But really, all the talk of preparations etc. that people get involved in is pretty futile. Nothing you do to ease the shock will make much of a difference.

Cheers. Whatever you choose, I hope your suffering ends.

 

[Subhuman]

In my experience, as someone who's been thinking (and talking) about suicide for almost 20 years... Regular people don't get it. Not because they're stupid, just because it's almost impossible for most people to comprehend something outside of their experience. You said it yourself: your ex husband sees with his own eyes how much you're suffering and he just wants you to keep trying and trying, not understanding that while you're trying you'll continue to be in agony. And your brother straight up doesn't believe you.

I've been through this and many similar reactions with many different people. I might as well be speaking a foreign language because they just don't get it or they refuse to even entertain the idea and engage in a meaningful discussion about it.

Ultimately, imo there truly isn't much we can do to ease the pain of those we leave behind, just like there's little they can do for us when our situation becomes objectively hopeless. The best strategy I've come up with is to tentatively approach the subject with those I want to tell, and depending on how they react, be as open and kind as possible in the discussion that follows. If they don't want to hear it, I drop it. Letters are great when you want to communicate something the other person is incapable/unwilling to hear and it's up to you if you deliver them before or after your passing. The most important thing to explain (especially when it comes to children) is that it's not their fault and that there's nothing they could have done to give you a reason to live.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

My personal opinion is that when you reach the point of deciding to ctb it's best not to tell anyone. Just quietly go about your plans.
I don't think anyone who is close to you would understand or support it.
And the majority of the world is "prolife" so would do everything to stop you no matter how hopeless your situation is or how much you are hurting.

 

[LittleJem]

Spot on everyone, thank you

My personal opinion is that when you reach the point of deciding to ctb it's best not to tell anyone. Just quietly go about your plans.
I don't think anyone who is close to you would understand or support it.
And the majority of the world is "prolife" so would do everything to stop you no matter how hopeless your situation is or how much you are hurting.

You are right, most people are pro-life and won't understand. That's why I won't be I am telling anyone specific timings or plans.

For now, I'm telling my family I'm a) hanging in there for now and trying some meds and b) feeling tortured and no quality of life, and not sure how much longer I want to do this for. I'm also writing a daily diary, to demonstrate my low quality of life, which I can leave behind/share.