Venting What the hell is wrong with me?

[CantTurnBack]

Where do I even begin?

I always knew I was "different," but I can't understand how it became this bad. I'm in my late 20s, and it feels like my whole life has been an anxious struggle to fit in.

I never really had my biological parents, and from a young age turned to drugs and the internet as a form of escapism. I dropped out of high school, and am too terrified to even learn how to drive. Most my (shitty) "friends" have moved on in life, and I'm still stuck here in the same dead end place. I have no formal education, no job, no significant other, no healthcare, and no idea what to do anymore.

I can't even manage to feel like I belong on SaSu. I feel too optimistic for Suicide Discussion, and not sick enough for the Recovery subforum. I'm so sorry if my posts have upset anyone, I promise that's not my intention. I'll try harder, I should be better than this! I didn't mean for it to be this way.

I miss my grandma so much, but I can't blame her for catching the bus anymore. She didn't deserve to fail those previous attempts. Why couldn't I see her cries for help? I don't know how she endured this pain for so long. I don't know how she endured me for so long. I feel like such a burden on everyone around me. I'm starting to get it now, why some of you wished you never existed; life can be so difficult.. I'm not sure how to pull through this.

I think I should cry, but don't even know how to do that either. I just can't seem to feel much of anything. This surely can't be right, what the hell is wrong with me?

 

[Wkoncuodejde]

i feel you i too dropped out of high school. Im 21 now. I wish I had never been born.

 

[CantTurnBack]

i feel you i too dropped out of high school. Im 21 now. I wish I had never been born.

It's an awful thing, to feel like you don't belong; I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I'm curious to hear any other related thoughts or stories as well. Has anyone had hopes of turning life around under similar circumstances, or do you feel you can't turn back? I feel pretty lost lately, and not sure how to find my way out.

 

[Wkoncuodejde]

It's an awful thing, to feel like you don't belong; I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I'm curious to hear any other related thoughts or stories as well. Has anyone had hopes of turning life around under similar circumstances, or do you feel you can't turn back? I feel pretty lost lately, and not sure how to find my way out.

I am a stubborn person and I think I would sooner destroy myself to the end than fix all my mistakes

 

[lita-lassi]

the more recent ease of longer existence has amplified the suffering such awareness brings. there is always time to turn it around, there is not always a mental means to pit your version of success against everyone elses

 

[Jamesun]

I also dropped out of school, I really feel like a hindrance and a burden.

 

[Bruce]

Well with how bad things are for you I think you are pretty fucking amazing if you still "feel too optimistic". I would have not survived this. I think you are a strong person!

Being different doesn't mean bad, it just means.. different, it might even mean good, beautiful. You don't have to fit in! Why would a diamond want to fit in with the coal!? Because this is what you are, this is what you become when you go through so much shit. Pain can create this awareness, it can help us see things differently, it can awaken us to a different reality. The standard humans will be forever blind, they will go though life without ever seeing.

I hope you're not still doing drugs though. Are you?

Don't worry about dropping out of school yet, you can come back to it.

And don't worry about being afraid of driving, it's normal. You probably had little to no encouragement in your life so of course you have doubts, but it doesn't mean you can't do it, it doesn't mean anything until you actually start doing it.

I don't think you have upset anyone. Don't apologize to us! You belong!

So how to turn things around, or shall we say.. how to improve them?

May I ask what do you like to do, what activities make you happy? Do you like animals? Do you like fresh air? Where do you live, as in what kind of area?

 

[Mitsumi]

Don't blame yourself it's not your fault.