What the hell am I doing here..

[Aloken]

You foolishly let yourself get lost in meaningless, stupid stuff here and there. A stupid reality, a book, a chocolate cookie. Fooling yourself. As if any of it matters. As if you haven't lost everything that mattered. You think "hey, maybe I'll go later this year, maybe I could read that book I wanted." But then, something happens or nothing happens and you step out of this procrastinating delusion and you cannot but realize, feel, see it clearly right in front of you, that none of this matters. Once again your pain, the pain that you've been trying to tame every single day, turns its ugly head and bites you. Once again I realize I absolutely have to go, as soon as possible. I'm wondering, what the hell am I doing here..? Wasting away, day by day, waiting..

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, this is probably a perfect description of my bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts.
These days have been great but damn, I know the DOWNS will be coming soon...

 

[Aloken]

Yeah, this is probably a perfect description of my bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts.
These days have been great but damn, I know the DOWNS will be coming soon...

Yeah..that must be shitty. Is there a way to make the fall lighter?

For my situation, it's not like I have great days, or even good. That ship has sailed and I didn't get to wave it goodbye.. It's like my days
are bad, but I'm distracting myself with stupid things and it seems like I can continue living like this for a little longer, but no, of course I can't. When I remember what has happened (unsurprisingly easy
to do......) it's like "dah"

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah..that must be shitty. Is there a way to make the fall lighter?

For my situation, it's not like I have great days, or even good. That ship has sailed and I didn't get to wave it goodbye.. It's like my days
are bad, but I'm distracting myself with stupid things and it seems like I can continue living like this for a little longer, but no, of course I can't. When I remember what has happened (unsurprisingly easy
to do......) it's like "dah"

I see. Truly, I don't know what's better because it's really sad to experience DOWNS after having such great days lol.

As for making the fall lighter, well, my meds are really helping. Bupropion is magic. The DOWNS used to be uncontrollable and I thought I might jump off my balcony a random day lol.

 

[Aloken]

I see. Truly, I don't know what's better because it's really sad to experience DOWNS after having such great days lol.

As for making the fall lighter, well, my meds are really helping. Bupropion is magic. The DOWNS used to be uncontrollable and I thought I might jump off my balcony a random day lol.

I don't know what's better either..

That's nice, that's great actually. Not the balcony part, lol.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know what you mean. I literally exist just for the sake of existing. We all do. Any activity we do is just an distraction from death, it is pointless just passing time until the inevitable. I ask myself the same question all the time, the majority of my life is wishing I was anywhere but here.

 

[Aloken]

I know what you mean. I literally exist just for the sake of existing. We all do. Any activity we do is just an distraction from death, it is pointless just passing time until the inevitable. I ask myself the same question all the time, the majority of my life is wishing I was anywhere but here.

Yes, exactly.. When you're in such pain, it just doesn't matter anymore, it's pointless.. We're
just prolonging the inevitable and our suffering..

 

[DoodleBug]

Its funny how everybody is taught to Simply get used to the shitty nature of life. "It is what it is, just get used to things not being easy, stop crying". I get it, it is what it is, theres hardly any other choices, but it sucks that everything passes and those nice moments of fixating on shit just evaporate. We keep on living in the now and experiences only crush you under their weight whether you realize it it not.

When the weed high subsides, or when you remember that life is still in motion after your break from it...it just doesnt feel right. I guess i just dont want to participate in it im incompatible with it. Nothing will survive and everybody will be forgotten and the fuckery of existence and consciousnes will always find its way to you.

 

[MindFrog]

Living nowadays feels like you're always homesick but you can't go back. There's always that pit in your stomach that telling you don't belong here anymore. Doing anything doesn't make sense anymore. It makes me feel so powerless..

"The call of the void" sounds so menacing honestly. They should call it, "missing home".

 

[Aloken]

Its funny how everybody is taught to Simply get used to the shitty nature of life. "It is what it is, just get used to things not being easy, stop crying". I get it, it is what it is, theres hardly any other choices, but it sucks that everything passes and those nice moments of fixating on shit just evaporate. We keep on living in the now and experiences only crush you under their weight whether you realize it it not.

When the weed high subsides, or when you remember that life is still in motion after your break from it...it just doesnt feel right. I guess i just dont want to participate in it im incompatible with it. Nothing will survive and everybody will be forgotten and the fuckery of existence and consciousnes will always find its way to you.

I find it extremely dangerous
that we are taught to accept every bad thing in life. I find it controlling and toxic. Some people seem so happy to have hardships and experience suffering ("wHat DoESn't KilL yOu makes yoU StrOngEr"), I don't know, that's okay, you do you, but don't expect me to be grateful that I suffer and to put on a fake smile. That's justification -and in rather worrying situations- endorsement of suffering. Like religion: "rejoice that you have this ailment! It's to humble you and to constantly
remind you that God is omnipotent!"......disgusting in my opinion.

Yeap, I get it, I don't want to be a part of this either. "The fuckery of existence and consciousness will always find its way to you" that's
an amazing way to put it! Can I steal it? :D

Living nowadays feels like you're always homesick but you can't go back. There's always that pit in your stomach that telling you don't belong here anymore. Doing anything doesn't make sense anymore. It makes me feel so powerless..

"The call of the void" sounds so menacing honestly. They should call it, "missing home".

You're so right. I do feel homesick and that I can't go back. This isn't how my life was supposed to be. My real life was something else and it could have been so much more.

"void" does sound scary, but if that means I get to stop feeling I'll be more than happy to be there

 

[Aloken]

Just do it already it doesn't get better. Nobody cares about your life. Also don't get involved with any sexual activities it's a waste and will harm you. It's for procreation only

Lol...pretty raw, huh? I don't think it'll ever get better, I'm just procrastinating while talking to the most important person in my life for a while. In a way I like your style, but maybe you should try to be less raw in case someone blames you that you promote suicide. Also, "nobody cares about your life" was that a general remark or did you mean that nobody in this site and/or my life cares about my life?

 

[DoodleBug]

I find it extremely dangerous
that we are taught to accept every bad thing in life. I find it controlling and toxic. Some people seem so happy to have hardships and experience suffering ("wHat DoESn't KilL yOu makes yoU StrOngEr"), I don't know, that's okay, you do you, but don't expect me to be grateful that I suffer and to put on a fake smile. That's justification -and in rather worrying situations- endorsement of suffering. Like religion: "rejoice that you have this ailment! It's to humble you and to constantly
remind you that God is omnipotent!"......disgusting in my opinion.

Yeap, I get it, I don't want to be a part of this either. "The fuckery of existence and consciousness will always find its way to you" that's
an amazing way to put it! Can I steal it? :D

I agree, I haven't phrased the entirety of my thoughts, cause I only had a minute to write that post while eating lunch at work, but I wholeheartedly agree with your post. Feel free to steal that sentence, though xd

Some extra random thoughts about the laughable nature of that toxic conditioning.

So much is formed around strength and perseverance, while in truth its all mainly about luck. War veterans had their techniques of minimizing the awful danger they've faced, but they mainly made it due to the luck of the draw, and this "miraculously amazing" survival leaves them full of untreatable trauma. There can be always a sniper lurking, there can always be a cheeky, unnoticed mine or somebody's perfect shot being ruined by a malfunctioning weapon. There's no higher power in that, just random chance that's being coldly calculated by neutral laws of physics. Let's face it, if John Wick had somehow existed IRL, he would've been more like Max Payne being all like "how tf am i alive, lol, just give me a drink".

Being grateful for 5 minutes of half-assed reprieve coming from months of suffering and empty efforts is nothing to be proud of, yet they want to teach us that this is what life is all about. Ok, life has always been pain, XX century revolved mainly around burning millions of people in furnaces of war and pestilence, the body-count of that century is INSANE, imagine how many Tolkiens died in the trenches. Before that it was still awful, lives were just extinguished like that, poof, no matter who you were or what you did. You could've been the Bigus Dickus of life, an absolute Chad, but then you get killed by a stray bullet or a random heart attack.

Like I wrote in my last post, I get it why people want to teach that life is a cold ass hoe and all you can do is to adapt to it. Most of the time you just...have to in order to....survive. Survival is all there is for us, SI rules all, and then we just evaporate and disappear into nothingness, even though everything screams "NOOOO YOU CAN'T DIEEEEEE, LIVE CAUSE...LIFE...YEAH?". Don't tell me that I absolutely have to abide to this fucked up rule of existence, though. I want a solid way out when everything inevitably collapses. I don't want to be told "it always gets better", cause its mainly pure chance. Sure, your best efforts maximize your chances, but those are still only 1%.

My mistake I meant to post this in the thread titled "something you would tell your past self"
I'll delete this here and repost. In wrong post. My mistake


I guess when I was browsing I thought I was still in the thread "something to tell your past self" and the page must have loaded to your thread and I wrote in the wrong thread. My mistake there. Ignore my comment.

Don't worry, mistakes happen. Hopefully nobody took it to heart.

 

[Aloken]

My mistake I meant to post this in the thread titled "something you would tell your past self"
I'll delete this here and repost. In wrong post. My mistake


I guess when I was browsing I thought I was still in the thread "something to tell your past self" and the page must have loaded to your thread and I wrote in the wrong thread. My mistake there. Ignore my comment.

Ah no problem, haha. That was good, your reply to the other post fit just fine here. A nice moment, no doubt no doubt

I agree, I haven't phrased the entirety of my thoughts, cause I only had a minute to write that post while eating lunch at work, but I wholeheartedly agree with your post. Feel free to steal that sentence, though xd

Some extra random thoughts about the laughable nature of that toxic conditioning.

So much is formed around strength and perseverance, while in truth its all mainly about luck. War veterans had their techniques of minimizing the awful danger they've faced, but they mainly made it due to the luck of the draw, and this "miraculously amazing" survival leaves them full of untreatable trauma. There can be always a sniper lurking, there can always be a cheeky, unnoticed mine or somebody's perfect shot being ruined by a malfunctioning weapon. There's no higher power in that, just random chance that's being coldly calculated by neutral laws of physics. Let's face it, if John Wick had somehow existed IRL, he would've been more like Max Payne being all like "how tf am i alive, lol, just give me a drink".

Being grateful for 5 minutes of half-assed reprieve coming from months of suffering and empty efforts is nothing to be proud of, yet they want to teach us that this is what life is all about. Ok, life has always been pain, XX century revolved mainly around burning millions of people in furnaces of war and pestilence, the body-count of that century is INSANE, imagine how many Tolkiens died in the trenches. Before that it was still awful, lives were just extinguished like that, poof, no matter who you were or what you did. You could've been the Bigus Dickus of life, an absolute Chad, but then you get killed by a stray bullet or a random heart attack.

Like I wrote in my last post, I get it why people want to teach that life is a cold ass hoe and all you can do is to adapt to it. Most of the time you just...have to in order to....survive. Survival is all there is for us, SI rules all, and then we just evaporate and disappear into nothingness, even though everything screams "NOOOO YOU CAN'T DIEEEEEE, LIVE CAUSE...LIFE...YEAH?". Don't tell me that I absolutely have to abide to this fucked up rule of existence, though. I want a solid way out when everything inevitably collapses. I don't want to be told "it always gets better", cause its mainly pure chance. Sure, your best efforts maximize your chances, but those are still only 1%.



Don't worry, mistakes happen. Hopefully nobody took it to heart.

Yay, thanks, lol!

Exactly, it's like when someone
survives a horrible fall and they say "they were miraculously saved, praise God!". Meanwhile, they are bound to have chronic health issues apart from the "initial" horrible damage, add the possible trauma and emotional pain, add the huge amounts of money for the hospital and recovery. But hey, they breathe, right? Praise the Lord! As for the luck, that's true, add the environment (which is also luck, so yeah, luck). Lol, I love John
Wick, you're right, but let's pretend that John Wick isn't lucky here, lol.

Exactly, I don't give a single crap about biological instincts and survival instinct etc etc. I'm the boss here, not mere biology. If I want out, I want out and I'll kick that little SI bitch in the butt. And I also never really understood why the "because it goes against nature" argument is being used that often. Even if something goes against nature, who gives a fuck? I don't let "biology" define me nor shape my beliefs, choices and actions. That's off topic, but not entirely

 

[ClownMe]

I ask myself this question every second of my miserable existence.