Discussion What the fuck is wrong with me?

[Misery99]

I don't know if I'm the only person like this in the world.I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.When I studied at school I was the brightest student in the class.I got highest marks without even trying hard.I skipped going to school at least 2 days in a week and only went like 3 days because I was too anxious.Still I got the first place in the class from exams.But the problem is I was so fucking socially scared.I still am.It's unbelievable.Even some teachers made fun of me because of that.They told that I was only good at exams and nothing else.It was totally true.I was afraid to play sports cause I have no idea how to do quick movements.I was given opportunities to be a prefect but I refused it because I can't speak loud enough and don't know how to demand other students what to do.Am I autistic? I read that autistic people have unusually intelligent brains but they have extreme troubles at socializing.Is it what I am? For all my life I felt like a freak, a weirdo.Government university education is free for the students who pass the final school exam in my country and I got selected to the biggest university in my country with good results but I dropped out because there's a culture called ragging here.They do verbal abuse to all students and physical abuse too sometimes if you don't do what the seniors say.They say that they do those abuse to build the personality of new students.Some of them do sexual abuse too secretly.You have to talk a lot and remember all the names of your batch mates..unless, you get punished.So being super social is required to survive free education here.I don't have those skills so I was doomed.I fell in to deep depression after qutting university.There were few other girls who always used to copy my answers back when we were in school exams.They got selected to university with fewer marks but they survived ragging because they were blessed with good social skills.Now they have graduated with degrees which means good career opportunities and it fucking hurts seeing those who copied my answers have gotten far in life while I'm still stuck in same hell hole.Why me? God! Why did I born this weird? Why is my brain wired this way? Why can't I just be normal? If I was born blessed with good social skills like those other girls I could have had stayed in university and finish my degree and make my parents proud.My dad is a poor blacksmith and he wrestle with iron to feed the family.He's old and I feel terrible about not being able to help him.He probably regrets about having me as a child.The only way here to escape poverty is by being well educated and getting a degree.I have a gift of a good brain but what's the use of it if I can't use it for me or my family's wellbeing? I know the best way I can escape from this pain is by killing myself.I'm a fucking worthless loser.I ruined my own life.

Is it autism that I have? I went to a psychiatrist and I told him that I think that I have autism but he said that I just have social phobia.I have this fear because I don't know what to say or how to act with people.For example I don't know how to talk to little kids or babies so I avoid them.I'm not good with body language.I haven't even taken a bus ride alone ever in my life because I'm scared and not good with directions.I have no idea to find where to drop.I can't ride a bike because I'm not good with quick decisions and I know I might crash.It seems like I can do NOTHING.I don't know what this curse of my life is.I wish I was never born.My dad should not have been spending money to raise me up to end up as such failure as I am.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

That sucks, you asked lots of good questions here. I know a little about living constantly in fear but what you've described sounds like a whole other level. I guess some of the things you mentioned would imply something, it might be autism or something else I'm no doc so won't try to diagnose you lol. I also don't like being on buses, they make me feel trapped.

(I'm laughing inside at the picture of me standing at the bus stop for ctb and being like 'nah I'm getting all sweaty y'all can head off I'll get the next one' lmao)

Are you in the US?

 

[Misery99]

That sucks, you asked lots of good questions here. I know a little about living constantly in fear but what you've described sounds like a whole other level. I guess some of the things you mentioned would imply something, it might be autism or something else I'm no doc so won't try to diagnose you lol. I also don't like being on buses, they make me feel trapped.

(I'm laughing inside at the picture of me standing at the bus stop for ctb and being like 'nah I'm getting all sweaty y'all can head off I'll get the next one' lmao)

Are you in the US?

Thanks for the response. No I'm not living in the USA (I wish I was) I live in a shitty 3rd world country with shitty people.The psychiatrist told me that I just have social anxiety and depression.Maybe he didn't accept that I have autism since he can't promise to cure me? I'm not sure. I know there's much more to my case than just social anxiety.Even some people with social anxiety can still function.I can't function like a normal human at all.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I feel ya, I'm similar the dr says it's anxiety and depression but when I was working I would literally drip sweat every damn day, I'd panic when the phone rang and if I pick it up someones probably yelling at me and if I don't someone else has to answer it. Eventually I quit and became NEET due to the stress. I'm sure it's not just anxiety and depression, I have no friends, like how did I drive everyone off so easy. Like you said I think it's something else, I've no idea what though.
Did you say you think your displaying signs of possible autism to the doc? I mean he should know what the 'symptoms' of it are, but then again some docs are just bad.

 

[Misery99]

I feel ya, I'm similar the dr says it's anxiety and depression but when I was working I would literally drip sweat every damn day, I'd panic when the phone rang and if I pick it up someones probably yelling at me and if I don't someone else has to answer it. Eventually I quit and became NEET due to the stress. I'm sure it's not just anxiety and depression, I have no friends, like how did I drive everyone off so easy. Like you said I think it's something else, I've no idea what though.
Did you say you think your displaying signs of possible autism to the doc? I mean he should know what the 'symptoms' of it are, but then again some docs are just bad.

Yes being a NEET is what makes me want to ctb aswell.People expected so much from me but I ended up as a loser because of my horrible social skills.I've been taking medication for depression and social anxiety for years but nothing improved.Doesn't it mean that my condition is incurable? Maybe I have high functioning autism/aspergers. I also read that it's difficult to diagnose autism in girls more than in boys.

 

[Raminiki]

I feel you all. My experiences echo your stories.

 

[Misery99]

I feel you all. My experiences echo your stories.

Do you think that the psychiatrist misdiagnosed me saying that I don't have autism?

 

[Outsider]

Could be social anxiety disorder, lack of social skills, autism, avoidant personality disorder or smth else. If I were you I would go to another psychiatrist or psychologist. They can do tests and ask you more questions. There is Leibowitz scale for social phobia, personality tests, autism tests and more. You can only find some of them online and try to autodiagnose if you know your symptoms but it is better to go to professional.

 

[Emily123]

i have the same problem and i was struggling with it all my life and i finally noticed that I was a transgender .You are the best therapist for yourself . Try to understand what's the root of your problem . There can be something in your chilhood . A good therapist can also help you to know yourself better

 

[Misery99]

Could be social anxiety disorder, lack of social skills, autism, avoidant personality disorder or smth else. If I were you I would go to another psychiatrist or psychologist. They can do tests and ask you more questions. There is Leibowitz scale for social phobia, personality tests, autism tests and more. You can only find some of them online and try to autodiagnose if you know your symptoms but it is better to go to professional.

Thanks. I checked the Leibowitz scale and I got 103 points out of 146. It said that I have very severe social anxiety. I think I have avoidant personality disorder,OCD and probably autism or aspergers too.The antidepressants he prescribed doesn't work too well.I still get very depressive and suicidal thoughts.And I feel very obsessive about someone I lost contact with.Maybe I need a higher dosage.

i have the same problem and i was struggling with it all my life and i finally noticed that I was a transgender .You are the best therapist for yourself . Try to understand what's the root of your problem . There can be something in your chilhood . A good therapist can also help you to know yourself better

I'm a girl and I never felt like I was born to a wrong gender.

 

[Emily123]

Thanks. I checked the Leibowitz scale and I got 103 points out of 146. It said that I have very severe social anxiety. I think I have avoidant personality disorder,OCD and probably autism or aspergers too.The antidepressants he prescribed doesn't work too well.I still get very depressive and suicidal thoughts.And I feel very obsessive about someone I lost contact with.Maybe I need a higher dosage.

I'm a girl and I've only been interested in men romantically and sexually. I also think that I'm a girly girl because I like fairy tales,dolls and all those girly things.I don't think that I'm transgender.

Your understanding about being trans is not correct but it's not something that I want to discuss with you . i didn't say you are a transgender . i said there must be a reason for society anxiety and you need to discover it in yourself. if you find the reason, it will be your solution to overcome it . what i explained for you about myself was just an example

 

[Misery99]

Your understanding about being trans is not correct but it's not something that I want to discuss with you . i didn't say you are a transgender . i said there must be a reason for society anxiety and you need to discover it in yourself. if you find the reason, it will be your solution to overcome it . what i explained for you about myself was just an example

I know what transgender means.It means being trapped in a gender which feels like not your true identity.For transgender people their personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.For a transgender woman it means being born with male sexual organs but she feels like a woman mentally.For a transgender man it means being born with female sexual organs but he feels like a man mentally.Transgender people can also have straight,bisexual,gay,lesbian sexual orientations like other people.Sorry there was some misinterpretation in my comment.I edited it.Hope I didn't offend you.

 

[Emily123]

I know what transgender means.It means being trapped in a gender which feels like not your true identity.For transgender people their personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.For a transgender woman it means being born with male sexual organs but she feels like a woman mentally.For a transgender man it means being born with female sexual organs but he feels like a man mentally.Transgender people can also have straight,bisexual,gay,lesbian sexual orientations like other people.Sorry there was some misinterpretation in my comment.I edited it.Hope I didn't offend you.

That is okay honey .don't think about it

 

[WitheringAway]

it fucking hurts seeing those who copied my answers have gotten far in life while I'm still stuck in same hell hole.

I feel you on this!!! Girls used to copy my answers, ask for homework etc and now they're wayyy far ahead of me with better careers and lives. It hurts. My social skills weren't the greatest in uni that's when my decline started as well. I remember certain situations I dealt with in uni and judging now with the knowledge and wisdom I have today.. I can guarantee you that people thought I was weird, a freak etc too bad I wasn't aware of it at the time.