What the FUCK is happening with my brain? Was I once again delusional?

[noname223]

I am currently extremely vulnerable. Yesterday I took 1 mg lorazepam and I am still quite puzzled. I thought this one girl had a crush on me. (This is often the content of my delusions.) Today she ignored me and sat to someone else. Last week she asked me after our first conversation whether we could sit together. To be honest I absolutely can't say anymore what the truth is and what not. I felt offended by comments about me in this forum. I think this partly stemped from my delusions. Though one comment was really mean but the person deleted it fast.

I am not sure what should have the bigger impact on me. Option 1: I thought a beautiful girl had a crush on me and now this probably only was a delusion. Deep sadness as a result.

Or 2: Should I rather be concerned by the fact that I am this delusional. To be honest this is not far away from a third psychosis. And after my next psychosis I need to ctb. In case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. I imagined to jump in front of a train this evening on my way back home. But they are all too slow and the survival risk is so high. If I had something lethal here I might would take it.

This makes me pretty anxious. What the fuck is with my brain. In addition someone today made fun of what I said today. The person repeated it in front of a group 4 times. But maybe this is only delusional too.

I am really curious what the truth with this girl was. Why has she asked me to sit next to her last week? Maybe I interpreted that wrongly. But she defnitely asked me to sit next to her? My friends say maybe she still likes you, but just sat randomly to someone else today. They think I might only interpret her behavior today in the wrong way.
But I have stopped to listen to that. During my second psychosis when the psychotic symptoms decreased but they were not gone fully. I was puzzled about everything. I have often the delusion that women liked me. A really good looking girl texted me concerning a question for college. I interpreted that as if she had a crush on me. My best friend said maybe you are not delusional, Then I asked her for a date. She rejected me. I think she had a grasp that something was off with me mental state. She still was very respectful and friendly.

However always after my psychosis with mania I feel in an extreme unbeliebvable strong way humiliated. I think someone who never had this similar feeling after a mania can't grasp that. It was extremely overwhelming. I often feel extremely ashamed also because I thought women had a crush on me and then I approach them in a cringey way. What I want to say with that: I won't apporach that woman anymore. After she sat to someone else I treated her as if she was invisible. I hope not many people have noticed my embarrassing behavior. I am not sure about that. It sounds crazy but this is currently my main concern. I rather should focus on this part with I am going to kill myself after my next psychosis.

This all feels like an extreme emergency. I am really scared about my brain. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I need a break. This is so dangerous.

 

[Foresight]

If you're feeling this vulnerable then potential girls might not even be a good focus. I know feelings will come and go. It sounds like you have a couple of friends who look out for you. Continue to lean on the people who care about you and try your best to focus mostly on the studies. The social aspect of college is difficult for many people, and I can only imagine dealing with fear of psychological breaks during school. I would try to focus on the studies mostly and continue to nurture the caring relationships you have.

I hope you feel better soon. I deal with psychosis and issues with humiliation too. My best advice is that these moments are fleeting but you'll never regret focusing in on the education and the good friends around you.

 

[noname223]

I really would love to kill myself tonight. I really think if I had SN here I might would take it. I might be too ill for a real partnership. Solely this fact is enough for me to kill myself. But I have so much more problems.

I partly regret I have no ordered it in the past. I am sick of all of this. I just started an argument with my mom. I am really like fuck the world. If the psychosomatic pain returns soon I will try to get the SN by any means possible. I am still convinced this is a rational suicide despite the fact I had some psychotic symptoms.

It is obivous that I am unable to work. I tried so many different approaches to work normally. I am not delusional about that. 2 therapists also thought the damage can't be fixed anymore/gave me up. Poverty is not delusional in my case. I can't live with the low amount of money of welfare. And frankly I also don't want to. It is obivous as fuck that I am unable to work. The only thing I do is I am postponing it all the time.

I am getting ill when I try to find a partner. Another big reason for killing myself. This is not irrational. The outcome is what makes me suicidal. I am not suicidal due to psychotic symptoms. I know people like that. Some people want to kill themselves due to delusional thoughts. But this is not true in my case.

My problems are real. Also the extreme psychosomatic pain is not delusional. The pain is real. I think if I killed myself people would claim oh but he was just mentally ill. If the psychosomatic pain returns I am killing myself. The pain is real. There is nothing delusional about it. It is as real as an heart attack. I would agree any time that if the pain returns that this would be a very good reason for a rational suicide. I don't care that the pain will go away eventually. I am convinced since 4 years that the next time the extreme psychosomatic pain returns I gonna kill myself or at least I will try to do so. This pain was unbelievable. My future hopes are naive and extremely tiny. I don't have any reason anymore to endure the pain once again.

 

[Foresight]

Jesus I hit the wrong emoji. I'm sorry noname. I understand the depths you're in. I hope you get some solace.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Though one comment was really mean but the person deleted it fast.

Hope it wasn't my drunk comment that upset you. Don't think it was, but I apologize just in case.

 

[whatevs]

She might have decided that she doesn't like you after all. It doesn't look good on her. Even if she is shit testing you she is bad news. So either doesn't actually want to know you anymore or is playing with you to see the reaction. Both possibilities have to be dealt with ignoring her from now on.

Your delusions are not dangerous, they seem very tame. I get these flirting delusions too, they haven't felt very stressful overall, and I even proved they aren't always delusions by hooking up with some of these women. But that was ages ago.

The way you feel is the dangerous part, you are obviously tormented by your mental issues. From the outside though, flirting delusions are very small compared with the size a persecutory delusions has, or outright hallucinations.

I'm sorry you have to go through this in your life.

 

[noname223]

Hope it wasn't my drunk comment that upset you. Don't think it was, but I apologize just in case.

Yeah it was this one. But I know that have problems with writing in this forum when you are drunk. Thanks for your apology.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Take a breath, reel yourself in, and get in touch with your psychiatrist ASAP.

Tell them it's an emergency.

 

[noname223]

Take a breath, reel yourself in, and get in touch with your psychiatrist ASAP.

Tell them it's an emergency.

Yeah I have an appoinment on Friday. But I consider to go a professional I know who is responsible for emergency cases. But I am quite embarrassed about this delusion that I had a crush. I think some people in the course have noticed it. The shame is quite extreme currently. It feels like heat. It feels like my brain would melt. My ears are extremely red and warm. I feel a bit like throwing up. I should try not to think about that so much. I take once again emergency medication I assume...

Just fuck all the people who have noticed it. Fuck it. These people will forget me after 2 seconds when I quit college. I had similar experiences in the past and most people don't care about your well-being. Delusional people are always good for a cheap laugh. There are people who make way worse shit than me. But the extreme shame is real.

I would love to kill myself tonight. But I don't have any lethal means. I despise myself. It is all so cyncial. I am always the butt of the joke.

 

[Foresight]

Fuck them man. You won't even remember them either. You matter as much as any of them. Lean into the people who have proven to be friends.

Rest, read your favorite things, and lay low. College is a shitshow imo. It's like high school on steroids. Things change down the road when life and age humbles people. No guarentee it'll get better but it's definitely skewed reality in a college setting.

 

[_Seeking]

You may not have been delusional about this girl. At this age, they can be fickle. It may be that she liked you and then decided she liked someone else better, and there isn't much you can do about it. You shouldn't feel embarrassed, it is natural to get crushes and it says more about the other people if they want to have a laugh at your expense. It sounds like you have some decent friends that care about you, I would ignore the others. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.