What the fuck is going on?

[greyblue_bian]

For the past few days, I have rarely been hungry or thirsty and it's been increasingly difficult to get myself to fall asleep at night.

I'm usually knocking out around 4 am. My boyfriend and I had the worst "argument" on Christmas Eve night and now he rarely talks to me. I think it's because I started calling and texting him multiple times throughout the night. After all, he fell asleep mid-argument and I thought he just blocked and left me. I told him that even if he was cheating or playing me, it wouldn't matter and I didn't care because I'm alone and I care about him. I told him it feels like he doesn't care about me the same or as much as I care about him. I told him that all I wanted was for him to talk to me about literally anything because he doesn't anymore and expects me to initiate conversation and interaction. I'm tired. I didn't text him first this morning but he did and he probably expects me to be happy about that for a while and text and call him first but I don't have it in me anymore. I lied when I said I didn't care if he was cheating or fucking with me. I would just leave him. I'm begging him to care about me and make time to have a conversation with me from time to time. I am willing and able to wait if he needs time away if he's going through something mentally, but besides that, he no longer talks to me or wants to do things with me. He doesn't ask me for face pictures and it's been 2 months since we FaceTimed and we've been dating for 3 months now. We're long distance by the way. He says he never knows when he'll have the time to meet up in person because of work and doesn't want me to send him gifts for his birthday or holidays. I have no idea what else I can do. I've tried bringing this up multiple to him but he just says I'm over-thinking and that we'll just talk about it later. I've told him that others say I should break up with him that he's manipulating me and that he has some control over me, and before I can even tell them what they say, he just says it doesn't matter no matter who or what they say and the explanations as to why they said that. I get that they aren't in my relationship, but even without their input or advice, I would still feel the same.

I noticed that I'm too attached to him and how tired I'm getting from trying to get him back emotionally, so I've started making the effort to not talk first all of the time and be the one to want to do things all the time. If he wants to, he will ask. If not, I'll probably just going to be waiting forever. As shitty as that sounds. I'm sorry about this vent, but this is helping a lot. I've considered possibly catching the bus as soon as I finish my book and getting my apartment so I'll have privacy in the next couple of years or so because I don't know why this shit keeps happening to me. Even my own family when I'm just trying to set boundaries and tell them how I feel. It is my fault for choosing or getting stuck with the wrong people. Except for one person. But, we're apart now and I'm not sure if they still care for me the same anymore. I do still love them, though. This is a family member I'm talking about, not an ex.

I think I'll just stop here or else I'll just keep going.

 

[annointed_towers]

He sounds just like my boyfriend who ruined my life and is the reason I'm here

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

Stop giving him your energy.

If you have to beg for someone's attention or interaction, they don't care about you, bottom line.

I've been through it myself.

For all you know, he's probably got a whole wife and kids on the side, considering ya'll are long distance, he makes excuses not to meet, and doesn't want you to mail him gifts.