Abandoned Character
(he./him)
- Mar 24, 2023
- 256
This is somewhat a stream of consciousness, I hope it is okay to post here. Maybe someone out there relates. Cheers, friends.
The critic has too much power, too much control. Overthinking, overanalyzing, deleting and backspacing any attempt to express myself. "What do you think you're doing? What are you trying to accomplish? Your life will not change through the words you say, be real with yourself. Do not convince yourself that you are making any meaningful progress so long as you are not comitting to action."
"Who are you writing for, anyway? Are you kidding yourself?"
Paralyzed, succumbed to fear of being disregarded, misunderstood, ignored.
Where is the fire--the fire you know exists--that creates, amplifies, and excites?
Your neurotic self-correction casts doubt over every thought, action, and consideration.
I hate it. I hate the part of me that holds everything back, the part of me that gives up.
I hate the part of me that gives up, the part of me that cowers when faced with decision.
"That sucks. That is not going to work. That isn't enough. You can do better. You have no idea what you are doing. This is not going to succeed."
I have yet to finish my college degree. I stopped just short of the final credit, a credit that feels insurmountable. It's been nearly a year and a half now. Every paper, every project, I would turn in late. I would make up an excuse to get extra time, only to stay up all night working to create a final product out of nothing. And every single time, I asked myself "how did I let this happen, again? why does this keep happening?"
Perhaps it is a focus/attention issue. Perhaps it is emotional regulation. Perhaps it is disorder of the executive function.
I feel like I am dancing around the answer to my dilemma, but it is slippery like water through my fingers. Tied to all of this are feelings of aimlessness, lack of ambition, and hedonism. To borrow a term from christianity, I give in to sloth. I fart around, approach life lazily, and opt for experiencing instant gratification over the pain of engaging in problem-solving.* If I truly want to break free from this cycle, I must convince myself that the pain of problem-solving* is worthwhile.
*Not all problem-solving is created equal. Solving a sudoku puzzle is not very painful, but writing a report is; I think my struggle with this relationship is the level of self-doubt and neurotic self-correction that is present in the latter. I don't know, I think I am speaking in circles.
The critic has too much power, too much control. Overthinking, overanalyzing, deleting and backspacing any attempt to express myself. "What do you think you're doing? What are you trying to accomplish? Your life will not change through the words you say, be real with yourself. Do not convince yourself that you are making any meaningful progress so long as you are not comitting to action."
"Who are you writing for, anyway? Are you kidding yourself?"
Paralyzed, succumbed to fear of being disregarded, misunderstood, ignored.
Where is the fire--the fire you know exists--that creates, amplifies, and excites?
Your neurotic self-correction casts doubt over every thought, action, and consideration.
I hate it. I hate the part of me that holds everything back, the part of me that gives up.
I hate the part of me that gives up, the part of me that cowers when faced with decision.
"That sucks. That is not going to work. That isn't enough. You can do better. You have no idea what you are doing. This is not going to succeed."
I have yet to finish my college degree. I stopped just short of the final credit, a credit that feels insurmountable. It's been nearly a year and a half now. Every paper, every project, I would turn in late. I would make up an excuse to get extra time, only to stay up all night working to create a final product out of nothing. And every single time, I asked myself "how did I let this happen, again? why does this keep happening?"
Perhaps it is a focus/attention issue. Perhaps it is emotional regulation. Perhaps it is disorder of the executive function.
I feel like I am dancing around the answer to my dilemma, but it is slippery like water through my fingers. Tied to all of this are feelings of aimlessness, lack of ambition, and hedonism. To borrow a term from christianity, I give in to sloth. I fart around, approach life lazily, and opt for experiencing instant gratification over the pain of engaging in problem-solving.* If I truly want to break free from this cycle, I must convince myself that the pain of problem-solving* is worthwhile.
*Not all problem-solving is created equal. Solving a sudoku puzzle is not very painful, but writing a report is; I think my struggle with this relationship is the level of self-doubt and neurotic self-correction that is present in the latter. I don't know, I think I am speaking in circles.
