what should I do?

[sunshineflower]

hi everyone! i'm new here, I want to start by saying how grateful I am for a site like this to be here.

here's my story, I'm a 20 year old male, I study at uni in the uk. it seems like everyday for the past 4/5 years I've felt tired, anxious, depressed, angry, hopeless, lonely etc. ive had suicidal thoughts for a long time. I have fantastic friends, and some great family. I was abused a bit by my dad as a child and teen. I wouldn't say im perticualy bad looking, and im not socially awkward. and I have great memories with people.

but I have a strong desire to die, I no longer want to be here. I can't be bothered to succeed in life, as what's the point when I feel sad so much of the time. I get very jealous and paranoid by many things. I have a girlfriend and I just feel jealous and paranoid all the time, from morning till night, every day. I love her a lot but I know from my last break up with someone I felt the worst id ever felt for a year at least. I can't go through that again.

the only thing stopping me from committing suicide at the moment is the effect it will have on my mum and younger sister. they enjoy life, and if I committed suicide it would ruin theirs. so I feel very frustrated by it all. ive received help from people, but I don't see how I feel shifting. it makes so much sense for me to die. I don't see it s a bad thing in the slightest. I will be once at peace. we live in such an artificial world. we are so far removed from how life should be. you don't see wild animals depressed and wanting to commit suicide. and the animals that are, are the ones we humans keep in captivity or abuse.

I need help, what should I do?

do I choose to be selfish resulting in ruining other peoples lives, or do I keep living a miserable life. I don't know if I can face the obsticals I will have to face in my future. I don't want to deal with them.

also, anyone looking for a suicide partner in the north of the UK please comment below. if im to do this id like to do it with someone.

and if anyone knows how and where to buy cyanide from that would be very helpful. as this will be my chosen method.

thank you guys!

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

People here seem to hate when I mention this but have you tried therapy ?

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I wonder if you've had a mental health assessment? Some mh disorders can cause you to feel suicidal, hopeless jealous, paranoid and lose interest in things you once enjoyed.

 

[sunshineflower]

People here seem to hate when I mention this but have you tried therapy ?

hi thanks for replying. im currently on a waiting list for some kind of therapy. but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere, and I doubt it will actually work. they teach you copping mechanisms etc. I want to be fixed. but I don't feel fixable. I thing my brain iOS wired differently, I feel like im probably too damaged from my childhood. I might feel a bit better after it all but I don't think it will be enough.

I wonder if you've had a mental health assessment? Some mh disorders can cause you to feel suicidal, hopeless jealous, paranoid and lose interest in things you once enjoyed.

I think ive had one and I think they just said I was probably anxious. ive gone through quite a few channels of help and never really got anywhere with it all.

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

hi thanks for replying. im currently on a waiting list for some kind of therapy. but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere, and I doubt it will actually work. they teach you copping mechanisms etc. I want to be fixed. but I don't feel fixable. I thing my brain iOS wired differently, I feel like im probably too damaged from my childhood. I might feel a bit better after it all but I don't think it will be enough.

It's perfectly normal to feel anxious and have doubts about therapy, but you haven't tried it yet, it might really help you cope with your paranoia and suicidal thoughts. All I'm saying is that it's worth a shot and I hope you go when it's your turn.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I am sorry to hear that you are having all these emotions. I've read somewhere that the reason why someone feels suicidal isn't because they are weak, but because the amount of suffering that they are facing is greater than the amount of resources they have to help them balance it out.

You mentioned that you are on a waiting list for some kind of therapy, how about you give that a shot and see where it leads you? It is also important to note that at the end of the day, it is your life and you have the right to do what is of your best interests. It is understandable that you feel bad for people you will leave behind, but also prioritise yourself and your feelings.

We can't decide for you on what to do, but in the mean time, we'll be here if you ever need to talk about your feelings. Hope you feel at ease and find the peace you need soon.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

hi thanks for replying. im currently on a waiting list for some kind of therapy. but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere, and I doubt it will actually work. they teach you copping mechanisms etc. I want to be fixed. but I don't feel fixable. I thing my brain iOS wired differently, I feel like im probably too damaged from my childhood. I might feel a bit better after it all but I don't think it will be enough.

I think ive had one and I think they just said I was probably anxious. ive gone through quite a few channels of help and never really got anywhere with it all.

If you THINK you've had a mh assessment, then you won't have had a thorough one. Some mh disorders, personality disorders for example, take months to diagnose, and if your assessment was when you were in your teens, they are reluctant to diagnose much more than anxiety or depression, due to changes in hormones at that age.

It really would be worthwhile seeing your GP and being honest about how you're feeling (pretty much as you've described to us here), and your GP will refer you to the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) for a thorough assessment.

You are so very young and the way you are feeling can be changed with the help of therapy, counselling and, in some cases, medication.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Op the only thing you can do is think for yourself you have free agency.
Have you considered why you feel as you do? you mentioned the world is artificial and it is and success as termed by most is not something all of us even want.
Have you considered actually just turning your back on everything and doing whatever you want?
I am not trying to give you some delusional optimistic schtick I just think we should investigate our psyche before deciding to end it all but if you
want to die today power to you.