Discussion what moment (like instant) “sparked” your will to die?

[KiraComplex]

(tw- child abuse)

i want to hear other's stories. what made your life switch from on to off in a matter of seconds?

me personally, i was 11. i never really took care of myself and had curly hair that tangles when i dont brush it. i had a big tangle and my dad got angry at me about it and said shit like "if you wanted dreads, ask your fucking mom" (whos black), and just terrible shit. after a while my mom came in to see what was going on, and my dad just started yelling at me. i was in a towel from the shower and felt super out in the open, and i tried to leave. he then grabbed me and pinned me against the side of the counter and hit me repeatedly against my face. i just remember in that moment, clutching my towel and my head going limp. the strikes didnt hurt, at least i didnt notice. i was more surprised and scared than physically hurt. he left me go and i remember my mom running to me and holding me, yelling at my dad to get the fuck out. ive never cried harder. in those few moments, my life just,,, switched. ive always been depressed and lonely, but ive always tried to ignore it and move on.

but those were the last seconds of my life. my childhood was gone in an instant.

i knew that friends come and go, but i was old enough to know that parents are forever and they're supposed to be there for you and help you and love you. i couldn't believe he did that.

hes changed now, in a sense that hes no longer physically abusive. but when i lie in bed on nights like tonight, i just remember what happened.

anyways.

 

[almost_dead]

my crush doesnt like me

 

[ophiastri]

I don't think there was a "moment" that ignited the tinder but just an entire life of neglect in the extreme.

I had really bad bullying problems when I was in school and I remember having this feeling as early as late elementary school. Things are pretty dark for me now but the shade I was back then left a crater inside of me. I really don't know how to accurately depict what it feels like to believe that literally, every human being in the world hates you. I thought my life was like The Truman Show, just a comedy routine for everyone else to watch. On top of that home was hellish and a sibling was the epitome of a tyrant and, not hyperbole, acted much like a nazi. Had to leave the house at times after they screamed they were gonna kill us all. They have improved since then but yeah.

This characterization is sad and depressing but words do not even come close to how deeply you feel like pitch (tar) after living in that darkness for several years. Just a sticky, hot, lightless swamp of endless misery. It eventually stopped being THAT bleak but it was still always pretty bad.

I honestly can't remember a single day of my life where I haven't internally uttered how much I want to die, but I always thought there really was no decent way to go. Everything is just now coming to a head and I finally have decided to end the cycle. More than a quarter-century of torture is long enough.

 

[KiraComplex]

I don't think there was a "moment" that ignited the tinder but just an entire life of neglect in the extreme.

I had really bad bullying problems when I was in school and I remember having this feeling as early as late elementary school. Things are pretty dark for me now but the shade I was back then left a crater inside of me. I really don't know how to accurately depict what it feels like to believe that literally, every human being in the world hates you. I thought my life was like The Truman Show, just a comedy routine for everyone else to watch. On top of that home was hellish and a sibling was the epitome of a tyrant and, not hyperbole, acted much like a nazi. Had to leave the house at times after they screamed they were gonna kill us all. They have improved since then but yeah.

This characterization is sad and depressing but words do not even come close to how deeply you feel like pitch (tar) after living in that darkness for several years. Just a sticky, hot, lightless swamp of endless misery. It eventually stopped being THAT bleak but it was still always pretty bad.

I honestly can't remember a single day of my life where I haven't internally uttered how much I want to die, but I always thought there really was no decent way to go. Everything is just now coming to a head and I finally have decided to end the cycle. More than a quarter-century of torture is long enough.

being in tar. thats THE way to describe sadness.

 

[ophiastri]

being in tar. thats THE way to describe sadness.

Or this:

 

[KiraComplex]

Or this:

advanced depression

 

[LastWhisper]

There was a couple of similar moments that makes me willing to die, but I lived through them somehow until it happened again now.

It seems that I like to destroy every good thing in my life to cause pain and suffering, but that's ok until it affects other people.

Recently I, as always, broke up all communications with my only close friend, and it really made him sad. He tried to help me, but I rejected everything and I really disappointed him not only in myself, but also in people in general. It seems like it's not a big problem and I would agree if that didn't happen every fucking time with every single person in my life. I just realize what an asshole I am. I hate my behavior, but I never can change it. I hate myself for such moments (but not only for them). I can't live with it.

 

[IRIYAMA]

About a year after getting sick with an unknown illness and numerous symptoms. I finally snapped and made efforts to find a way to CTB...

 

[Jellyfish42]

There wasn't really a single moment that triggered my desire to ctb. The desire manifested over time in my transition into adulthood (from 19 to now where im 24). It's a combination of moments/experiences/realizations that has brought me to this low point.

 

[ghostspace]

When I was 8, my dad was trying to take away my art set and I wouldn't let go of it so he grabbed me and started shaking me hard. I said, "Why don't you just kill me if you hate me so much? You're strong enough, you could kill me if you wanted to."

I felt terrified because I thought I'd put the idea in his head but he stopped immediately and I cried until I was tired.

I was scared of being killed but the idea of dying was nice because I thought I would just go to heaven and that would be less stressful.

 

[KiraComplex]

When I was 8, my dad was trying to take away my art set and I wouldn't let go of it so he grabbed me and started shaking me hard. I said, "Why don't you just kill me if you hate me so much? You're strong enough, you could kill me if you wanted to."

I felt terrified because I thought I'd put the idea in his head but he stopped immediately and I cried until I was tired.

I was scared of being killed but the idea of dying was nice because I thought I would just go to heaven and that would be less stressful.

this.

 

[Wayfaerer]

In the spring of 2018, things have never been better as I was going somewhere for once and fast! That came to a screeching halt in june of that year and fast-forward to may of 2019, it got even worse. That's when I snapped and was ready for CTB. I first found lostallhope and then not long after, this place.

I remember way back when I was 18 having thought I hit rock bottom, what a joke...

 

[lostangel]

Damn, I'm sorry you went through that. I think for me it was always meant to be. I was a reject, I could never fit in, I was never ''normal''. I can't remember the exact moment but I was 14 when I knew I was going to die by suicide. I think it was because I was isolated from the other kids my whole life and it all just clicked. That I wasn't meant to be.

 

[Ghost2211]

I've never wanted to be alive, but what pushed me over the edge was my ex telling me he was dating the woman he cheated with, and planned to be together forever and have a baby in a couple years and them raise my kids. Turns out she left him after the honeymoon phase ended but I never recovered from 6 months of watching the whole life I had built fall apart.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I don't know about an exact moment but I remember in elementary school we had single person bathrooms in each classroom and I'd lock myself in for hours, and that's about when I started thinking about it. One of my friends mimicked asphyxiating himself with rubber bands, and even though he wasn't in physical danger, he was smart enough to know it wouldn't work and I knew too, when I saw the act I thought that that's the way I'm gonna go.

@ophiastri
I can relate. I accepted that that was the nature of my reality from a very young age. Nothing's really ever changed it. It's like a law. I've learned to put on the appearance of feeling otherwise but it won't ever change. It doesn't even bother me that much because I don't know what it's like to feel any differently. I just want to get away.

 

[WFJ74]

For me it wasn't a specific moment or instant. Its been a slow build up over the last few years. I attempted when I was 19 and had an abusive stepfather who would rip me out of bed in the middle of the night. When I tried and was "saved" I put CTB out of my mind for 20+ years. After the failures I've had recently the desire has come back. I don't think I'm really ready to put all of it out there publicly but I have fucked a lot of stuff up in my life and its hard living with it.

 

[Superdeterminist]

For me it wasn't a specific moment or instant. Its been a slow build up over the last few years. I attempted when I was 19 and had an abusive stepfather who would rip me out of bed in the middle of the night. When I tried and was "saved" I put CTB out of my mind for 20+ years. After the failures I've had recently the desire has come back. I don't think I'm really ready to put all of it out there publicly but I have fucked a lot of stuff up in my life and its hard living with it.

For me it was also a slow build-up. Almost homeless, arrested, dropped out of university, I didn't want any of this but it ended up happening, never had I imagined that this would be my fate. Now I've fallen out of love with life, in a way that feels permanent, and increasingly I harbour contempt for life, because I see more and more just how much pain it can deal to people, never giving any justification for it (not that there could really be any that would satisfy). The countless who have already lived, suffered, and died, where is their recompense? And where will be ours?

 

[LonelyNick]

After being in pain for months, I call the Dr office asking when will my surgery be. The receptionist laughed at me and said the waitlist is one year. 49 weeks. That's when I decided I will not live in pain for that long.

 

[KiraComplex]

I've never wanted to be alive, but what pushed me over the edge was my ex telling me he was dating the woman he cheated with, and planned to be together forever and have a baby in a couple years and them raise my kids. Turns out she left him after the honeymoon phase ended but I never recovered from 6 months of watching the whole life I had built fall apart.

this actually made me tear up. im sorry.

After being in pain for months, I call the Dr office asking when will my surgery be. The receptionist laughed at me and said the waitlist is one year. 49 weeks. That's when I decided I will not live in pain for that long.

laughed?????

 

[LonelyNick]

this actually made me tear up. im sorry.

laughed?????

Yuuup. She was super condescending after and told me to go to the ER. I called them because I had just been turned away from the ER.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i was forced to visit my dad for three weeks. in that time period, he threatened to hit me (he's done it before as punishment) and forced me to clean every day. during that time, i constantly contemplated suicide, murder, or both.

a year or so after that, i kept fucking up friendships because i got too attached, and i just wanted to die, because i was in so much pain.

i only really decided to commit suicide this year, after realizing all the horrible things i've done can only be forgiven with my death.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

At 7 years old, I had to live with my aunt and her son who was 14 at the time. Her son was at school when I visited her so I didn't meet him till the day after. I remember the first time I visited her she was very nice and patient and I asked my dad if I could stay with her for the night because she was so nice.

I didn't know then but I learned my parents were working stuff out/arguing and didn't want me to be in that environment so my dad left me with my aunt. But he never told me why he left. Nothing. I think my aunt assumed my dad said something but he didn't. I thought I was abandoned and waited for my dad to come back. I could've asked my aunt why my dad didn't come back but I was too scared to ask because her son always gave me a threatening look whenever I talked.

Her son hated me. He never did anything sexual or physical but he choked me once for saying a bad word and all I remember was being confused and almost passing out and waking up and him acting as if nothing happened playing league of legends. If I made the simplest mistake, my aunt and her son would taunt me. I was surrounded by people who felt like they only hated me. My uncle, my aunt's husband, was the only person in that house who cared but he wasn't home often. I remember being scared of the dark and everyone being angry for sleeping with my lights on but my uncle slept on the floor so I wouldn't be scared.

Everyday, I counted whenever they would say something that made me feel bad and it was always over 20 times.

I think my life flashed over my eyes when my aunt said "If you run away, we'll abandon you.." in a really hurtful way. I know it doesn't make sense now but as a seven year old I thought "If that's true.. wouldn't it be better for everyone if I just died?". The proof for that felt overwhelming. Nobody loved me. My parents abandoned me.

If I never lived with my aunt, I'm positive I would be successful and not as lazy and stupid as I am now. When my medicine worked, I was able to handle AP classes in all core subjects but when the effect wore off I was hospitalized 4 times in a matter of months. The trauma never leaves me. Whenever I hear of kids who are 7,8,9, etc killing themselves I can understand. Now that I'm older, it's horrifying and morbid. But I can understand. I could understand the kid who was so desperate to die he bent his knees hanging on the children's park playground ladder. I could easily see myself in his position when I was 7 years old. There's people on S.S who have been abused 1000x times worse and I can't imagine that kind of trauma.

tldr; i lived with my aunt at 7 years old and after months of hurtful comments and passive aggressiveness, i decided to take her up on the offer of making everyone's life easier by killing myself

 

[Partial-Elf]

Age 20, when an ex was self harming after I broke up with her. I'd had painful depressions since 14 or 15 but never crossed into being suicidal until then. I think it was something about the guilt and the uncertainty of if she was okay and if I was making the right decision, plus seeing her actually cut herself. Seems lame, but somehow it's what did it.

I'm nearly 26 now and have been varying degrees of suicidal since then. About 1/4 of the time suicide is an obsession, and the other 3/4 it's more like death as a passive ideology. An ideology that I would choose non existence over life no Questions asked, assuming a certain degree of painlessness. Maybe one of these days...

 

[Mysterygirl2018]

Honestly, I'm not sure. I started self harming very young. I was bullied and I had bad people in my family. The first time I was really wanting to die and almost went through with it. Was when my sister kicked me out of her family after finding out I was a lesbian. I do get a very weird sensation when I get very suicidal. It's like a warm feeling in my chest and stomach. A feeling of warm peacefulness by wanting to take my life. My mind numbing and going to a very dark place which I was basically fantasying it. I do cry sometimes but with a straight face as if I know my fate and must embrace it. I have no idea if anyone has had a similar feeling but that's my story .

 

[KiraComplex]

At 7 years old, I had to live with my aunt and her son who was 14 at the time. Her son was at school when I visited her so I didn't meet him till the day after. I remember the first time I visited her she was very nice and patient and I asked my dad if I could stay with her for the night because she was so nice.

I didn't know then but I learned my parents were working stuff out/arguing and didn't want me to be in that environment so my dad left me with my aunt. But he never told me why he left. Nothing. I think my aunt assumed my dad said something but he didn't. I thought I was abandoned and waited for my dad to come back. I could've asked my aunt why my dad didn't come back but I was too scared to ask because her son always gave me a threatening look whenever I talked.

Her son hated me. He never did anything sexual or physical but he choked me once for saying a bad word and all I remember was being confused and almost passing out and waking up and him acting as if nothing happened playing league of legends. If I made the simplest mistake, my aunt and her son would taunt me. I was surrounded by people who felt like they only hated me. My uncle, my aunt's husband, was the only person in that house who cared but he wasn't home often. I remember being scared of the dark and everyone being angry for sleeping with my lights on but my uncle slept on the floor so I wouldn't be scared.

Everyday, I counted whenever they would say something that made me feel bad and it was always over 20 times.

I think my life flashed over my eyes when my aunt said "If you run away, we'll abandon you.." in a really hurtful way. I know it doesn't make sense now but as a seven year old I thought "If that's true.. wouldn't it be better for everyone if I just died?". The proof for that felt overwhelming. Nobody loved me. My parents abandoned me.

If I never lived with my aunt, I'm positive I would be successful and not as lazy and stupid as I am now. When my medicine worked, I was able to handle AP classes in all core subjects but when the effect wore off I was hospitalized 4 times in a matter of months. The trauma never leaves me. Whenever I hear of kids who are 7,8,9, etc killing themselves I can understand. Now that I'm older, it's horrifying and morbid. But I can understand. I could understand the kid who was so desperate to die he bent his knees hanging on the children's park playground ladder. I could easily see myself in his position when I was 7 years old. There's people on S.S who have been abused 1000x times worse and I can't imagine that kind of trauma.

tldr; i lived with my aunt at 7 years old and after months of hurtful comments and passive aggressiveness, i decided to take her up on the offer of making everyone's life easier by killing myself

did you ever find out what happened to your dad? sorry you had to go through that.

Honestly, I'm not sure. I started self harming very young. I was bullied and I had bad people in my family. The first time I was really wanting to die and almost went through with it. Was when my sister kicked me out of her family after finding out I was a lesbian. I do get a very weird sensation when I get very suicidal. It's like a warm feeling in my chest and stomach. A feeling of warm peacefulness by wanting to take my life. My mind numbing and going to a very dark place which I was basically fantasying it. I do cry sometimes but with a straight face as if I know my fate and must embrace it. I have no idea if anyone has had a similar feeling but that's my story .

ah... the warmth.

somethings are just destined to be, liked by society or not.