mistakes i made were failing to understand the consequences of my actions, taking a good life and good people for granted. if only we had 2 chances at life :)
"you reap what you sow" applies to me.
I am unsure but a few that come to mind are not finishing school (getting deliberately excluded to prove a point to lying care workers), pleading guilty to a crime I hadn't commited in court on the advice of my legal aid solicitor through fear of going to prison if found guilty after pleading not guilty. Quiting a great job I loved as a teenager due to having to attend college for 10 weeks and it brought back memories of my time in the care system (children's homes mentality) and boarding school (were I'd suffered bullying etc) so felt I couldn't do it and quit the job rather than go to college. Gambling as I have no self control and always end up trying to win back losses or go crazy Ivan (as I did a few weekends ago putting about a total of 20K - every penny I had - on one match and losing so now I have nothing). I said I'd leave it to fate if I won I'd seek help - Gamblers Anonymous - but if I lost I'd CTB. Alas I wasn't able to go through with the latter as could not find a painless way to overcome my fears of failing - as have painful memories of a failed attempt by overdose from my teenage years while in care. Lastly abandoning my job I've had for over 20 years as I just grew to hate it (the work) and did not like some of my colleagues. Which means now I have no income so if I don't CTB slowly life gets progressively worse as I can't pay my bills so will run up credit card debts to do so aswell as buy food which ultimately means I guess I'll end up with bailfs and debt collectors at my door, have my utilities turned off and ultimately the housing trust repossess my home when I can't pay the lease holder fees and service charges. So the future looks bleak.
1. Treating my dear wife like crap, cheating on her, being a complete asshole, make her cry and finally pushing her away... i miss her so much it hurts and its not going away...
Never covering my bedroom/attic window then realising 8 years later that's the reason I've always been up at the crack on dawn.. no way of fixing this.
I sometimes wonder if I'll be better off not having started this downward spiral, but since I'm stuck, would it be better to end off this life before it gets worse?
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