What methods do you use to get your suicidal impulses going?

[Cockney_Rebel]

Myself, I'm addicted to hospital programs.

I love 24 Hours in A&E (UK) which I watch religiously. I love seeing the patients on the hospital bed, in critical condition, and I actually get to a place where I literally project myself there. I phantasise that it's ME getting the treatment, the doctors and surgeons are all swarming around me. It really gets me.

I also like other hospital programs like Inside The Ambulance and A&E After Dark.

I'm so used to being in ambulances and hospitals by now that I feel at home when I watch (literally study) these programmes.

I'm also in touch with some of the other patients from the countless psych ward stays, and there's one in particular who gets me going.

Additionally, music is a big one for me. Leading up to an OD, I'll usually be drinking whilst watching music videos on YouTube. Ordinary World by Duran Duran will be my tune at my funeral. The lyrics couldn't sum my thoughts up any better. "I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world I must find" ... fuck, that just gave me goosebumps.

What about you? What gets you going?

 

[Symbiote]

Get into an argument with my wife or my wife telling me how I fucked up something.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Get into an argument with my wife or my wife telling me how I fucked up something.

Sounds like your relationship is stretched.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

1. Compare myself to others.
2. Draw from the boiling well of suicidal rage at my parents.
3. Imagine having a gf.

The result of all of these are (1) pressure, (2) a feeling of inferiority, (3) excruciating pain and (4) a need to do something about this now. The only action that I can take to rectify my low social status, lack of love and my anger at having weak parents immediately is suicide. Now, if I can just figure out a painless partial this isn't necessary--but if I am forced to jump it might be.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Get into an argument with my wife or my wife telling me how I fucked up something.

So familiar situation with my man.

 

[hahabye]

Just living my life is enough for me ;]

 

[HenryHobkins]

think of my past

 

[Mistake of Nature]

Looking in the mirror and seeing the monstrosity staring back at me, thinking of everything I've missed out on and all that I'll never get to experience, and reflecting on all the pain, suffering, loneliness that awaits me. I just need to fucking die already.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Looking in the mirror and seeing the monstrosity staring back at me, thinking of everything I've missed out on and all that I'll never get to experience, and reflecting on all the pain, suffering, loneliness that awaits me. I just need to fucking die already.

Deep.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Is there a way to trick yourself or induce self hypnosis? I know this sounds very stupid but what else can we do to make suicide easier? Is that the secret? That there is no secret and you just have to get it over with?

Everyday I want to kill myself but on the very rare occasions I actually work up the courage to attempt it, the very last moment I end up backing out. It is such a mindfuck knowing you are seconds away from self deliverance but some automatic response system shuts everything down against your will.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Is there a way to trick yourself or induce self hypnosis? I know this sounds very stupid but what else can we do to make suicide easier? Is that the secret? That there is no secret and you just have to get it over with?

Everyday I want to kill myself but on the very rare occasions I actually work up the courage to attempt it, the very last moment I end up backing out. It is such a mindfuck knowing you are seconds away from self deliverance but some automatic response system shuts everything down against your will.

Alcohol is a great tool, when making an attempt.

Especially when overdosing, it makes the tablets much more effective (deadly.)

It can also be used to diminish your inhibitions/fears.

Psych yourself up, drink some strong alcohol (don't waste your time with lager or such, as it will only bloat you and will have minimal effect,) put some triggering music on (YouTube is best, I feel, as the music videos can also be a great trigger) and you will find it much easier to do.

The body's self defence mechanism will always kick in, but you can overcome it.

And don't put yourself down ... you don't sound stupid. You're just trying to find your way.

If I can help, I will.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I don't usually try and make myself feel suicidal. What usually leads to it is me ruminating about my situation in life and comparing it with others I know who are doing much better, which causes a crushing feeling to come over me. I then conclude I just have to get out of here because the difference between our lives is just too humilating.

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

Myself, I'm addicted to hospital programs.

I love 24 Hours in A&E (UK) which I watch religiously. I love seeing the patients on the hospital bed, in critical condition, and I actually get to a place where I literally project myself there. I phantasise that it's ME getting the treatment, the doctors and surgeons are all swarming around me. It really gets me.

I also like other hospital programs like Inside The Ambulance and A&E After Dark.

I'm so used to being in ambulances and hospitals by now that I feel at home when I watch (literally study) these programmes.

I'm also in touch with some of the other patients from the countless psych ward stays, and there's one in particular who gets me going.

Additionally, music is a big one for me. Leading up to an OD, I'll usually be drinking whilst watching music videos on YouTube. Ordinary World by Duran Duran will be my tune at my funeral. The lyrics couldn't sum my thoughts up any better. "I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world I must find" ... fuck, that just gave me goosebumps.

What about you? What gets you going?

this thread, gets me going

 

[Aeathelina]

Just thinking about all my past mistakes and the fearful future and now it's all my fault because I was too weak to handle the shit hand that Life had dealt me. That and it used to be alcohol but I stopped drinking so I could starve myself

 

[filthyrottendirty]

I don't need to do anything lol

 

[motel rooms]

Really bad headaches...

 

[Life_and_Death]

Even on my good days (and having BPD they're really good days) I still want to kill myself. There's this feeling I just can't shake that I have to

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Just thinking about all my past mistakes and the fearful future and now it's all my fault because I was too weak to handle the shit hand that Life had dealt me. That and it used to be alcohol but I stopped drinking so I could starve myself

I actually began rewatching Loui Theroux's documentary about anorexia last night, but turned it off.

I'd quite like to give starvation a go, but I don't want to lose my hair or teeth!

I am actively trying to lose the weight that the medication has put on, so I'll see if it becomes addictive.

Good luck on your journey (I also regret many mistakes/wasted opportunities, so I know how you feel.) I just wanna start afresh, know what I mean?

I don't usually try and make myself feel suicidal. What usually leads to it is me ruminating about my situation in life and comparing it with others I know who are doing much better, which causes a crushing feeling to come over me. I then conclude I just have to get out of here because the difference between our lives is just too humilating.

Sorry to hear that, buddy.

I wish you well on your journey, wherever it leads you.

 

[deleted]

listen to my parents 'voice, see my parents' faces, watch videos on youtube from beautiful countries

 

[EraseRewind]

I recall my past errors and my court appearance then realise I have very little future options because of my past decisions, that usually raises the suicidal ideation stakes for me.

 

[onthelastday]

look at myself in any reflection and see the despicable being on the other side, compare myself with other people, think about the future, basically I just need to think about my life, without friends, without planning for the future, without any love, just pain , pain, pain and emptiness and think about my painful childhood FUCK, I NEED TO DIE

 

[iDieUDie80]

I think typically I turn to negative self-talk and commonly make lists of the reasons why I need to end my life. I think the most effective would be unpredictable events where I don't get something I want, or I fail at something or someone complains about me and it lets out my anger and borderline behavior.

 

[Nigh]

Myself, I'm addicted to hospital programs.

I love 24 Hours in A&E (UK) which I watch religiously. I love seeing the patients on the hospital bed, in critical condition, and I actually get to a place where I literally project myself there. I phantasise that it's ME getting the treatment, the doctors and surgeons are all swarming around me. It really gets me.

Funny you mention 24 hours in A&E, as when I'm about to attempt suicide I actively avoid this show or any other shows like this. I enjoy it for the stories, but can't watch it around the time I'm trying to CTB. As there's too much talk about brain damage, strokes and so on for my liking. And seeing people suffer like that makes me think that could be me if my attempt goes wrong.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Funny you mention 24 hours in A&E, as when I'm about to attempt suicide I actively avoid this show or any other shows like this. I enjoy it for the stories, but can't watch it around the time I'm trying to CTB. As there's too much talk about brain damage, strokes and so on for my liking. And seeing people suffer like that makes me think that could be me if my attempt goes wrong.

I don't watch it when I'm actually performing the act. For those days, I used alcohol, and music.

The TV shows are my build up.

Actually, I only tend to use alcohol when I'm taking a big overdose (usually 100 zopiclone + 100 diazepam.) When I'm taking a small overdose (usually 48 paracetamol) I tend to do this completely sober. I got sick of the "professionals" referring to my ODing as being alcohol related. I've certainly proved those fuck heads wrong.

I think typically I turn to negative self-talk and commonly make lists of the reasons why I need to end my life. I think the most effective would be unpredictable events where I don't get something I want, or I fail at something or someone complains about me and it lets out my anger and borderline behavior.

So you also have EUPD/BPD?

look at myself in any reflection and see the despicable being on the other side, compare myself with other people, think about the future, basically I just need to think about my life, without friends, without planning for the future, without any love, just pain , pain, pain and emptiness and think about my painful childhood FUCK, I NEED TO DIE

I have found that I also compare myself to other people.

Lately, it's been a certain actor, who's nice looking/sexy and has been very successful in his career. He stars in Sons Of Anarchy, and last night I watched a film with him in it (the remake of Papillon.) I think I was trying to see if he was just sexy in SOA, or was just outright sexy/confident/successful? He's not as sexy in the Papillon film.

I think I was trying to see if he is also just human, and has his good and bad times?

May sound a bit fucked up (I'm completely straight, by the way) but that's the level of research I go into.

Suicide can be a deep art form ...

 

[Aloken]

I remember the past, what I had and what I lost. They always say "the past is gone, it doesn't matter now". But that's the problem, the past is gone and someday it was my present.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Convincing myself that this is a better alternative to wasting away in a nursing home when I am 'old and frail'. The fact that much of society is comfortable with aging and dying a natural death is something I simply cannot wrap my head around.

 

[FuneralCry]

Mostly just overthinking really. I begin to feel trapped in my own mind and I start to see life as pointless. I see never ending days before me and this makes me long for the comfort of death.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I'm great at completely forgetting something and blocking it out of my brain but if I want to get real low I think about it and hold my stuffed animal that reminds me of my passed father:,) Things thought about range from my ex, passed father, living father and my money/success issues.

 

[motel rooms]

This was one of our songs. It's funny how songs change meaning when someone dies.

You're taking me over
Over and over
I'm falling over
Over and over

Drown in me one more time
Hide inside me tonight
Do what you want to do
Just pretend, happy end
Let me know, let it show
Ending with letting go
Ending with letting go

Let's pretend, happy end
Let's pretend, happy end

 

[Pharmaruined]

An orgasm or two will do it. I'll be dead for weeks to a month, feel miserable inside.. no happy chemicals, no urges, zero motivation, zero libido.

.. then I start browsing SS, gather the courage, visualize my plan..

my parents will be gone soon from old age.. I don't see going too far past that, as it would crush them if I left now.