What made you think about ctb for the first time?

[Aimiya]

Be 100% honest.
It's valid even if it was something you thought on a whim as a kid.
Even if it's a super 'silly' looking back on it, it's ok.

 

[Spazsticatednoodle]

Honestly I can't even remember my want to die properly started with a thought about how nice it would be to not haft to experience existence but I can't remember what triggered that thought

 

[KillingPain267]

First time was when I was 15 and my classmates called me ugly. It was when I realized I am not wanted by humans. Second time I thought of suicide was last year when my spouse left me. It just confirmed that I'm unlovable, and need to depart from this earth, so people can be left alone from my hideous presence.

 

[zulcywulcy]

First time was when I was 15 and my classmates called me ugly. It was when I realized I am not wanted by humans. Second time I thought of suicide was last year when my spouse left me. It just confirmed that I'm unlovable, and need to depart from this earth, so people can be left alone from my hideous presence.

im so sorry that happened to you

 

[Namelesa]

Cus of school. School has traumatized me as the work was emotionally boring, stressful and torturous. I still get nightmares from it.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

The first time was when my mother abused me again for the hundredth time. I finally had enough, and attempted to jump off a building. Then later on in my life I tended to obsess over suicide. Until now, I have just determined I have no direction in life.

 

[astr4]

i was in the closet and my best friend made a homophobic comment. ended up burning that bridge years later but damn. nowadays i couldn't give two shits about homophobes so i guess that's character growth?

 

[ramon]

At about 8 years of age, I figured the best thing to do was to stab myself in the heart.

Unable to muster the courage to do so, then. Still, I left a note next to my parents' door expressing my desire to end my life via blade.

Pressure from my parents to improve academically, pressure from my teachers, bullied at school, bullied in my neighborhood, bullied by other relatives (mostly cousins), constant sudden bursts of anger.

 

[LostLily]

Worried about entering 2nd grade

 

[FarawayFar]

This questions made me reflect a lot on my thoughts about death throughout life.

The first time I thought about it was around 6 or 7 years old. This was around the time I learned that Santa, Easter Bunny etc weren't real and I put heaven, hell and religion into those same categories and slowly stopped believing them as well. My initial thoughts of death were more out of curiosity than anything. The thought of leaving this life and going on to the next one, or sleeping forever appealed to me. I didn't have any strong desire to die but I had non-threatening thoughts about killing myself. When I was 9 something strange triggered in me and I started seeing everything as trivial and pointless. I stopped trying in school and doing what my teachers told me. I started acting out and causing trouble. In hindsight it was pretty strange behavior for a 9 year old and I can't really say what triggered it. In middle school I started struggling socially and academically. I started feeling even more like everything was pointless. I didn't want to live the kind of life my parents living, or any life for that matter. That was the first time I had a serious desire to die. It eventually grew into an attempt (there were other triggering events at the time) that I was hospitalized for when I was a teenager. I haven't attempted since, but the desire to die has only snowballed and grown throughout my life. For a while I pursued dangerous activities and hobbies hoping that maybe I would die without the burden of doing it myself. I have settled in to a more stable life now and have just become numb. I feel like I'm stuck with the burden of living and I don't want to anymore. Anyway, it crossed my mind when I was really young and manifested into a desire throughout my life. The strength of that desire has ups and downs but its always there. This is the only place I can honestly share that and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure a lot of it at the time could be attributed to teenage angst, but I'm middle aged now and its a desire that I've carried with me my entire life.

TLDR: Around 6 or 7 I started thinking about what would happen if I died. I believe it was the questioning of the supernatural that triggered it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

A mixture of missing 3 close family members who had died and living with a (suspected) narcissist. So- being bullied, gas lit, lied about. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd prefer not to be alive. I was 10. Initially, the thought frightened me because I had been taught that suicide was wrong but, I rapidly got over that.

 

[darkshadownice]

Realised in kindergarten that I didn't really have any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. Still have no idea and now that I'm older, I realise I have no purpose in life. Topple that with mild autism and a struggle to maintain friendship with an end result of loneliness and no real friends to rely on, damn right I feel suicidal. As for the actual first time I thought of ctb, it was when I was rocking in my chair (the chair I've had since I was a kid, and still have) in my room when I was 16, wondering what the point of life was and what I exist for. It was rather an odd feeling, I felt very scared but very comfortable at the same time.

My story isn't as sad or full of sorrow like the other people's stories here; I didn't come from a broken home or was born in poverty or a bad environment, but I never felt like I was part of this world. Like a piece of the puzzle that fits nowhere, especially in social settings. Talking to people alone exhausts me since I can tell people put on a mask to be cordial and polite with only a little bit of themselves slipping out, but the facial expressions say otherwise. A lot of people clearly don't have their shit together or are lost, but our society deems it an unspoken rule to fully express your feelings with no filter since it makes others feel uncomfortable. I could never exactly pinpoint it with words until I was reading Schopenhauer and he elucidated it in one great quote:
"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people."

Our society simply values conformity over authenticity or individuality (as much as western society pretends to value individuality), because people are naturally selfish and are resistant to any meaningful change. It's why pro-lifers make anybody who questions life or partakes in their leaving of it a living hell, and why none of us fit anywhere on the puzzle that we're forced to be in the vicinity of, and why we're all here. Life is very miserable.

"If life — the craving for which is the very essence of our being — were possessed of any positive intrinsic value, there would be no such thing as boredom at all: mere existence would satisfy us in itself, and we should want for nothing." -Arthur Schopenhauer

 

[Lexandro]

I was later in life than many of you here it seems, in my 40s before I had my first CTB thoughts. What triggered it, the meds I was prescribed for depression (which I now know docs didn't bother to diagnose properly, I wasn't suffering depression but something else that meds wouldn't fix). 3 times they prescribed these. Each they gave me these meds sure enough CTB thoughts returned within weeks. My physcologist has since encouraged my GPs to pay attention to my previous notes and reactions... comical really when a doc issues you the same needs that made you suicidal last time they tried.....

Now I can get this urge if I am under extreme stress or pressure for prolonged periods. Damage done now I guess might always have this now.

 

[Dai]

In elementary school I remember thinking I wanted to ctb when I turned 50 because the thought of getting old depressed me.

Now I'm going to ctb in my early 20s because I've realized all my hope was false hope and I'll never be who I want to be.

 

[singingcrow]

when I was 13 and started high school and hated it. I thought about going to train station and jumping in front of the train

 

[darkshadownice]

In elementary school I remember thinking I wanted to ctb when I turned 50 because the thought of getting old depressed me.

Now I'm going to ctb in my early 20s because I've realized all my hope was false hope and I'll never be who I want to be.

Feel exactly the same way. I do not ever want to get old, and is one of the reasons I want to ctb early. Turning 25 a month ago made me have basically a crisis moment as I realised life is pointless, purposeless, and that we're just going with the motions where the past becomes nothing but a mere blur, and that this is what life is going to be for the next "x" amount of years, and was crying in my bed because of it.
If you ever get a chance, read The Death of Ivan Ilyich. It's one of the best stories on mortality, and one of the best short stories maybe ever written. Highly, highly recommend it; it's only about 70 pages long and can be read in an afternoon.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I was just a kid. I was standing in front of an open window while my toxic mother was yelling at me because she was mad about some silly thing. At that moment for the first time in my life I thought to myself - what if I just jump out, I really can't bear her yelling at me again. I don't think I thought about it again until my early 30s. But the seed was planted.

 

[alienfreak]

I was 12 and had no specific reason or event. I was just unhappy in general due to a large combination of things. I suppose even then i had an unusual type of emotional isolation from everyone, along with anxiety. It is interesting and difficult for me to try to remember and understand it. I wish i could really remember who i was back then and how i felt. Maybe i have just forgotten. I think i dont understand it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A big failure in life in my early 40s made me seriously think about ending my life. I don't remember I was ever suicidal before that happened. But I was always pro-choice - I've always seen suicide as an option should the circumstances require this decision.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I accidentally cut my finger with a serrated aluminum foil saw.

I couldn't believe how bad the pain was .

I said this is it . All that other stuff is meaningless pain is a billion times worse than u can remember or imagine . Pain makes everything else meaningless

All my life they had me programmed brainwashed to think I wanted to do many meaningless addictions.

I vowed to tell myself to try to remember how bad this pain is.

Recently I confirmed it again I was trying to do very minor surgery on myself with a needle . I couldn't push the needle further in because the pain kept increasing . It's a pain u can't describe in words so evil a billion times worse than I can imagine or remember. The further I pushed the pain increased by a trillion times every 1/10 of a second

Keep in mind this is very minor drilling. And I could stop the pain. The extreme horror is that the pain kept increasing so there is no limit it can get much worse and I won't be able to move away from it. I am scared of living another second in this hell. They stole our right to move away from unbearable pain because they made someone else assisting u with suicide a crime. Anyone can fall into a trap of unending constant unbearable pain any second.

Just one example incurable skin sores pain can't sleep for 30 years from age 60 to 90 in a nursing home

I Work 15 hours per day a job and chores only to exist as a slave in this evil imposition prison under threat of extreme torture and to get old all for no objective reason.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me existence did, my wish to die is a result of becoming conscious and aware in this existence, what I ultimately have a problem with is existence itself and I see it as the most cruel, futile burden to suffer in this existence, to me existing is nothing but suffering and I suffer just from existing, I truly was never meant for any of this and never should have suffered at all, more than anything I wish I was never forced into this existence of pointless suffering that was completely unnecessary in the first place. I'd always prefer to die painlessly than suffer in this terrible, torturous existence, existing will always be deeply undesirable to me no matter what, I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all rather I just wish for the peace of an eternal, dreamless sleep where all is finally gone.

 

[derpyderpins]

I was 12 and didn't want to get in trouble for something I'd done at school.

It's silly, but also a testament to the fact that something was severely wrong if I was that terrified as a child.

 

[divinemistress36]

Puberty

 

[UselessBeing]

Be 100% honest.
It's valid even if it was something you thought on a whim as a kid.
Even if it's a super 'silly' looking back on it, it's ok.

I was about 6 or 7 years old. My mom wanted to go to the mall to get her hair done. I brought a coloring book and crayons and my dad came with us so he could watch me.
When we got to the mall we all went inside. I forgot to put my crayons away and so they melted onto the back seat of my mom's brand new car. My dad ripped into me calling me lazy and when he told my mom she gave me "that look" it's hard to describe. It's the look she always gave when I knew she hated me and regretted me. She said I didn't deserve anything from the mall because I was lazy and ruined her car. At that time there was a huge fountain in our mall and I thought about running to it and drowning myself.

I never used crayons again after that not even in school. To this day I absolutely hate crayons. Lol.

 

[foreverlanguish]

I was 12 and became very hyper aware of all the hurtful shit I did to people when I was in elementary. I regretted doing those things so much, yet somehow even after realizing that I made the mistake of hurting even more people in the years after!