What made you suicidal?

[iwannadisslife]

Now I am 25 years old Syrian, I used to live in Saudi Arabia and after highschool I spent three years at home because my father wasn't able to send me to college.
During this time I was very suicidal. My older brother got a good job and he sent me to college in North Cyprus to study Industrial engineering after graduation I came to Dubai the worst place you can imagine for a fresh graduate to find a job.

First job I found by a help of a friend was quality control inspector in a furniture manufacturing company, the job was literally a slavery job, any middle school graduate can do the same exact job.

I decided to leave that job and try to find another. During that time I was accepted in a German university for a master degree and in Germany there are way more opening jobs for fresh graduates than here but my brother now can't pay for that because he needs to spend a lot of money on my parents, the parents who didn't support any of us by a pinny- I love them I don't hate them- .

Now I have only one hope in a company that promised me to give me 6 months unpaid internship just to gain experience and have better opportunities in the market. I expect to get their response by Monday if I don't get a response from them I will end my life.

I only had sex in my life once which is really pathetic and I didn't even finish it because I was too drunk. I had some good friends in college but now I am totally lonely.

I was an atheist in a very religious family without telling them about my beliefs which was another thing that made me suffer a lot mentally and I think that's enough I waisted 4 years of my youth for nothing and most likely even if I get this internship and even if I got a job after that I won't be paid more than a thousand dollars which is hardly enough to survive and this situation will most likely remain for at least two years. What left in my life? Will I be just a virgin in my thirties? And will I be even able at that age to find a woman who I will be really happy with? The More time I spend alone the more it becomes difficult for me to interact with people and make friends and things will just get worse.
I don't know if I need to do something before I leave, like for example paying for a prostitute at least to feel how sex feels, I tried that before and it didn't work for me I didn't have an erection at all because I didn't feel any mental attraction to her and she was ugly. I don't think I have a physical problem since I always masturbate with no problems.

Just go skydiving, I heard it's better than sexy. I've gone twice. Anyways yeah I'm suicidal because first of all I've just always been and second of all nothing in my life ever goes my way everything is a huge disappointment after disappointment.

 

[Insulinsuicide]

i first became suicidal after lossing a 2 and half year relationship with my gf at 18 years old (2004) the thought i'd never have sex again drove me into madness and it became a self fulfilling prophecy still not had sex for 19 years, now 37 anyway back in 2016 at the age of 30 i got a brain injury and thats whats driving me to suicide

Lost my everything, my better half. Can't stand existing in a world without her.

I have never experienced lossing someone I loved since I haven't loved anyone

 

[GoneFromRevolution]

I'm a trans woman with severe Gender Dysphoria, ASD, GAD, CD, and ADHD, have been bullied most of my life, been sent death threats, and life is expensive. I want to pursue my one passion, Chess, which I can reach a high level if I keep playing and training the way I am now (And I'm 18, so I have plenty of time). However, that's expensive, and it's the kind of money I just don't have, and most likely will never have. It truly is the only thing keeping me alive right now. No local tournament until September, thinking about doing one in August.

I've been manipulated into forgoing any human relationships and towards endless consumption to keep myself somewhat sane.

 

[sometimes.sometimes]

Bullying, abuse, guilt, and revenge fantasies are what made me suicidal.

 

[imcurious]

You mean that you can't be irl with a girl who is a 3 on the scale of looks, but visualize in your mind that you're with really with a 10? Girls do the same thing. Pretty damn common.

The point isn't that it's common, or that girls and boys do this. The point was that this tactic sounds potentially emotionally damaging because it's dissociative in manner, to both parties involved. But hey you do you, if that is what makes you happy.

 

[wristcutangel]

I'm already far too broken to keep living like this, I don't think someone as mentally unstable as me can have a fulfilling life. I can't handle being alone, but I'm too much for people to handle most the time. That, and I'd rather die young than either be broke and homeless or get forced to marry an old misogynistic geezer by my parents.

 

[Insulinsuicide]

I'm already far too broken to keep living like this, I don't think someone as mentally unstable as me can have a fulfilling life. I can't handle being alone, but I'm too much for people to handle most the time. That, and I'd rather die young than either be broke and homeless or get forced to marry an old misogynistic geezer by my parents.

In which country do you live? I hope you are not from the middle east

 

[wristcutangel]

In which country do you live? I hope you are not from the middle east

Pakistan, so close enough.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

What about trying to be a man instead of trying to be a woman since the last one is obviously unattainable ?
I have always struggled to understand the mentality of transgenders, I don't judge them but if I were them I would be trying to match myself to the gender of my chromosomes.
If you are a biological male then every cell in you carries the XY chromosomes even if you managed to transplant your brain in a female body; you won't be a complete female because your brain structure is different and your brain cells still cary the XY chromosomes.
So if I were you, and gender dysphoria was my only problem I would try to match myself with my chromosomes.
Everyone has the right to think about ending his life but I feel the financial and the social struggles are the most devastating.

Because I find masculinity, male sexuality and their bodies extremely fucking gross and cringe.

Thanks for throwing me the lifeline. Allow me to toss it back to you and say "Thanks, but no thanks". I wouldn't be here if I wanted saving.

 

[Insulinsuicide]

Pakistan, so close enough.

A female in Pakistan is the worst life I can imagine. It's even like hell for males.

 

[wristcutangel]

A female in Pakistan is the worst life I can imagine. It's even like hell for males.

Made far worse when you're both an atheist and lesbian.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The point isn't that it's common, or that girls and boys do this. The point was that this tactic sounds potentially emotionally damaging because it's dissociative in manner, to both parties involved. But hey you do you, if that is what makes you happy.

So, you don't think fantasy has any place in a relationship?

 

[imcurious]

So, you don't think fantasy has any place in a relationship?

Of course it can. But if the fantasy is imagining you are basically with someone else who is not your partner? LOL. That is when it becomes dissociative rather than a fantasy. But again, you do you.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I've been suicidal since I was very young, not even a teenager yet. I don't remember a time in my life that I was genuinely happy. I've had an abundance of happy moments but I've never felt what it's like to live a happy life. The happiness I experienced was always short-lived, temporary.
I just can't wrap my brain around this being what and how life is. It's torturous.

 

[S u i c i d e]

People.

 

[Sweet Tart]

What made me suicidal in the first place is probably the chemicals in my brain. Maybe emotional abuse I experienced as a child is responsible for my brain chemistry. I've tried everything I can think of to not be suicidal. Some efforts temporarily led to feeling other things more strongly than the wish to ctb. I've run out of ideas to try to change the way I feel and it seems more practical to accept my wish to ctb. I've never seriously attempted and want to feel confident about a method because the stakes are so high in so many ways.

 

[outrider567]

Lost my everything, my better half. Can't stand existing in a world without her.

Same

 

[LunarLakes]

A bunch of things. I have had horrible depression and anxiety for 9 years. I am not the grandchild my grandparents wanted, I'm failing college, I hate every aspect of my appearance, and I feel like I'll never be able to handle being an adult and living by myself. My mom passed away and I still feel so incomplete without her here. I also want there to be a reason for my boyfriend to be single again so he can find someone better for him.

 

[JuniperWinter]

I've had one bad thing after another happen to me all my life, I told myself from the age of 11 if things don't get better by the time I'm an adult I'd end it, there's no point in suffering for my whole life. I actually had a suicide pact with my former middle school friends but of course they decided I was an awful person and left. But here I am, an adult and I'm still standing…

 

[panda0342]

Made far worse when you're both an atheist and lesbian.

Fellow Atheist, and paki here. You can connect and vent if you wish.

 

[Alltheywanted]

I'm lonely, I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, and my therapist is the first person I can talk to openly about my problems.
Yesterday was the first day I lied to her and it's honestly heartbreaking for me. I wish for her that when I'm not there anymore she will not forget about me fast.

 

[TheShadowKing]

I've been suicidal since young I don't even really remember what triggered it since I've felt like this for so long but I know I'm not gonna amount to anything no ones ever gonna love me no one likes me I've never had REAL friends I just hate my life

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Me being transgender is what started my suicide journey. Then fake friends, people who say they'll be there for you and end up ghosting you. Seeing how ugly and cruel this world is just made me not want to be a part of it.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I grew up in a abusive home.

My first girlfriend was very toxic…
When i Left her and started seeing a new girl, it was even Worse - she broke my nose and i had to do a surgery. I struggle to breath…

Working and studying is hard for me. I am autistic. I had small jobs all my life. But for the last few years, i worked as kind of manager… It was a very bad job, but paid ok. But my mental Health was pretty affected… it was a very toxic place with bad people, the worked extremely hard and was never enought…. I was forced to do personal stuff for the bosses Also, like taking care of their cars, doing their business school homeworks… a lot of shit. I felt like nothing and tried to leave Many times, but never found a new job. This year, i finally got a new job. I thought things would change… but now. The new job was even Worse… my new boss cursed me, said i had a annoying face and once locked me in a room to get my job done. I quit this new job because i lost weight and my mental Health became fragile… its been months since this happened and now im still haunted by these abuses… i started studying again and got a part time job because is all i can Handle… my money is short and my heart is broken. I dont have self love and after a life of no selfcare, i dont believe i have the Strenght to keep going… just wanna Die everyday, but i am a coward