My beautiful nephew CTB just a couple of weeks ago on Thursday, August 22nd by hanging, on his favourite walking trail. I am in a dark place right now, as I am filled with such regret. He cut me and his other family members off around May. In my case it was after he felt that I invalidated him in an email.
He had quit his job in another town and had moved in with his girlfriend. The only contact we had with him was through his girlfriend's Facebook messenger. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and even pushing her away. She assured me that he was safe, he was staying with her and together they were addressing his mental health issues. He loved her so much and she was so dedicated to him, I never thought that him ending his life would even be a possibility.
In those four months, he missed mother's day, Father's Day and his dad's birthday (my brother who is otherwise alone). He also would not make contact with us after I begged through messages to girlfriend, when my dad (his grandfather) was very ill in the hospital and could have died.
A week before my nephew took his life, he did wrote to my mom after she threatened to his girlfriend to file a missing person's report. He told her that my brother was a "psychopath" and that he couldn't talk to me because all I did was invalidate him. He also said that every day for him was a "struggle to stay alive". I didn't even take that statement seriously because I thought he was being dramatic! I could have written to his girlfriend, begged for forgiveness! I could have told him that I was always here for support no matter what!
We were so afraid that he'd push my mom away the way he pushed me away, she wrote this response: "I'm so sorry you've been out through so much. Please know that I love you unconditionally and I will always be here for you." He never responded to that message.
I don't know how I'll continue to live with the knowledge that he felt that way about me at the time that he left. My brother would have done absolutely anything for him. My mom never showed my brother that message. I guess the original question to this post was "why did you come to Sanctioned Suicide?" I guess I'm here because I want to understand. I want to understand why he did it, and maybe that he would have done it even if he hadn't been angry with me.
As the days go on, I feel worse, and I feel
So responsible. According to the coroners report, the method was "quick with minimal pain." I think that is the only thing I taking comfort in. He had obviously researched this well, to have executed it with such efficiency. Even after that note to my mom, his girlfriend had written my mom back telling her "he is taking charge of his mental help, under the care of a psychiatriat and I am Helping him do that. He is getting better by the day." She promised me and my mom she would keep us updated. We had to find out about his suicide through a Facebook post! His mother didn't want my brother to be at the funeral home and she didn't want him to have ashes. She wanted to erase us.
